The Real Housewives of Atlanta. This is just a quickie!

Sometimes a quickie is all you really want anyways, right?  As it has been an eternity since I've attempted a recap, and being woefully out of practice at this, I needed a good warm up.  Hello cabernet!  A few sippy sip sips of the devil juice (as my partner calls it) and I was creating those awful depictions of Kim and NeNe with pencil in an impossibly small sketch book.  Looking at them this morning I thought they'd benefit from a little photoshopped coloring. Each drawing took maybe five minutes with another five in coloring.  Hello quickie!

So SheRee is ready to be in movies.  Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Ah ha hahahahahaha!!!!  She said about three lines in the worst high school play type of delivery and now she's box office bound.  If Kim can put out a single, why shouldn't SheRee put out a movie?  I mean SheRee did wow us with her high fashion clothing line last season so logically the next step would be feature films.  Right?  For all SheRee's ridiculousness- going on and on about how she's used to the finer things like eating in a 5 star rest-o-rant- somehow this season she doesn't bother me.  Sure she's insanely full of it but when it comes to that game--- Phaedra wins.

So speaking of Phaedra, it's appropriate she and Duh-wight have glommed onto each other.  Yes child..... birds of a feather and all.  I have a story to tell you about him at the end of this posting by the way.  Duh-wight arrived at casa lawyer/ ex-con with arms full of flowers which looked like he stole from a wedding.  They "yes honey-ed" and "oh girl please-d" each other until I thought I'd developed food poisoning.  I just wanted her husband to take of his shirt and have that baby shit all over Phaedra while their wild-haired photographer documents the whole grizzly offense.  Or better yet, just have that husband take all his clothes off and Phaedra, the baby, Duh-wight, and the photographer can all go in another room.  I will give Phaedra points for referring to Kim as an "uneducated hookah."  That shit is funny.

Speaking of said hookah, Kim truly excels at being ridiculous.  For me the best part of the whole show was when she invited the gals over to watch her get some kind of laser fat removal treatment which she needed before going on tour with Kandi.  That tourbus is going to be their Scary Island!  The laser special is called Zerona or some shit and it costs $3,000 for six treatments.  The machine looks like Ikea made a vacuum meets dental examination device which projects red swirling lights onto "problem" areas.  Totally credible.  I swear I need to invent a nicotine infused white wine that has traces of lip enhancing restylan and sell that shit to Kim.  I could retire!  And watching her eat greasy pizza while having that procedure done did make me fall for her a little.  Her other shining moment was when she announced she was flying to LA to get her hair bleached--- her hair she covers with a wig.  Don't they have bleach in Atlanta?  Maybe that wine I'm going to invent should also have traces of peroxide in it too?

Oh Lord, I thought I said this was going to be a quickie?  :)  So just to wrap this up as I want to get to my Duh-wight story...... Cynthia made a friend contract for NeNe which I'm going to pretend didn't happen as I like her and if I think about it too long I'll certainly determine she's bonkers.  I will say the only "real" moment for me is when Peter, Cynthia's fiance, apologized to NeNe for barking at her the other night on the phone.  That actually seemed genuine unlike most of the stuff on the show..... or maybe I was drunk by then?  That would explain my drawings.

Ok so on to what I really want to talk about.  I did this posting back in 2008:

http://prettyontheoutside.typepad.com/gilmore/2008/11/the-real-hous-2.html.  I was so struck by the dynamic duo that was NeNe and Dwight and what animated characters they were that I did this drawing of him and sang his praises.

But little did I know what I was inviting in.  That first season had just ended when I received an email from Dwight saying how much he loved my depiction and wanted to know how to get in contact with me.  Color me elated!  I couldn't wait to respond and give him my cell number.  A couple hours later and I was talking to Mr Eubanks.  He was just as funny and personable and affected as he seems on the show.  We made small talk for a few minutes and I offered to send him that drawing when he said the real reason for the call was that he wanted to maximize on this new found fame and put out a line of tshirts with his images and catch phrases.  We talked about what they'd look like and I told him I'd just been in NYC and being out at a number of bars I'd overhead several people using his "how dreadful" catch phrase.  Dwight sent me that season on DVD and I agreed to do a variety of drawings with phrases that I thought would work well with each image.  Sounded fun.  He was going to be in LA in about a month from that time we talked and agreed to meet.  I received the DVD, did the drawings along with catch phrases, and was all ready to meet him. 

