Hello there. I'm still away from home so I don't have tivo access. Oh I miss you tivo. Usually I record an episode so I'm free to rewind, fast forward, or hit pause and do a quick drawing. I did, however, catch the last half of this week's OC episode followed by Watch What Happens Live and then as that same episode started up again I wanted to taser myself. Sadly I had to jump off the bleached strip mall express. So........... I'm just going to discuss a couple things........
In What Would Jesus Do related topics, Alexis Bellino has emerged as a dress designer because people (voices in her head) compliment her constantly on her fashion choices. Step aside Donna Karen, Tom Ford, Versace, Vera Wang, Dolce and Gabbana, and the rest because there's a new rising star emerging from the fashion capital of the world- Orange County. Marrying her christian influences: compassion (?), modesty (?), and charitably (?) with her secular interests: exposing her huge fake ridiculous knockers (!), an unchecked narcissism which lead her to believing she could create a clothing line without knowing how to design or sew (!), and a desire to further her "fame" (!), Alexis is set to, well, set the fashion world on fire. Or burn it down like one of the devastating southern california wildfires. A barbie doll needs cloths and a Jesus Barbie needs some especially fancy cloths. Speaking of the term Jesus Barbie, a few of you have alerted me that another site is claiming they came up with that name and that apparently that blogger is no stranger to the not so fine art of ripping off other people's work. Please don't post any links to that person's site here as I don't want to give her any traffic. If you'd like, just say a prayer for her or better yet send her a dress from Alexis Bellino's new clothing line. That ought to be enough to set her on the path back to righteousness.
In the segment where we catch a glimpse of the christian-fashion designer hard at work(?) we meet the person who actually makes the crap that Alexis will attach her name to. I can't remember what her name is but I'm having some kind of post traumatic memory flash of Alexis calling her something like, "Towel." So I'm going with that. Towel is not only a designer but the owner of perhaps that largest cosmetically enhanced upper lip I've ever seen. Whatever they put in an upper lip to make it big: silicone, restalyn, a nerf football....... Towel said I'll have seconds, thirds, and fourths. Towel's upper lip almost makes Alexis's boobs look small. Towel's upper lip almost makes Alexis's clothing line seem understated. I'd like to thank Alexis for sharing this gorgeously altered creature with us...... Alexis is charitable after all. So Towel, under the art direction of Alexis, ahahahahahahahahahaha, sorry I almost died from gagging on my saliva while typing that, revealed the rough drafts of the new collection and oh my god...... oh my god! How to describe this collection? Well...... If Britney Spears at the peak of her meltdown was court-ordered to design dresses for Frederick's of Hollywood that would be released direct to the sale rack using only remnants from Ice Capade outfits then that might come close. The show stopping Dancing With The Stars in Morocco inspired mini gown screamed "90% off" or was that "I cost $2 to make" was a bit too much for Alexis. Yes, even Alexis has a taste line and the almost winged sleeves crossed that line. Being the creative director for The Haus of Jesus (go ahead and try and claim that one thieving blogger) Alexis made the bold decision to cut off the Halloween Jeanie sleeves. Hey, maybe Alexis should sell these as Halloween costumes? She'd probably sell more that way. Why don't you call me Alexis, I'm full of ideas! As Towel tried mustering up the strength to move that enormous upper lip to get the words, "No Alexis! No" out, Alexis snipped, snipped, snipped and then said some shit like, "See, Towel, now every woman can wear this dress." I did the following drawing in about 5 minutes of Alexis just after severing the sleeve and putting her own stamp on the line.
Take a good look at that dress because it is for every woman. Yes, every woman. A dress that barely covers the baby making pleasure zone and has a cleavage slit that a bull mastiff could walk through is for every woman. Got a kid's birthday party to go to? Need to make a quick trip to Walmart? A Starbucks run? Go with God and go with the Haus of Jesus! I could go on and on and on and on and on about this. I do love the Jesus Barbie. Oh and I just about forgot, Alexis annointed us the meaning of couture and it was something like, "Couture is a term put on a dress because it's very rich." I can't be bothered to google the exact quote but that's pretty close. And it's pretty wonderful! Bless you Alexis. Bless you. Oh, one other thing....... A thanks to all you commenters. One hilarious commenter who goes by the name "I'm Ashamed I Love This Show" suggested Alexis's clothing line be called "A Whore In Church". Brilliant! And Bravo! I'm kinda Ashamed I Love This Show Too. :)
After all that, I can't muster any excitement to write about the rest of the show. So that's it for this week. Alexis got all my attention and as always, feel free to comment about everything else.
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