Pretty On The Outside

Teresa Giudice is Lucille Ball? And did Melissa really "seed" her way out of it?

Last night was the finale of The Real Housewives of New Jersey and oh my goodness...... it was a fun ride.  In all honestly I had my doubts about this season what with the absence of square-tit grinch Danielle Staub and her mob of goons, but once it hit its stride--- dem housewives delivered!  The best moment, for me, out of the entire history of The NJ Housewives empire (and what an empire it is) came last night when Teresa compared herself to Lucille Ball.  I nearly dropped my glass of wine and coughed up all the dark chocolate I'd been snacking on.  Actually I came too close to having my head implode at the thought of that comparison.  On the one hand you have Lucille Ball, a pioneering, brilliant actress who some would call the queen of comedy.  And deservedly.  On the other you have that leopard print-soaked beast Teresa Giudice who wrote a cookbook that seems more like a shitty back-stabbing tabloid tell-all.  I imagine on one page there's a recipe for puttanesca and on the other she's saying her italian co-star is only 1/16th Italian.... or that her sister-in-law is a jealous copy-cat, or that her cousin needs to get a life....  Oh no she didn't!   And when Jacqueline tried to question the leopard print-soaked beast Teresa about her jabs, Teresa said that they were jokes.  Ha ha.  Insults are jokes in Teresa's comedic mind. Get it?  She's funny.... like she's Lucy.  Take it in.  So does that mean her squat, dim bulldog of a spouse Joe is like Ricky Ricardo?  Oh..... I shudder to think.  I had to draw my version of Teresa as Lucy and here it goes.

I created that loving tribute with pen and ink on paper finished with digital coloring and it's available as a print on my etsy shop.  There you go. 

Joe and Melissa have completely grown on me.  Don't judge me but I like them.  Sure Melissa may have a problem here and there with grammar.  Um..... like when she called her psychic medium a median.  That was pretty damn good.  I had hoped that for the finale Melissa would yet again give us a grammatically-challenged goodbye gift and she did.  She was discussing that leopard print-soaked beast Teresa's cookbook with her sister and in a glossy confessional moment said that she wasn't going to come between her husband Joe and his sister Teresa and that she has seed her way out of the situation.  Wait.... what?  She seed her way out?  I had to rewind and yea, she "see'd" her way out.  My partner said she's early-man stupid.  :)   Oh Melissa, I love your creative use of language and I'll miss you and your cute hubbie.  Actually, I'll miss those Jersey guys and gals quite a bit.  Be sure and check out the reunion shows.  From the teaser I saw, Teresa goes from insane dumbshit to combative code red dumbshit.  Ha!!!!!

Previous New Jersey recaps can be seen here. 

The Real Housewives of New Jersey. It's all about Caroline Manzo's migraine face caused by Teresa Guidice's swimwear!

Hey again!  I had planned on only spending a few minutes doing the above illustration of Caroline Manzo in order to have a little extra time for this written portion.  But after scanning the pencil drawing into my computer I started adding a little color and then some more color and on and on and now I don't have time to do any kind of recap as I'm already late for work.  AHHHH!!!!!!!  So hopefully my "Caroline with a migraine" image will suffice.  I mean no disrespect to Mrs Manzo with this illustration as I do like her and clearly that stabbing, throbbing pain in her head was caused by Teresa.  Mrs. Guidice's impromptu fashion show in which she paraded her deep-fried turkey body in a marvelous spectrum of whore swimming costumes even gave me a migraine.  Did you have to take a hand full of Advil and sit in a dark room after the show too? 

Well, if my illustration isn't enough then how's about a photo of Greg Bennett in a skimpy pair of swim trunks?  Greg is roommates with Caroline's sons and to me he's the breakout star this season.  He's gay, adorable, funny, and I have to say that the way uber-straight Joe Gorga is constantly flirting with him has made me rethink my initial feelings towards Joe.  I'm falling in like with Mr Gorga courtesy of Greg.  Anyway.... the photo of Greg is in the second half of the posting.

The Real Housewives of New Jersey. Shoe polish shaded cleavage and shared toilets.

A moment of honesty at the top of this posting..... Monday's episode of The Real Housewives of New Jersey was the first one from this season that I've seen in its entirety.  While I was away, I missed at least one show and only caught bits and pieces here and there from other airings.  Even though I'm arriving at this orange spray tanned and leopard print covered party late, I'm sure it's safe to assume that most of them are fighting and talking shit about each other.  Right?  This entire Housewives franchise is built on: backstabbing, smack talk, and the promotion of predominantly unwanted products so............ do you think this season would stray from that formula?  Hell no!  Fight, fight, fight! This particular episode began with Teresa going empty head to empty head with her sister-in-law Melissa.  In one corner we have short-tempered reigning champion Teresa battling Melissa who favors shading her cleavage with dark brown shoe polish.  Seriously girl, ease up on the booby contouring.  What's their beef about?  Ummmm.... I'm asking...... as I don't really know.  Or care.  During the meeting of the minds (?), they just kept repeating the same catch phrases: let's put da past behind us, let's meet in da middle, let's get back to where we was before all da fighting has started, let's be friends once more again, we used to friends so let's us be friends again..........  Progress seemed to be made here and there and as they'd decide to make a fresh start and forget the past--- a second later one of them would bring up some trivial chunk of nonsense and they'd start fighting all over again.  Just as quickly though, they'd repeat those catch phrases from above: put da past behind us.......  And over and over and over this played out.  Make up, then fight, make up, then fight.  I'm sure had the cameras pulled back you've have seem a room full of Bravo employees shaking cue cards with those expressions: "Let's be friends again" or "Let's make a fresh start"...... Before I go any further I want to share the illustration I made of Joe and Melissa Gorga.