His hotel was way out in the valley, over an hour drive from my home, and we set up a time window when we'd meet.  He was having a couple meetings that day and wasn't sure the exact time when we could meet but there was a general time.  So that day I packed up everything I needed, drove over an hour, found where his hotel was, and left him a voice-mail letting him know I was nearby and ready to meet.  Tic toc tic toc..... no call.  It's embarrassing to say how long I waited but it was hours.  I had brought my laptop which I could do some other work on as I sat in a Starbucks forever.  Still no call.  I tried that number again, sent a number of emails, and even went to the hotel only to find out he'd just checked out.  So off I went back home in hellacious traffic.  I sent him an email nicely telling him that I was disappointed to have done all that work only to be stood up.  No response.  About two weeks later I got a voice-mail from his "secretary" saying that Mr Eubanks would like me to send my three favorite designs  over for his approval.  His what?!  I ignored this message.  About a week later Dwight called me with a tail between his legs tone in his voice apologizing up a storm and making excuses for that day and on and on and on.  He said he was having some kind of event in a matter of days and wanted one of my designs to print out tshirts for.  As I'd done all that work, I figure what the fuck.  Dumb.  So we agreed on a price.  I'd email over the image and he'd send a check.  I sent but he didn't.  I never got paid.  I sent emails but nothing.  Zero.  I washed my hands of it and now have a story to tell about that stunt queen.  Should I hire Phaedra?

That's that. 

 

Comments

[Emily]

That story made my DAY, maybe even my week.

[Jen]

Oh no, he DIDN'T!?

I simply cannot believe "how dreadful" you were treated by Duh-wight and I am aghast that you waited so long to share the tale!

I am sorry that his true colors came out and all over you - you know what they say about karma though...

Love the quickie - after 3 1/2 months (and still 10 1/2 more to go) without the hubs - it was just what I needed - thanks for that!

Jen in MD

[cris g]

You are much too kind with that sketch of Dwight..he is hideous. I guess he missed the point of having a nose....Dwight, it is for you to breathe with!...His has been altered to the point of losing it's function..I too love the image of Kim face down under the alien probe machine eating the greasy pizza. Also served the purpose of stopping her from the incessant adjusting of the wig. P.S. Where does her money come from...

[jane]

I'm so glad you wrote about Real Housewives, and am thankful for a quickie, but I've got to be honest - I wanted MORE and MORE OFTEN! David, you are the ONLY person that gets RH down to a tee. Nobody else nails it quite like you do! Please don't be a stranger with us & grace us with your wonderful drawings & exceptional writing - I know I speak for many, we miss your weekly (now it should be bi-weekly) updates tremendously!
Have a fantastic holiday season :)

[Jennifer Jayhawk]

You need to call into "Watch What Happens" and out how Dewrong you were treated Dwight!

[borgqueen]

Damn Jennifer Jayhawk, you took the exact words out my mouth. (LMAO, I was finally glad that I finally would be able to use "Dewrong" in a sentence. Alas, I have to wait for another opportunity.)

[frenchfille]

Dwight done DID YOU WRONG!!!!! Can't you just hear NeNe saying it?!?! Loved him last season, but def. was over him when NeNe dropped him like a hot potato over the Greg thing - fishy, fishy. Thank you for confirming what I was thinking! Girl please and yes honey. Missed you :)

[silyrabbit aka TeamGretchen]

How dreadful! Thanks for the recap and story, boo.

[Jennifer Jayhawk]

borgqueen I was LOL about your post! Clearly we are meant to be BFF's!

[jsl]

He probably does that to a lot of people. Hire Phaedra's ex-can to straighten him out! Glad your back.

