Pretty On The Outside

Lauri Waring Peterson has returned!

Lauri Waring Peterson with her freshly-refurbished face made a triumphant reentry on tonight's Real Housewives of Orange County. I'm only about 10 minutes into the show but had to hit pause on my dvr remote to do this quick sketch. Please, someone..... anyone.... slap me for drawing this shit!

V is for Vicki......

..... disturbed by her date.

:)

The Real Damaged Hair of Orange County

 

Here are Lydia, Alexis, and Vicki at the forced and ridiculous pre-opening party for Tamra's damaged hair rehab center.  Tamra is set to launch a clinic for used and abused blond hair in Orange County and certainly the lines will back up all the way to the 405 freeway.....  Ok, Tamra is really opening a gym but if she were smart (cough, what, cough) she'd include a deep conditioning area because a few of them are featuring some seriously rough hair.  Not sure why, but Vicki this season looks like she styled her hair during a stage five hurricane.  I think her hair is a clear indicator of what's going on in her personal life. Tamra's hair looks like if someone sneezed really hard near her, all that fried mess would fly off in one big clump.  I'd call that texture thatch.  And real quick about Alexis--- that augmented moose chose to be on a show where people fight.  For that inflatable toy to say that the other women are bullying her minimizes the pain, isolation, and trauma that a true victim has felt. 

Lydia is just collateral damage her.

Was just going to leave this a black and white drawing but I couldn't help myself.  Someone, please, slap me for drawing these women. But be warned, if you do slap me--- I'm going to claim bullying.  

 

Alexis Bellino and her old nose

This is Christian Warrior Alexis Bellino from The Real Housewives of Orange County.  Ugh, why do I draw these people?  By the way, that's her old nose.... Just because.  :)

Alexis Bellino's "pretentious intervention."

The OC gals were still in Costa Rica this week and behaving as badly as possible.  Tamra and Gretchen were acting like drunken sorority girls on spring break: constantly belting out a party yowl while flashing their boobs.  Vicki was an emotional roller coaster: woo-hooing one minute then the next crying and saying they were going to be dead one day.  ???  Heather kept it together though with a look at all times like, 'what am I doing on this show?  Being on here better lead to another sitcom.' And then there's Alexis, poor Alexis. Here she is during her "pretentious intervention" in Costa Rica.

That intervention lead by Tamra had all the subtlety of a closed-fist punch in the face or a direct kick to the crotch with a steel-toed boot.  Personally I'd have taken a different approach with Alexis.  Perhaps a "pretentiousness encouragement" or a "pretentious enhancement" session. To me, she's at her best while simultaneously discussing: Jesus, her husband/king, their fleet of cars, her jewelry, her "couture" clothing line for strippers, their various homes, her competitive parenting ability, and her size triple J (for Jesus) implants.

I chose that still of Alexis to draw because it was such an odd mix of elements: that softball sized ring, those enormous furled filler lips, that avalanche of extensions, that sparkle eyeshadow, and anytime someone is crying while wearing fake eyelashes--- I'm intrigued.  It's sad, glamorous, and weird which I find to be a good mix.  It's a Lexitini served straight up a side of white elephant.  :)

Drawing of Alexis completed with ink, pen, and marker on paper with digital color.

If you have a moment, please check out Jesus Barbie.  :)

According to Alexis Bellino, there's a "white elephant" in the room. :)

The OC gals decided to take a trip to Costa Rica which means it's time for out-of-the-country-crazy and that can often be the very best kind.  This is an aside--- I've flown from LA to San Jose, Costa Rica and it's a little over 5 hours.  So why the women all had to fly to Miami to meet Vicki and then fly to Costa Rica making it an eleven travel time is beyond me.  Was Vicki being held for ransom?  I don't get it.  Does Vicki need the support of four contractually-obligated women while travelling internationally?  Personally, I'd be annoyed but then again if Bravo was flipping the bill for my vacation time--- I'd buck up and go along for the ride.  The gals behaved for the most part like over the hill spring breakers--- screaming and wooping it up and begging for attention all while dressed like sorority girls in Cancun.  I will say that Heather stood apart in terms of style and behavior and she offered some of the best elements to the show.  When Vicki was woo-hooing and screaming that her "love tank" was full, Heather appropriately responded 'what?' with a wtf sort of tone.  After more screaming and drinking and odd outfit choices, the gals ended up zip-lining which looks like a blast.  An absolute blast.  There was some stud working the zip-line station and seemingly without asking he braided Alexis's horse tail of extensions and it triggered the best reaction from Vicki.