Note the cleavage shading.  :)  The illustration is watercolor, pen, and pencil on hot pressed watercolor paper with a smidge of digital color.

The Real Housewives of NJ reunion show part 2. So is it really over?

The second half of the two part reunion show aired last night so I guess that means it's officially done, right?  I'd like to get that notarized by Bravo if I could?  Is it just me or has this season lasted an eternity......... kinda thought it would just go on and on and on forever actually.  I'm sure there will be a lost footage episode or two with un-aired clips of: Danielle relentlessly retelling the night Ashley pulled her hair to that sweaty, ex-con posse, Kim D launching her own jockstrap line sold exclusively at Posche (I swear she's packing a dick), and Kim G grinding her dusty muffin on a stripper pole..... or maybe all those scenes have already been shown????  Anyway those two reunions shows were certainly way, way, way more entertaining than the season as a whole.  Caroline's wide-eyed reactions as her head swiveled side to side at every little thing Danielle said and her barking "answer my question, answer my question, ANSWER MY QUESTION!!!!!!!!" stood out as the constants in this inconsistent drama swamp.  She inspired me to make my very first .gif.  Here goes......

The Real Housewives of NJ. Buckle up!

I consulted with Danielle's energist Sarai before starting this posting so I feel completely centered and focused right now.  Love and light motherf**kers!  Actually to use the proper energist term, she "scanned" me in order to help keep me balanced so that I can lead with love and at all costs to drive my message home in a very dignified way.  Thank you very much.  I also have an armed bodyguard standing over my laptop in case one of the Manzos tries to cyber-attack me.  You know how those Manzos are.  Danny and that sweaty, pitbull-faced, gum-chewing pal of his are waiting in a limo outside should I need someone to have my back.  And I know it's a stretch but...... I have a few extra clip-on extensions handy should Ashley rip out a handful of my weave before I finish this.  I follow her twitter and I know she's coming for me.  I also heavily consulted a bottle of yummy cabernet before starting this posting so to quote Caroline Manzo--- "Buckle up!"

The Real Housewives of NJ. The village idiots have returned!

Italy produces and exports some of the finest goods in the world: beautiful wine, fantastic olive oil, exquisitely crafted accessories, luxury vehicles...... and then there's Teresa and Joe Guidice.  Proof positive that not everything created in Italy is desirable.  That's Teresa and Joe in Sala Consilina, Italy--- their hometown village.

The Real Housewives of New Jersey. It's sadly all about Kim G.

I know I missed posting about last week's show.  Oopsy!  I needed a break from the gals but I'm back on it this week.  Tonight's episode ended just a couple hours ago and here I am with a fresh illustration and mini recap.  Woo hoo!  Actually this isn't going to be a recap so much as an assessment of bad behavior.  Which is the best kind for my purposes.  To me, what's jumping out the most this season is who's vying for the position of the biggest drama queen/ lunatic of all.  The race to be The Queen drama queen.  The reigning champion Danielle is doing her frozen-faced best to conjure crap at every turn and it's getting a little old.  Every one of her confessional scenes is so dire and grim and intense and overly done. Teresa attempts to be leave her mark by having epic fits: "prostitution whore", "Is bitch better?"........ but she ultimately is too dim to be a drama queen.  The introduction of Kim D and her exhaust pipe sucking mouth has been entertaining.  She has the voice of someone whose smoked 4 packs of cigs a day since birth and the mouth of someone who practiced fellatio on a plugged-in curling iron since birth.  If Bravo showed her more I think she'd be tied with Danielle for the mantle of turbo attention whore.  But the winner, to me, in the contest of who's the worst drama queen this season goes to the elderly Kim G.  Kim G has blazed a trail of duplicity, odd outfits, back stabbing, and on tonight's episode- after her fight with Danielle at the restaurant- has emerged victorious as the most attention starved nutbag of all.  Congrats Kim G! 

