Sorry, but here goes yet another round with that boozed up, used up, coked up, fed up, free lovin, finger f@#king floozy-- Endora Cameltoe.
Everything in italics is written by my BFF a.k.a Endora Cameltoe.
Here goes.................
Me: Hi again Endora. Our last conversation about celebrity cellulite caused quite a stir. This time I'd like to tackle another issue plaguing Hollywood. That issue, of course, would be Pussy Pits or PPs. No it's not the face of the Virgin Mary that appears when skin folds around the armpits form a rather specific feminine shape. It's not the face of the baby Jesus either. I believe this photo of Christina Aguilera (please click) in a strapless gown really brought the topic to the forefront. And then like any hot Hollywood trend, it was quickly copied. I found this ghastly photo of reality TV icon Kim Kardashian sporting the look.
Of course the always fashionable Posh likes to give some mayjah Pussy Pits.
I had thought this was an exclusively female situation. My mistake. I unearthed this stomach churning picture of Carrot Top showing some serious PPs.
So tell me Endora, how do you feel about Pussy Pits, Christina Aguilera, and, knowing you, David Archuleta?
Endora: Personally, on other women, I think this is a putrid, disgusting nightmare. Do you hear me Xtina? Bitch stole my moves and copied my sound. Anyway, I have the height and stature to carry off pussy pits, but most women can't. On me, this phenomenon should be celebrated, like the opening of a spring flower or the sweet, syrupy, soulful sound of a David Archuleta ballad. Whoops! I guess I just let the cat out of the bag and need to come clean. David Archuleta and I have been "dating" for the past 78 hours and will be releasing an all duet hip hop/gansta/folk/mormon gospel album later this month. "My Boo" or "Lil' Poppi" as I like to call him is an animal--be it in the back seat or while tearing into a Christopher Cross classic. It's been a whirlwind of dorky "aw shucks" modesty, child rape, malt liquor induced blackouts and shame. He's done things to my pussy pits that I didn't think were possible--or appropriate--or legal. It makes me think back to my first female circumcision. It was an "accident", but was actually due to a practical joke gone terribly wrong that the popular girls played on me back in reform school. The "behind the gym abortion" that I thought I was about to get, turned out to something else entirely. Boy, was I embarrassed! I told my mom that I tripped in gym class and got my "chonch" caught on the uneven bars so that she wouldn't worry. Well, it all grew back pretty quickly and I was on my merry way. Right after I turned 19, my next female circumcision was court ordered in an effort to keep the community "safe" and "free from harm". Whatever.
Me: Ummmmmmm.......... Endora, some may say what you lack in talent you also lack in looks. And on to point, I'd additionally like to say that you lack good taste and decorum. But for the sake of this weekly feature I hope you stay the course.
Endora: What are talking about?
Me: I'm talking about John Mayer and his rumored large penis. I saw this photo of him and feel as though that gossip can't be true.
I read that you once "dated" him and would like to know if there's anything to that rumor?
Endora: Funny story. Back in the summer of '02, I had gotten clean again (well kind of--the smell got better and I could drive) and was looking for a fresh start. I had just been dropped by my label, DefJam/Whore, over "creative differences" (vomiting in the studio/alleged purgury of Paula Abdul) and the projects I was developing with NBC ("Punky Brewster: The Reckoning" a made-for-TV-picture and "Puss n' Boots", a variety show hosted by myself, Mindy Kohn and Taylor Dane) were "dropped" from the schedule. Those rat bastard corporate stooges were under the impression that I was "unreliable" and "dangerous" and "a whore". Whatever. Anyway, like any smart/lazy businesswoman, I turned to internet porn. I posted pictures of myself that could be interpreted as "artsy", or as some have said "disgusting". My site became so popular that I started up a chat room that would allow me to connect more deeply with my patrons. Immediately, I started getting threatening/erotic/confused messages from none other than John Mayer. At first, he requested more photos and videos of the usual stuff: me scantily clad in a meadow of wildflowers, me with one of my boobs peeking out of my blouse, me on the toilet eating a corndog, me taking a dump in the street--you know how it goes. Things moved pretty quickly. He demanded to meet me. He had just come off of a series of failed relationships--I'm not one to gossip, but have heard about Trisha Yearwood, Bea Arthur, and Matthew Perry. I decided to meet him for coffee--someplace safe, public and with a relatively wide alley out back if I started to feel "romantic". Things were a little awkward and boring until he unzipped his pants while I was ordering my tall soy no foam 1/4 equal half decaf caramel latte. He pressed himself up against the small of my back and I could feel his "manhood" straining through my "Karl Lagerfeld for JCPenny" poly blend strapless sun dress. The smell of Drakar Noir, hemp and guitar oil was intoxicating. I had to have him and I was hungry for a good old fashioned "tittyf*ck"--it had literally been hours since my last one. I'm a lady, so I don't want to give away any specific details, but just know that I was walking funny(er) for a month, needed to get a colostomy bag to do "my business", chipped four teeth, picked up a rash that I'm just now getting the better of and was never able to get the stains out of that cute little dress. I will always love that man. It tears my heart out every time I see him with that damn Jennifer Aniston--knowing that she's getting what's mine. He'll be back. They always come back. I like chicken burritos. I smell smoke--it might be my hair.
Me: Endora, I'd like to say this was a pleasure but.......... well...... you've given me a lot to think about and a lot to try and forget. I will say that I was somewhat amused by your ramblings and I look forward to next week's sessions. Anything you want to say in closing?
Endora: I would like to quote the great Paula Abdul and simply say that, "I'm standing in my truth."
The end.
Stay tuned for more.........................