Bless you Vicki..... don't ever stop doing what you do.  This is another aside, Costa Rica was colonized by Spain over 500 years ago and that equals hot.  Let me tell you, the Costa Ricans as a population are very attractive---- I'm generalizing but hopefully doing that in a complimentary way is alright.  So that Costa Rica stud braided Alexis's mane of Cabbage Patch doll extensions and put her in a harness and she winced, wheezed, and seemed to fully enjoy the treatment.  Note to self: next time I go back there I'll hot glue gun some fried blond doll hair to my head so I can get man-handled by the zip-line dude.  But I digress......

Further nonsense ensued and then we ended up at what we were waiting for--- the Alexis pretentiousness-intervention.  If you know this show, then you know Alexis likes to talk about what they have: tons of expensive cars, one giant house after the next, mountains of jewelry, and other stuff and most of the other cast mates have had enough.  In a previous episode, Heather's adorable husband Terry let it slip that thought Alexis was phony.  A judgement yes, but it was clear he was being funny in a candid moment.  Tamra seizing that little nugget of judgement showcased Terry's opinion to Alexis during their meeting last week.  Anyone else want to stun-gun themselves right about now?  So at that Costa Rican dinner table as the gals assembled it was obvious there was tension.....  something needed to be addressed.  One might say there was an "elephant" in the room or even a "pink elephant" and that of course would be that fact that Terry had rendered a harsh opinion about her.  Alexis said there was a "white elephant" in the room, not a pink one or even a regular one....... a white one.  :)  Heather did a good job at being clear about her opinion of Alexis's behavior and Tamra really went hard with hers.  Gretchen, who's typically on Alexis's side, agreed with the women she can come off phony.  Alexis said that yes, they have a lot of cars and art and that her husband Jim has made money off buying and selling cars and Vicki said she wouldn't weigh in on the topic and that lasted about two seconds and the she weighed in.  As the fighting continued, I really stopped caring.  I was just thinking that Alexis said there was a "white elephant" in the room and this is coming off the previous episode when she said Costa Rica was in Mexico.  :)  Oh Alexis, I'm so happy you're on this show.  

Here's my depiction of Alexis and the white elephant.

It's drawn with ink on grey paper and colored in photoshop.  While on the topic of Alexis, please have a look at my site Jesus Barbie.  :)  And check out my facebook page too if you like.

Thanks!

Jesus Barbie.com

You've heard the term "Jesus Barbie" on Bravo from several people. First time came from Tamra Barney of the Real Housewives of Orange County in reference to cast member Alexis Bellino. The thing is, I coined that term. In a posting on my blog Pretty On The Outside back in 2009, I introduced the expression. Tamra Barney actually got the name from my site and acknowledged that on her Bravo blog. Thanks Tamra! It's pretty wonderful to have a funny idea, put it on a blog, and then have it become part of the Bravo vernacular. I set up a site showcase my drawings of her and my other Bravolebrities. Please have a look:
http://www.jesusbarbie.com/

Alexis Bellino thinks Costa Rica is in Mexico.

After that title, I should really just end this posting..... how can it get any better?  Goodness empty-headed gracious.  Ok, so the show started at Vicki's office and they showed an itty bit of the painting I did for her years ago.  Brooks brought her coffee and pastries and that southern charm which is hard to tell if he's a snake oil salesman or sincere.  "Darlin, I love you and want to spend the rest of my life with you..... What your atm pin?"  I hope for her that he's a good guy.

Next we have Heather up in LA "lunching" with an actress friend and it turns out she actually did act. With the bevy of nit-wits that have been on this show, I figured she'd invented a back story about her acting career but hey--- she was telling the truth.  We did have to hear again how hard it was for her to move from NYC to LA and then to the OC.  And I felt for her.  It's so sad she has to live in that mansion with a husband who adores her and have an elevator.  It seems really f*&king hard, right?  It must be so taxing wondering if she should take the stairs or the elevator in her own home.  Oh what a nightmare I have to walk around my 10,000 sq ft home and wear designer cloths and have a makeup artist....... oh the problems to have.  I do have to admit she's becoming a little more likable.  That husband of her's Terry, he's a peach.  He's a charmer and I'd take his last name happily.  David Dubrow.  Pretty On The Outside Dubrow.  Both have a ring to them.  And I'd have changed my name right off the bat.... not wait 12 years or however long it's been.  Terry, I love you.  Call me.

