Here's Juicy Joe Giudice wearing the hat his wife Teresa was sporting at Jaime and Rich's wedding. Why did I draw that? I have no good answer other than I thought it would be funny. By the way, how beautiful was that wedding? I cried throughout the vows and when those butterflies flew out of that box I had to rub my eyes with my sleeve. Bravo!
Real quick, I want to spotlight a few low-lights from the show. In no particular order:
1. Joe calling his wife a punta or whore on the shuttle bus to the wedding.
2. Teresa referencing to Prince William's wife as Kate Hudson instead of Kate Middleton. :)
3. When they all exited the bus, Joe pointed to the geese and said, "Look at the pelicans."
4. When Teresa said "Heckyll and Jyde."
5. Joe talking about smelling like yesterday's hot dogs.
Oh Joe and Teresa, please don't ever stop doing and saying whatever you're doing and saying.
Juicy Joe drawn with ink, pen, and markers on paper with digital color.
What to even say about Teresa Giudice at this point? I don't imagine we're going to discover that she's actually a reasonable person who listens to an opposing view and can change her opinion. Or am I wrong? I think her bedazzled cell phone may just say it all.
And their poor kids............ Apples usually don't fall too far from trees.
How many times have you parted your shoulder-length dry and fly away hair down the middle, placed about a quarter of a million dollars worth of jewelry around your wrist, grabbed your miniature dog, and left your stone mansion to go across the street to your neighbor's stone mansion for an afternoon tutorial of how to prepare a chicken only to have that neighbor use anti-bacterial soap on the bird when cleaning it? Once or twice? And how many times has that neighbor's full time chef lurked in the hallway, scowling while mumbling something that sounded like "that god damn fake bitch and her god damn dog"? It's happened before right? Oh...... and how many times have you gone to visit an old friend who's clearly post retirement age, lives in a garishly-decorated 60,000 sq ft home, and you're introduced to his personality-free Russian mail-order child-bride? Once or twice? Well..... if you're Lisa Vanderpump, it's de rigueur.
Oh and how many times has a friend invited you over to their home for a "spa day" and the setup is nicer than most true spas? Once or twice? Well, Adrienne Maloof who already has a spray-tan room and some hydrating machine that costs 40K added three massage therapists, facial-mani-pedi givers and a bevy of other indulging, relaxing goodies to her repertoire. Oh and she had a couple stud host-helper dudes and Miss Maloof, I approve. That one guy had arms like Popeye.... did you see him? I love that Adrienne had a buffet fit for people who actually eat: fondue, cheeses, crackers, desserts galore, frozen yogurt (with the company's logo prominently displayed naturally), and other yumminess. The sad thing is with Taylor, Kim, Brandi, and Camille who clearly prefer to not eat--- most of that delicious buffet was wasted. I think Kyle and Dana probably had a bit to eat. So one by one the gals arrived, slipped into robes, and with their purses clutched tightly they mixed, mingled, relaxed, and then talked shit about Brandi-- the new girl. The women hate her because she called Kim on her erratic behavior at the previous party. Sure Brandi's shrill voice screaming "she's wasted.... she's on crystal meth...." was over the top but the Richards sisters weren't any better with their "you're a slut pig" and "shut your god damn mouth" and "I don't like you". It was a bunch of annoying, entitled bitches hollering at each other and I thoroughly enjoyed it. I love watching that sun-damaged Kim with her badly in need of conditioner hair and her bizarre behaviour, is that wrong? Those confessional scenes where her words are slurred and she's waving her arms around like she's about to get in a bar fight--- heaven! It's terrible but hell, I like it. I drew the wild and distracted Kim getting a hydrating facial with the 40K machine.
Ha ha ha ha ha!!!! Kim is my new favorite to draw. She's so animated and off her rocker which makes her the perfect subject to sketch. Oh that's crazy gals...... Adrienne tried her best to play peace maker by strongly urging Brandi apologize to Kyle but I don't know, I think the fight at the game night party was a "push" in terms of ignorance. All parties went too far but if apologies are being handed out, Kyle being the more rational out of the Richards pair should say sorry too. By the way, does anyone else think Kyle talks a little like her niece Paris Hilton? I notice a little of a baby talk voice here and there and that makes me want to plug my ears. Oh dear if there's one thing I can NOT stand it's that god damn fake Paris- Kim Kardashin girlie baby talk shit. For that baby talk voice alone I'm siding with Brandi. Not that she's that much better.... well... again, it's a push. I'm waiting for Kyle's apology. I will too say that I thought it was weird of Adrienne to not walk Brandi to the door as the gaggle of mean bitches snickered and laughed and said "don't let the door hit you in the ass" as she left. Bad mean bitches.