[Lola]

You are back! Welcome Back! Please don't ever leave again! I was like a junkie wandering the streets on the interwebs looking for my fix. All those other recappers just aren't any fun. They don't have fabulous visuals that sneak into my head the next day and make me snort inappropriately with laughter. And, I certainly can't tell anyone who asks 'what's so funny?' that I am playing with my Gretchen Bellino paper doll in my head.

Just so you know- You are appreciated.

[frenchfille]

Oh, one more thing, no comment on the fabulosity that is Lawrence? He is ... just too good to be true. Every time he sings "but at my house the other day, you were steady calling out my name" I die!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VwsLoXfPIC4

Fierce, honey!

[Beth]

I LOVE you! Reading your posts always makes my day...

[Linda G.]

Love love love that you're back & recapping the Real Housewives! Just like Beth (above) reading your posts make my day also!

[B]

so sorry David! im sooo glad you told us the story, and you know he'll read it since he obviously reads your site (who doesnt?) so since Nene is ready for a white boy now im thinking you should go to the casting and play straight for a season just to get under Dawight's skin (and hangs with the lovely Ms. Leakes) think about it ;)

[sg]

I totally agree with the others.. write to Andy asap! Give him the whole run down and see if he won't let you call in while he is on the show!! Booooo... Duh-wrong.... is a loser. I see him here in Atlanta driving around in our neighborhood - close to where his salon/office/whatever the hell it is - is. Next time I see him.. I'll yell at him for you! :)

[Michele]

Fabulous recap and thanks for the dirt.

No you don't need Phaedra, since you have already avoided stooping to any hood rat levels there's nothing more you can really get out of our pickle sucking SOuthern Belle.

Besides, you can't sue, effectively, someone without a pot to piss in.

Totally disgusting. Blowing off a meeting like this though classless and rude is forgivable, my opinion, but stealing someone's work like this to boot and without any qualms? Pass.

Now we know why Dwight is glued at the hip with that psycho. Birds of a feather.

And I agree, uneducated hookah, was probably the highlight of Phaedra''s reunion reel.

[jordon]

Does anyone else think that Cynthia's boyfriend Peter looks like Sanford on the old sitcom "SANFORD AND SON" with that hideous white beard? How dreadful....Especially when he wore the same cap that Sanford always wore on the show. PETER PLEASE SHAVE IT!!!

[michelle]

wha??! that stunt queen is a low down dirty monkey with a wig on...

[Jen Key]

Shut the front door he totally done did you wrong! How un-ladylike of him. You should call Andy asap, he'd have your back. How amazing was Nene and Mr. Silver Fox himself, Anderson Cooper on WWHL the other week by the way? Made my week, just as your post made my day today. Happy Holidays to all!

[Bonnie]

That sounds so NOT surprising. He's just a player! Bad for you though, you got stung. Guess you're not used to dealing with that 'type' of person. That kind of behavior is inexcusable in my book.

[trintiy]

I had a whole paragraph but it refused to post it, I don't know why? Anyway, I really think someone needs to tweet this story to Andy or you could send whatever you did for dwight to andy so I can see it play out on watch what happens. You should be mazel of the week!!!! Its asking me for a valid url. I did not enter any link....

[LJM]

Tres Tres Declasse! No wonder you practically washed your hands of the Wives this season. Sorry that happened to you, but glad you are back!

[Julianne]

Thanks for coming back with the Franco and the quickie. Your blog makes my day. And Dwight? Oh no he didn't! What a toad.

[Ronnie]

Finally you are backkkkkkk!!! Kisses. The Duhwhite story hella funny. You got Khandied, like how Kim did her with Tardy for the Party. Next time get the cash from his azz up front. Or get it from Greg since he owes Duhwhite money. LOL. OK this was actually the first episode where I liked Fugdra. For real. When she called Kim a hooka, which she is, I died. She acts just like her Kuntry Azz momma and they were mmmmmhmmming and eating and eating. too damn funny. When she checked Cynthia about not borrowing her va jay jay and don't worry about how long it took her baby to cook, two snaps, but poor Cynthia, it wasn't her fault, it was that ho Kim, again. NeNe should be shame of how she is lusting and falling out all over Uncle Ben, Cynts man, so obvious. He didn't have to bring a contract, a pen, nothing, just smile and she was all back in love. Moose ho. Cynthia betta wake up. SheeRee and her weave cannot act her way out of a paper bag, sad. Lawrence is simply fabulous and that song is the bomb, I'm not cha closet freak! But I am a Gilmore freak, welcome back boo!