Next we had Gretchen and Slade and honestly, I don't really care.  Is that wrong?  It's the same thing year after year and nothing changes.  What I am interested in is the mountain of makeup she applies to her face.  Here's what I'm talking about.

This is first thing in the morning makeup for Gretchen.  Slades having his morning coffee talking about his problems and Gretchen's sporting an endless buffet of foundation, blush, fixing powder, eyeshadows, blush, spackle, primer, varnish, potting soil, shoe polish, charcoal, and instant coffee grounds on her face.  Oh Gretchen, please don't ever stop heaping on the face cake.  Enough about them.

Now onto my two favorite parts of the show and both involve Alexis Bellino.  Thank you Bravo.  Alexis shot the cover for a magazine no one has heard of.  I think a Bravo producer made up that magazine and she only heard "cover" and was there.  According to Alexis, her clothing line is doing fabulous and flying off the shelves of somewhere.  Apparently she has two lines.  One co-designed by her housekeeper Towel and the other she exclusively designed.  I think they're both called Alexis Couture.  Right?  Or is one called Alexis Couture by Alexis and the other is called Alexis Couture by Alexis and Towel?  Or Is it Alexis Couture and Alexis Couture?  :)  Or is it Alexis Couture and Alexis Not Couture?  I'm so confused.  But what I do know is that her clothes are as fashionable as Jim Bellino is fit.  Maybe her clothing line should be called, "Oh my God, what have I done?" or "Forgive me Father." :)

There are so many things that Alexis should be embarrassed about: those ridiculously huge boobs, that cascading doll hair, that husband of hers, her birthday toast, her hosting skills, her clothing line, but the one that tops all came courtesy of Vicki G.  My sweet Vicki G.  Miss Gunvalson is planning a "girls trip" to Costa Rica and in a confessional scene moment Alexis said the following quote: "Costa Rica is in Mexico, so it's South."  Ha ah ha ah ha ha ha!!!!!!!!  The camera person should win an emmy for not falling over laughing and knocking the camera off its stand.  Oh Alexis, you've secured a spot on this franchise for as long as you like!  

So the next best part came at the end of the show when Tamra, who's looking pretty hot I have to say, was summoned by Alexis to meet at some restaurant to discuss their "issues."  And basically Tamra told Alexis that she's a fake bitch and she doesn't like her and she'll comment about her if asked.  That seems pretty clear.  Alexis had the following look during the entire conversation.

I actually had the same look when she said the line about Costa Rica.  

Thank you Alexis for keeping me interested in this show.  Please don't ever go........

If you like, you can like me here. 

You've heard the term "Jesus Barbie" on Bravo from several people. First time came from Tamra Barney of the Real Housewives of Orange County in reference to cast member Alexis Bellino. The thing is, I coined that term. In a posting on my blog Pretty On The Outside back in 2009, I introduced the expression. Tamra Barney actually got the name from my site and acknowledged that on her Bravo blog. Thanks Tamra! It's pretty wonderful to have a funny idea, put it on a blog, and then have it become part of the Bravo vernacular. I set up a site showcase my drawings of her and my other Bravolebrities. Please have a look:
http://www.jesusbarbie.com/

Pussy cats, Alexis Belino's odd dress, a secret marriage, and new friendships (?) on The Real Housewives of Orange.

Anything missing from the title?  While watching last night's OC episode I fixed most of my attention on the four slices of CPK's bar-b-q chicken pizza, the half bottle of cabernet, and the two Godiva truffles I indulged in rather than taking any kinds of notes on the show.  Thankfully an hour bike ride earlier in the day made me feel a little less piggy-like.  So without any notes I'm going to type out some thoughts and see if any of it makes sense......

The show began with Gretchen's one night guest spot in the Pussycat Doll's Vegas show and she performed like how we expected.  In terms of live singing ability with Kim Zolciak being the worst and the Countess Luann being the best...... wait, in terms of live singing ability with Melissa Gorga being the worst and Danielle Staub being the best..... wait, in terms of.... in terms of..... oh shit, they're all pretty bad however Gretchen wasn't the worst.  She can still show her face today.  This is jumping ahead of other stuff that happened but I just want to talk about the quantity of makeup Gretchen was wearing the morning after the show.  She and Slade were sitting in their hotel room, bright and early, and Gretchen had full-drag queen makeup on.  