One more thing really quickly, isn't it interesting that Camille is entirely different this season? Did she blackmail the editors at Bravo because she seems almost likable. Maybe that's overreaching but she's doing a better job at being "normal". What did I just type?
This is going to be a quickie as I start a little free-lance gig this morning and I'm parked at a nearby Starbucks on my way to work because my wifi is out. Errrrrrrrrr!!!!!! The reunion show was basically an hour of Teresa screaming, freaking out, and saying any number of stupid things to her cast-mates. Her behavior was like a wild animal that had been backed into a corner and was lashing out in all directions as she would go from somewhat calm to a frenzied monster in 0.1 seconds. For me, there were two moments that especially stuck out from that hour-long brawl.
The first would be when Teresa was losing her shit and yelling at her sister-in-law Melissa who was wearing a red dress, "You're the devil. You're wearing red. It matches you. You like that, bitch?" Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!!!! I've been constantly repeating that line to my partner in the heaviest Jersey accent I can muster. Oh thank you for that Teresa! So if Teresa behaved like a wild-eyed stampeding bull, Melissa on the other hand came off really well: calm, rational, sincere, nice, likable...... I quickly doodled Melissa's surprised reaction to all the crazy crap that Teresa was spewing.
That was drawn with a bic pen in a fancy sketchbook and finished with some digital coloring. Go team Gorga!
The other fantastic moment came from the sage Caroline Manzo who is clearly the levelest headed member of this clan. Mrs Manzo aimed the following statement at Teresa with the precision of a sharp-shooter. "I feel like I'm getting dumber as the minutes go on. I am in a whirlwind of stupid. I don't understand what she's doing. It doesn't make sense to me. Nothing make sense ... I should take my own advice, and my own advice two years ago was to get you out of my life, and I'm finally taking it."
I created the above illustration in antcipation of tonight's part one of The Real Housewives of New Jersey reunion show. In the sneak peak clip I saw, Teresa seems to be going full-on berserk and attacking her cast-mates. And really, is that so surprising? I'll go with no. The best thing I saw in that teaser would be Teresa grunting that her sister-in-law Melissa looks like the devil because she's wearing red. Ah ha ha ha ha ha!!! That triggered an image of Melissa's dress as a red flag being waved at a stampeding bull which is how I drew Teresa. And why not throw her little hubbie on top going for a ride? :)
I'm posting this so early because the wifi is out in my home and I'm going to be off galavanting around town for most of the day so in a Starbucks I sit and type, attach, and upload. Happy reality TV-watching y'all!
Oh my goodness gracious......... Bravo has given me my own gallery with 44 images of my drawn and painted Bravo-lebrities. Please click here to have a look. I'm having a hard time finding the right words to express my overwhelming gratitude...... I'll simply say thank you to Bravo and all those involved in making this happen. I feel like I should be wearing a crown, clutching a bouquet of red roses, and waving as I walk to end of a stage while mascara-soaked tears stream down my face. That might happen later this afternoon. :)
Last night was the finale of The Real Housewives of New Jersey and oh my goodness...... it was a fun ride. In all honestly I had my doubts about this season what with the absence of square-tit grinch Danielle Staub and her mob of goons, but once it hit its stride--- dem housewives delivered! The best moment, for me, out of the entire history of The NJ Housewives empire (and what an empire it is) came last night when Teresa compared herself to Lucille Ball. I nearly dropped my glass of wine and coughed up all the dark chocolate I'd been snacking on. Actually I came too close to having my head implode at the thought of that comparison. On the one hand you have Lucille Ball, a pioneering, brilliant actress who some would call the queen of comedy. And deservedly. On the other you have that leopard print-soaked beast Teresa Giudice who wrote a cookbook that seems more like a shitty back-stabbing tabloid tell-all. I imagine on one page there's a recipe for puttanesca and on the other she's saying her italian co-star is only 1/16th Italian.... or that her sister-in-law is a jealous copy-cat, or that her cousin needs to get a life.... Oh no she didn't! And when Jacqueline tried to question the leopard print-soaked beast Teresa about her jabs, Teresa said that they were jokes. Ha ha. Insults are jokes in Teresa's comedic mind. Get it? She's funny.... like she's Lucy. Take it in. So does that mean her squat, dim bulldog of a spouse Joe is like Ricky Ricardo? Oh..... I shudder to think. I had to draw my version of Teresa as Lucy and here it goes.