[Little Edie]

Dwight needs to come crawling back to you for forgiveness and with a little cash.

...and darlin',you know how I love a good crawl.

Bam.

[www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1266233294]

Ok I'm just now reading this...woooooooow! Maybe it's a southern thing, but we would call Duh-wight's behavior triflin'...as in triflin' ass mother sucker. I've been burned by people I did art for so I know it sucks, and I know your designs were awesome. A shame you weren't compensated.

Thanks for sharing and know that the universe will take care of Ms. stunt queen.

[Lori]

How dreadful of him.

People who screw you over in business deserve to be outed. It might prevent some other poor soul from getting ripped off.

Once you lose your credibility in the business world, you're screwed. Some people think it will never catch up with them.

They are stupidly shortsighted not to realize how many business deals they will never be involved in because they ruined their own reputation.

[Lori]

As for Phaedra, I never give her any points except for making me laugh at her hubris.

If she is dumb enough to tell people her doctor was going to induce labor for a baby at seven months because "every baby develops differently" then she is hopelessly stupid.

If her baby actually developed into a full-term baby in seven months instead of nine, she'd be famous and her case would be in medical textbooks.

And her explanation to Andy Cohen about the due date question was ridiculous.

[tcNatl]

Wow, just wow...I'm surprised but then again..I'm not. I'm glad I followed the link from twop to your site.

[Diane]

Can you please sketch DeWight in his best outfit, I mean the one that is a cross between Mr. Peanut and Willy Wonka.

[nmn]

WECLOME BACK LOVE !! this story was my christmas present -- old stunt queen she is indeed!

[Tara]

http://absurdtosublime.net/2010/12/26/dwight-eubanks-encased-in-cement/

Lady Karma is giving DeWight some payback for ripping you off. : )

[Katie]

David, I have been lost without you. Your humor, wit and incredible drawings make you the perfect package. Damn that whole gay thing! But I do have to say that I am disappointed by your not metioning Phaedra's eating of "barbarian" cream. That is some funny shizz. Dewrong needs to make some better career choices than screwing you over because there is a more fabulous gay man waiting in the wings. Don't burn too many bridges honey because looking at your busted Mercedes, you need the money for repairs. Maybe he can get on Kim's rumored spin-off. Bring on Laurence! He is amazing and he can walk in heels better than I can so you gotta give him props. You go girl! Glad you are back David.

[Ronna]

I think we should start a FB campaign to have David be a guest on "Watch what happens live" and then maybe the show would be worth watching. Andy is boring. David is Fabulous. Glad you are back blogging I always post your blogs on my FB account to enlighten the world :-)

[honey]

He's a low down monkey sportin a jeri curl. I vote for telling Andy Cohen for the reunion show. Everyone knows who you are!!! You know all the housewives secretly (and not so secretly) stalk you!
XO

[McKick]

Dwight is LOW RENT. FUNNIEST comment of the season thus far (in my opinion) was from Cynthia: "With those matching pink hats Phaedra looked like a black Tammy Faye Baker and Dwight looked like Willy Wonka". And then as she said "Willy Wonka" they cut right to Dwight in the limo with his purple hat and just the most ABSURD fox-eating-shit-smile on his puss!! I ROARED. Now THERE'S a T shirt!

[naomi]

I love you. You are so funny. I am an artist, and so is my husband. You were seriously not smart to send anything to Duh-wight before getting paid. Ay-eeeshh.

[Rosie]

Dawwwwight is a creep.. Sorry that happened to you. 
Love your art and your recaps!
I'm totally a fan!

[Lydia]

He will get his...sucks that you had to learn the hard way. I just found your blog and I LOVE it! Hopefully just in time for your hilarious take on the new season of OC!