That's morning makeup folks.  It's like when you go to the mall and you walk thru a Nordstroms and there's a gal or two working in the makeup section and they're wearing such an abundance of product that you have to do a double take--- that was Gretchen's approach to daytime realness: fake eyelashes, a pound of blush on each cheek, and a full palette of easter eggs colors deployed on each eye.  This isn't a diss.... I'm actually quite fond of the more is more approach to daytime glamor.  Her performance with the Pussy Cats Dolls the night before left me limp and lifeless but her approach to casual makeup the morning after made me want to cheer and whistle.  You go Gretchen with your heavily made-up face.  

The other big topic and I mean big, surgically-enhanced, topic would be Alexis and that odd Ann Taylor loft dress for woman who are interning as sex workers she had on.  Alexis Bellino aka Jesus Barbie (and remember you read that here first) and her husband Jim prayed before she went to meet with an acting coach to get some help with her tv-hosting abilities.  I love you Alexis just because....  Now this is where it gets interesting..... For her first meeting with the God-approved acting coach, she decided to wear the following dress.

Perhaps she should have prayed over that dress because I somehow think God would have guided towards another option.  Wait a second---- is that Alexis Couture she's got on?  Remember, she names those dresses so this one could be called "Hi, I'm easy.... or am I?"  Her expression mirrored mine as I looked at that rouge ensemble.  It's like the right "off the shoulder" sleeve is serving you Olivia Newton John in Grease- realness and the left shoulder is holding on for dear life against the pull of her massive holy hooters.  As for that acting coach, she's sitting on a leopard printed couch.  Not like a $20,000 Versace lounge chair made by italian supermodels out of real leopard, NO.... it's a cheap, synthetic, odd sofa that even the worst 80s porn director would say is too tacky.  And not sure if any of you remember but right behind that leopard couch were two identically shaped boxy-chairs and one was electric blue and the other was bright red.  I'd have run right out of there personally.  Sidebar--- no good can come from having a cheap leopard print sofa in your place of business.  So...... the coach and Alexis ran thru some scenarios and it was a lot like Gretchen's Pussy Cat Doll's performance and we were all left again limp and lifeless but that dress...... it also gets a round of applause and a whistle.  :)

Other stuff happened but I want to get right down to the main event and that of course is Vicki and her wonderfully expressive face.  Briana who is fortunately cancer-free and her boyfriend went to have dinner with Vicki.  In between the drinks and the entree, Briana served her mother some news that Vicki wasn't ready for.  Taking no time for granted, the seemingly level-headed Briana had secretly gone and gotten married to her guy in Vegas in one of those drive thru chapels.  Was the over-protective Vicki happy?  Did she embrace her new son-in-law with open arms?  Well..... have a look at my drawing and guess.

Vicki with an i was not and I mean was NOT having it.  Swear she was going to say, "I deserve better.  I should have had a white wedding dress and a wedding planner and a veil.  I should have cut the cake and been pelted with rice as I ran to my limo....." Vicki wasn't happy with any of this and didn't hide that what Briana wanted wasn't what Vicki wanted and for that, there will be hell to pay! Dun dun dun........

Of Vicki, you never leave me feeling limp and lifeless.

Drawing of my precious Vicki was completed with ink on paper and digital color.

If you've got a moment, please have a look at my facebook page.  Thanks!

You've heard the term "Jesus Barbie" on Bravo from several people. First time came from Tamra Barney of the Real Housewives of Orange County in reference to cast member Alexis Bellino. The thing is, I coined that term. In a posting on my blog Pretty On The Outside back in 2009, I introduced the expression. Tamra Barney actually got the name from my site and acknowledged that on her Bravo blog. Thanks Tamra! It's pretty wonderful to have a funny idea, put it on a blog, and then have it become part of the Bravo vernacular. I set up a site showcase my drawings of her and my other Bravolebrities. Please have a look:
http://www.jesusbarbie.com/

Jesus Barbie

This is my loving (?) tribute to Alexis Bellino aka Jesus Barbie.  I fashioned her glorious and blessed extensions out of previous illustrations.  I uploaded it to my imagekind shop and it's available for purchase in all sorts of configurations.  On a canvas......

Framed.......

Please have a look at my imagekind shop. 

Thanks!

Also, have a look here:
http://www.jesusbarbie.com/