Joe and Melissa have completely grown on me. Don't judge me but I like them. Sure Melissa may have a problem here and there with grammar. Um..... like when she called her psychic medium a median. That was pretty damn good. I had hoped that for the finale Melissa would yet again give us a grammatically-challenged goodbye gift and she did. She was discussing that leopard print-soaked beast Teresa's cookbook with her sister and in a glossy confessional moment said that she wasn't going to come between her husband Joe and his sister Teresa and that she has seed her way out of the situation. Wait.... what? She seed her way out? I had to rewind and yea, she "see'd" her way out. My partner said she's early-man stupid. :) Oh Melissa, I love your creative use of language and I'll miss you and your cute hubbie. Actually, I'll miss those Jersey guys and gals quite a bit. Be sure and check out the reunion shows. From the teaser I saw, Teresa goes from insane dumbshit to combative code red dumbshit. Ha!!!!!
Hey again! I had planned on only spending a few minutes doing the above illustration of Caroline Manzo in order to have a little extra time for this written portion. But after scanning the pencil drawing into my computer I started adding a little color and then some more color and on and on and now I don't have time to do any kind of recap as I'm already late for work. AHHHH!!!!!!! So hopefully my "Caroline with a migraine" image will suffice. I mean no disrespect to Mrs Manzo with this illustration as I do like her and clearly that stabbing, throbbing pain in her head was caused by Teresa. Mrs. Guidice's impromptu fashion show in which she paraded her deep-fried turkey body in a marvelous spectrum of whore swimming costumes even gave me a migraine. Did you have to take a hand full of Advil and sit in a dark room after the show too?
Well, if my illustration isn't enough then how's about a photo of Greg Bennett in a skimpy pair of swim trunks? Greg is roommates with Caroline's sons and to me he's the breakout star this season. He's gay, adorable, funny, and I have to say that the way uber-straight Joe Gorga is constantly flirting with him has made me rethink my initial feelings towards Joe. I'm falling in like with Mr Gorga courtesy of Greg. Anyway.... the photo of Greg is in the second half of the posting.
A moment of honesty at the top of this posting..... Monday's episode of The Real Housewives of New Jersey was the first one from this season that I've seen in its entirety. While I was away, I missed at least one show and only caught bits and pieces here and there from other airings. Even though I'm arriving at this orange spray tanned and leopard print covered party late, I'm sure it's safe to assume that most of them are fighting and talking shit about each other. Right? This entire Housewives franchise is built on: backstabbing, smack talk, and the promotion of predominantly unwanted products so............ do you think this season would stray from that formula? Hell no! Fight, fight, fight! This particular episode began with Teresa going empty head to empty head with her sister-in-law Melissa. In one corner we have short-tempered reigning champion Teresa battling Melissa who favors shading her cleavage with dark brown shoe polish. Seriously girl, ease up on the booby contouring. What's their beef about? Ummmm.... I'm asking...... as I don't really know. Or care. During the meeting of the minds (?), they just kept repeating the same catch phrases: let's put da past behind us, let's meet in da middle, let's get back to where we was before all da fighting has started, let's be friends once more again, we used to friends so let's us be friends again.......... Progress seemed to be made here and there and as they'd decide to make a fresh start and forget the past--- a second later one of them would bring up some trivial chunk of nonsense and they'd start fighting all over again. Just as quickly though, they'd repeat those catch phrases from above: put da past behind us....... And over and over and over this played out. Make up, then fight, make up, then fight. I'm sure had the cameras pulled back you've have seem a room full of Bravo employees shaking cue cards with those expressions: "Let's be friends again" or "Let's make a fresh start"...... Before I go any further I want to share the illustration I made of Joe and Melissa Gorga.
Note the cleavage shading. :) The illustration is watercolor, pen, and pencil on hot pressed watercolor paper with a smidge of digital color.