Prior to her encounter with Danielle at that restaurant, a foul-mouthed Kim G needed to vent to the enormous breasted Jacqueline.  Holding her newborn, Jacqueline allowed Kim G into her home as she unleashed a flurry of f words.  Jacqueline's baby's first word just might be "fuck" as the child certainly heard Kim G say it countless times.  Kim was having a revelation about Danielle and said as she gestured to herself, "Stupid over here."  It was too perfect so I rewound and watched..... "Stupid over here", with a self point.  I hit pause, and did the following drawing which I then punched up with some digital color.

I've heard Danielle say repeatedly that Kim G is a highly respected member of the community and after watching her freak out shout-fest, I'm wondering if her community is all prisoner stock.  I don't know...... it's just weird.  It's all really weird but that's why I watch.

Off to bed....... until next week you wacky NJ housewives.

Past New Jersey entries can be seen here.

The Real Housewives of New Jersey. The Gloves are coming off.......

..... and the stupid is in full force.  Look at me!  I'm posting the same day as the show.  Woo woo!!!  To be honest, I went on-line a few hours ago and caught a sneak peak of tonight's episode on Bravo's website.  Danielle who truly looks like Jim Henson made a tragic muppet was learning some self defense moves.  It's clearly a dream come true for her to be in this drama-fest with Ashley who pulled her hair at that country club.  It gives her relevance on the show and some potential income.  I'm by no means condoning Ashley's behavior it's spectacularly stupid but Danielle is a dog seeking a bone.  Any bone.  And that bone was the hair pull which allows her to sue.  I'll get to that......... 

I should mention that when I went on-line earlier I saw Danielle's self defense training--- she imagined that one fist was targeting Teresa and the other was focusing on Jacqueline.  And I drew the following....

Just for sh*ts and giggles, I added some digital color.

The original is for sale on my etsy shop here.  By the way, c'mon readers--- buy some of my drawings.  It does an artist good.  :)  I created that spectacular artwork sober but when I watched the episode tonight, instead of my usual Cabernet- I turned to scotch.  This show has driven me to the hard stuff.  And I drank a bit too much so please forgive my spelling and occasional missed words. 

The Real Housewives of NJ. The photo below perfectly sums up last week's stampede fight.

Hey again.  I had a couple projects I was working on last week and it seems I forgot to blog.  Oopsy!  As this is way beyond late--- a new episode will be airing tonight--- I'll keep this brief.  Pamplona, Spain has the Running Of The Bulls and last week we were introduced to New Jersey's Running Of The Bullshit.  Or to partially quote the dazzling natural blond above, the Running of The F**king Bulls***!  Teresa whose hairline now starts at her eyebrows threw gasoline at an open fire when she initiated a conversation with the exiting Danielle.  Danielle in turn waved a red cape at the hairy beast when she stopped, engaged Teresa, and shouted that her house was in foreclosure.  You got crazy on my stupid!  No, you got stupid on my crazy!  I don't remember how it escalated so rapidly but a terse volley on dim-witted slurs were exchanged and then Danielle took off running towards the exit.  Teresa sporting a good 20+ pounds of baby weight was pressed into a flattering (?) black stretch-tube dress with a chinchilla mini-hooker jacket dropped to all fours and galloped after the fleeing lunatic.  Instantly the whole party seemed to join in the stampede as the halls of that venue were filled with the echoing sounds of desperation to be on TV and elation of being in a mob brawl.  Nostrils flaring and hairline lowering, Teresa bellowed "Coke whore" and "Kidnapping bitch" as Danielle shrieked for her body guard to keep them away from her.  That venue must be size of an airport because they seemed to be running forever.  The whole scene was wonderfully beyond ridiculous but I think the best part was in the middle of all the frenetic camera angles Danielle yelled, "I broke my heel."  It was pure drag queen magic.  A wailing Danielle stopped just outside the front door as Kim G tried to console her, and by console her I mean Kim violently shook her while screaming, "Calm down!!!!!!!!!!!!", which is clearly soothing.  Kim G must have just snorted a few lines of Boniva at the party because she was a spry as a girl.  Danielle was clearly loving every second of this-- it's what she wanted-- and just as she was leaving the property, Jacqueline's daughter came up behind her and pulled out a chunk of Danielle's weave.  To fully quote the flaxen-haired beauty in the above photo, "This is such f**king bulls***!"  Amen.

So what now?  Will Danielle press charges?  I bet yes.  The more attention the better, right?  Oh those Jersey gals............

Previous NY recaps can be seen here.

Thanks!

The Real Housewives of New Jersey. It's getting even worse.

Imagine if you will......... You've eaten most of a large bowl of minestrone soup only to discover a baby mouse near the bottom while walking into a public restroom where ten large men who spent the previous day feasting on lobster burritos and chili con carne are taking loud, explosive #2s and someone hands you a jury duty summons which gives you a paper-cut.  Whew! That's what it felt like to me watching last night's The Real Housewives of New Jersey. 

This posting is going to be short because even writing this much makes me want to take a stun-gun to my brain.  And if I did zap myself with one of those things--- this expression which Teresa had on that mug of hers is probably what I'd look like too.