Pretty On The Outside

The Real Housewives of New Jersey..... Scum.

This is Teresa from the RHONJ at that retreat/ therapy thingy and this is the exact moment when her bulldog-shaped brother called her scum.  Which triggered her bulldog-shaped husband to attack.  The whole thing went just swimmingly.  

The Real Housewives of New Jersey..... Hello Jennifer.

Anyone who has travelled the troubled water of drag on a dime knows the dirty secret of Wet N Wild makeup and it's permanently locked in the 80s color palette.  It's sold at that high-end makeup retailer RiteAid.  :)  Having used it, I can honestly say it's pure crap. When I saw this lovely creature from The Real Housewives of NJ and her dazzlingly made up mug I thought she could be the new face of Wet N Wild.  Not sure if there's an old face of that product line.......  Anyway, her name is Jennifer and she's friend (?) to warring sisters in law Teresa and Melissa.  Jennifer has a magical face that's been pulled and filled and frozen with such abandon that it defies being categorized.  Is she 25.... 45.... 65.... an inuit..... asian...... white....... black......?????  Whatever she is, she had my full attention while I was guzzling wine and eating dark chocolate.  RHONJ, as long as you supply faces like hers, then I'll continue to watch.

It's alllllllllllllllllllllllllll about Rosie from The Real Housewives of NJ.

I give you Rosie from The Real Housewives of New Jersey during her booze-fueled meetup with Teresa.  I believe this was after her third, filled to the rim, glass of whiskey.  They met to argue over some family drama shit that if it were to be ever settled, then the show would come to a screeching halt.  Bravo ought to stop with the pretense of referring to this as a reality show and call it what it really is..... a poorly-acted, overly-produced, scripted-drama.  My apologies to Rosie for this depiction... I really do enjoy her.  #slapmefordrawingthis  

If you've got a moment, check me out on Facebook and Instagram.

The Real Housewives of New Jersey..... It's all about Kim D.

The Real Housewives of New Jersey dredged some nearby swamp and freed the beast known as Kim D. I have to hand it to that show because just when you think they can't get any more vile, they manage to lower the bar. Thank you for that RHONJ. I quickly drew Kim D giving us Halloween realness.

Ink on paper drawn in about 20 minutes.

Juicy Joe Giudice in a very fun (?) wedding hat.

Here's Juicy Joe Giudice wearing the hat his wife Teresa was sporting at Jaime and Rich's wedding. Why did I draw that? I have no good answer other than I thought it would be funny. By the way, how beautiful was that wedding? I cried throughout the vows and when those butterflies flew out of that box I had to rub my eyes with my sleeve. Bravo!

Real quick, I want to spotlight a few low-lights from the show.  In no particular order:

1. Joe calling his wife a punta or whore on the shuttle bus to the wedding.  

2.  Teresa referencing to Prince William's wife as Kate Hudson instead of Kate Middleton.  :)

3.  When they all exited the bus, Joe pointed to the geese and said, "Look at the pelicans."

4.  When Teresa said "Heckyll and Jyde."  

5.  Joe talking about smelling like yesterday's hot dogs.

Oh Joe and Teresa, please don't ever stop doing and saying whatever you're doing and saying.  

Juicy Joe drawn with ink, pen, and markers on paper with digital color.

Teresa Giudice and her appropriately titled phone.

What to even say about Teresa Giudice at this point? I don't imagine we're going to discover that she's actually a reasonable person who listens to an opposing view and can change her opinion.  Or am I wrong?  I think her bedazzled cell phone may just say it all.  

And their poor kids............ Apples usually don't fall too far from trees.

Ink on paper with digital color.

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills: facials and cat-fights! And a pinch of New Jersey.

How many times have you parted your shoulder-length dry and fly away hair down the middle, placed about a quarter of a million dollars worth of jewelry around your wrist, grabbed your miniature dog, and left your stone mansion to go across the street to your neighbor's stone mansion for an afternoon tutorial of how to prepare a chicken only to have that neighbor use anti-bacterial soap on the bird when cleaning it?  Once or twice?  And how many times has that neighbor's full time chef lurked in the hallway, scowling while mumbling something that sounded like "that god damn fake bitch and her god damn dog"?  It's happened before right?  Oh...... and how many times have you gone to visit an old friend who's clearly post retirement age, lives in a garishly-decorated 60,000 sq ft home, and you're introduced to his personality-free Russian mail-order child-bride?  Once or twice?  Well..... if you're Lisa Vanderpump, it's de rigueur.  

Oh and how many times has a friend invited you over to their home for a "spa day" and the setup is nicer than most true spas?  Once or twice?  Well, Adrienne Maloof who already has a spray-tan room and some hydrating machine that costs 40K added three massage therapists, facial-mani-pedi givers and a bevy of other indulging, relaxing goodies to her repertoire.  Oh and she had a couple stud host-helper dudes and Miss Maloof, I approve.  That one guy had arms like Popeye.... did you see him?  I love that Adrienne had a buffet fit for people who actually eat: fondue, cheeses, crackers, desserts galore, frozen yogurt (with the company's logo prominently displayed naturally), and other yumminess.  The sad thing is with Taylor, Kim, Brandi, and Camille who clearly prefer to not eat--- most of that delicious buffet was wasted.  I think Kyle and Dana probably had a bit to eat.  So one by one the gals arrived, slipped into robes, and with their purses clutched tightly they mixed, mingled, relaxed, and then talked shit about Brandi-- the new girl.  The women hate her because she called Kim on her erratic behavior at the previous party.  Sure Brandi's shrill voice screaming "she's wasted.... she's on crystal meth...." was over the top but the Richards sisters weren't any better with their "you're a slut pig" and "shut your god damn mouth" and "I don't like you".  It was a bunch of annoying, entitled bitches hollering at each other and I thoroughly enjoyed it.  I love watching that sun-damaged Kim with her badly in need of conditioner hair and her bizarre behaviour, is that wrong?  Those confessional scenes where her words are slurred and she's waving her arms around like she's about to get in a bar fight--- heaven!  It's terrible but hell, I like it.  I drew the wild and distracted Kim getting a hydrating facial with the 40K machine.

