And yes, you did read that here first. Hallelujahugetits! I wrote the term Jesus Barbie in a posting way back in December of 2009 and although a couple blogs have referenced that name, it wasn't til months after the fact. There are quite a few housewives from various cities who've emailed me and let's just say that Tamra did absolutely read it here. And I definitely got a huge kick outta hearing her use that term on last night's OC Housewives. If I may, I'd like to take a quick stroll down the drawn lane that is Alexis Bellino starting with the paper dolls I made of them. Stand back though..... I don't want anyone to lose an eye!
Let me just get Gretchen out of the way. Why is she always laughing so loudly at nothing? She'll babble some nonsense, laugh and laugh and laugh, and then insult her partner Slade by calling him Tubba Wubba. If Slade isn't calling her pizza face, then she should really zip it over his waistline. Yea, I went there. Does constantly joking that someone's fat inspire them lose weight? Or does it make them resentful and eat more? Probably the latter. And as far as the never-ending fight between Tamra and Gretchen..... I'll be keeping my trap closed about that as well. It's like ghosts or vampires--- if you don't believe in them, then you take their power away. So from here on, anytime one of those two starts with the "I'm putting the past behind me and moving forward" or "I'm so over that situation" or "I don't have time for this nonsense but really quick, she's a f**king c**t", I'm just going to stick my fingers in my ears, say la la la la la and day dream about Joe Manganiello. That's a total tangent but I can not wait for the return of True Blood! So that's Gretchen, her feud with Tamra, and my anticipation for some good TV.
Peggy I do remember revealed she's been dealing with postpartum depression and that's nothing I'd spoof. But what I can talk about her are her new chest ornaments. What the hell?!?! Those are rock-hard, 80's boobs. She just needs a Def Leopard song blaring, a fuchsia and white braided head band, a fog machine, a water-bed, and a fire-hose dousing her to complete the illusion. When you have negative body fat and then install two softball sized implants, your skin looks like it's about to rip open. Like if, god forbid, a mosquito landed on one of their things and she smacked it, the implant would pop out like a champagne cork. I was recently asking a straight buddy what he thinks of fake tits and he said he loves them. To quote: "They're like a golf course. It's man and nature combined." No further questions your honor. I personally think ridiculous fake boobs are fantastic as I do enjoy cartoonish characteristics. And she's accessorized her new knockers with a duck bill upper lip and a frozen solid face. I approve. And she strikes me as more than just a bj a night type of gal as she revealed. So that's Peggy.
Vicki, my Vicki. My workaholic Vicki. My Vicki who doesn't know how old her husband is Vicki. My Vicki who'd rather be at work than at home Vicki. My Vicki. My Vicki who travels nonstop for work because Vicki works! My Vicki. My Vicki may be bossy but that's because she's the boss. She's the boss of everyone and if you don't like it, you're going to get spanked. That's just how it is with Vicki. My Vicki. By the way, I'd let Vicki spank me.
Tamra was on fire last night. First saying Jesus Barbie, then calling Jim a douchebag, at some point saying Alexis and Jim's place was "all flash and no cash", and later revealing that he's gotten a chin implant on Watch What Happens Live. Tamra's going to be next season and that's for sure! As far as her using my term Jesus Barbie, she definitely got it here. We'll see if she credits me on her blog. She should.
And lastly....... Jesus Barbie herself. I don't dig into people's financial shit so I don't know or really care for that matter if they're in a "loan modification" or "foreclosure" or "McMansion turmoil" or whatever. I just want to talk about her appearance because that's what she's promoting. Alexis is becoming even more of a doll with the passing episodes.
I mean with the teased updo bun, the swooshing bangs, the cascading curly looks which tumble over her shoulders to about mid-thigh, the entire spectrum of Loreal blond options running thru her hair, the orange skin, and easter makeup palette...... it's just fantastic. I love how much she loves herself. And probably the best moment from this entire franchise came when Alexis was giving Tamra the tour of the house and a peak in their closet revealed this framed photo of Jim.
I took that picture with my phone to use in this posting and funny enough, Andy Cohen brought this up on his show. That picture of Jim is amazing. It's such a Color Me Bad-inspired early 90's postcard that looks like it was purchased at a going out of business gay junk store in the Castro. Clearly they wanted that shown. And the camera person must have shit their pants when they came across that gorgeously framed image. It's just fantastic. Thanks Alexis and Jim for opening your closet and giving me the biggest laugh I've had yet this season.
Tamra gave me a shout out on her blog for coming up with the Jesus Barbie nickname. Thanks Tamra!