Ha ha ha ha ha!!!!  Kim is my new favorite to draw.  She's so animated and off her rocker which makes her the perfect subject to sketch.  Oh that's crazy gals......  Adrienne tried her best to play peace maker by strongly urging Brandi apologize to Kyle but I don't know, I think the fight at the game night party was a "push" in terms of ignorance.  All parties went too far but if apologies are being handed out, Kyle being the more rational out of the Richards pair should say sorry too.  By the way, does anyone else think Kyle talks a little like her niece Paris Hilton?  I notice a little of a baby talk voice here and there and that makes me want to plug my ears.  Oh dear if there's one thing I can NOT stand it's that god damn fake Paris- Kim Kardashin girlie baby talk shit.  For that baby talk voice alone I'm siding with Brandi.  Not that she's that much better.... well... again, it's a push.  I'm waiting for Kyle's apology.  I will too say that I thought it was weird of Adrienne to not walk Brandi to the door as the gaggle of mean bitches snickered and laughed and said "don't let the door hit you in the ass" as she left.  Bad mean bitches. 

One more thing really quickly, isn't it interesting that Camille is entirely different this season?  Did she blackmail the editors at Bravo because she seems almost likable.  Maybe that's overreaching but she's doing a better job at being "normal".  What did I just type?

The Real Housewives of New Jersey reunion show.

This is going to be a quickie as I start a little free-lance gig this morning and I'm parked at a nearby Starbucks on my way to work because my wifi is out.  Errrrrrrrrr!!!!!!  The reunion show was basically an hour of Teresa screaming, freaking out, and saying any number of stupid things to her cast-mates.  Her behavior was like a wild animal that had been backed into a corner and was lashing out in all directions as she would go from somewhat calm to a frenzied monster in 0.1 seconds.  For me, there were two moments that especially stuck out from that hour-long brawl.

The first would be when Teresa was losing her shit and yelling at her sister-in-law Melissa who was wearing a red dress, "You're the devil. You're wearing red. It matches you. You like that, bitch?"  Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!!!!  I've been constantly repeating that line to my partner in the heaviest Jersey accent I can muster.  Oh thank you for that Teresa!  So if Teresa behaved like a wild-eyed stampeding bull, Melissa on the other hand came off really well: calm, rational, sincere, nice, likable......  I quickly doodled Melissa's surprised reaction to all the crazy crap that Teresa was spewing.

That was drawn with a bic pen in a fancy sketchbook and finished with some digital coloring.  Go team Gorga!

The other fantastic moment came from the sage Caroline Manzo who is clearly the levelest headed member of this clan.  Mrs Manzo aimed the following statement at Teresa with the precision of a sharp-shooter. "I feel like I'm getting dumber as the minutes go on. I am in a whirlwind of stupid. I don't understand what she's doing. It doesn't make sense to me. Nothing make sense ... I should take my own advice, and my own advice two years ago was to get you out of my life, and I'm finally taking it."

HA!  Nothing further your honor!  I rest my case.

If you'd like to check out my facebook page, please have a look here. 

Is Teresa Giudice a stampeding bull?

I created the above illustration in antcipation of tonight's part one of The Real Housewives of New Jersey reunion show.  In the sneak peak clip I saw, Teresa seems to be going full-on berserk and attacking her cast-mates.  And really, is that so surprising?  I'll go with no.  The best thing I saw in that teaser would be Teresa grunting that her sister-in-law Melissa looks like the devil because she's wearing red.  Ah ha ha ha ha ha!!!  That triggered an image of Melissa's dress as a red flag being waved at a stampeding bull which is how I drew Teresa.  And why not throw her little hubbie on top going for a ride?  :)

I'm posting this so early because the wifi is out in my home and I'm going to be off galavanting around town for most of the day so in a Starbucks I sit and type, attach, and upload.  Happy reality TV-watching y'all!

Previous NJ recaps can be seen here.

Illustration completed with pencil, pen, and digital color.

I'm on Bravo's website! You'll find my gallery on the Watch What Happens L!ve page.

Oh my goodness gracious.........  Bravo has given me my own gallery with 44 images of my drawn and painted Bravo-lebrities.  Please click here to have a look.  I'm having a hard time finding the right words to express my overwhelming gratitude......  I'll simply say thank you to Bravo and all those involved in making this happen.  I feel like I should be wearing a crown, clutching a bouquet of red roses, and waving as I walk to end of a stage while mascara-soaked tears stream down my face.  That might happen later this afternoon.  :) 

Thank you again Bravo! 

Oh, one other thing..... I have a facebook page if you'd like to like it please go here.  :)