Alexis Bellino is Jesus Barbie!

And yes, you did read that here first.  Hallelujahugetits! I wrote the term Jesus Barbie in a posting way back in December of 2009 and although a couple blogs have referenced that name, it wasn't til months after the fact.  There are quite a few housewives from various cities who've emailed me and let's just say that Tamra did absolutely read it here.  And I definitely got a huge kick outta hearing her use that term on last night's OC Housewives.  If I may, I'd like to take a quick stroll down the drawn lane that is Alexis Bellino starting with the paper dolls I made of them.  Stand back though..... I don't want anyone to lose an eye!

Oh.... mammory lane.  It's a very hilly trip, isn't it?

A big ole thanks to those of you who emailed me after Tamra used that term (my inbox was exploding like popcorn being microwaved last night) and another thanks for sticking around during my break.  My project is complete and thanks to a nondisclosure I signed, I'll be keeping my lips sealed and my fingers from typing as there's no freakin way I'm giving a penny back.  And my apologies but I really don't remember the episodes I missed so I'm going to just talk generally about last night's show.

Let me just get Gretchen out of the way.  Why is she always laughing so loudly at nothing?  She'll babble some nonsense, laugh and laugh and laugh, and then insult her partner Slade by calling him Tubba Wubba.  If Slade isn't calling her pizza face, then she should really zip it over his waistline.  Yea, I went there.  Does constantly joking that someone's fat inspire them lose weight?  Or does it make them resentful and eat more?  Probably the latter.  And as far as the never-ending fight between Tamra and Gretchen..... I'll be keeping my trap closed about that as well.  It's like ghosts or vampires--- if you don't believe in them, then you take their power away.  So from here on, anytime one of those two starts with the "I'm putting the past behind me and moving forward" or "I'm so over that situation" or "I don't have time for this nonsense but really quick, she's a f**king c**t", I'm just going to stick my fingers in my ears, say la la la la la and day dream about Joe Manganiello.  That's a total tangent but I can not wait for the return of True Blood! So that's Gretchen, her feud with Tamra, and my anticipation for some good TV.

Peggy I do remember revealed she's been dealing with postpartum depression and that's nothing I'd spoof.  But what I can talk about her are her new chest ornaments. What the hell?!?!  Those are rock-hard, 80's boobs.  She just needs a Def Leopard song blaring, a fuchsia and white braided head band, a fog machine, a water-bed, and a fire-hose dousing her to complete the illusion.  When you have negative body fat and then install two softball sized implants, your skin looks like it's about to rip open.  Like if, god forbid, a mosquito landed on one of their things and she smacked it, the implant would pop out like a champagne cork.  I was recently asking a straight buddy what he thinks of fake tits and he said he loves them.  To quote: "They're like a golf course.  It's man and nature combined."  No further questions your honor.  I personally think ridiculous fake boobs are fantastic as I do enjoy cartoonish characteristics.  And she's accessorized her new knockers with a duck bill upper lip and a frozen solid face.  I approve.  And she strikes me as more than just a bj a night type of gal as she revealed.  So that's Peggy.

Vicki, my Vicki.  My workaholic Vicki. My Vicki who doesn't know how old her husband is Vicki.  My Vicki who'd rather be at work than at home Vicki.  My Vicki.  My Vicki who travels nonstop for work because Vicki works!  My Vicki.  My Vicki may be bossy but that's because she's the boss.  She's the boss of everyone and if you don't like it, you're going to get spanked.  That's just how it is with Vicki.  My Vicki.  By the way, I'd let Vicki spank me.

Tamra was on fire last night. First saying Jesus Barbie, then calling Jim a douchebag, at some point saying Alexis and Jim's place was "all flash and no cash", and later revealing that he's gotten a chin implant on Watch What Happens Live.  Tamra's going to be next season and that's for sure!  As far as her using my term Jesus Barbie, she definitely got it here.  We'll see if she credits me on her blog.  She should.

And lastly....... Jesus Barbie herself.  I don't dig into people's financial shit so I don't know or really care for that matter if they're in a "loan modification" or "foreclosure" or "McMansion turmoil" or whatever.  I just want to talk about her appearance because that's what she's promoting.  Alexis is becoming even more of a doll with the passing episodes. 

I mean with the teased updo bun, the swooshing bangs, the cascading curly looks which tumble over her shoulders to about mid-thigh, the entire spectrum of Loreal blond options running thru her hair, the orange skin, and easter makeup palette...... it's just fantastic.  I love how much she loves herself.  And probably the best moment from this entire franchise came when Alexis was giving Tamra the tour of the house and a peak in their closet revealed this framed photo of Jim.

I took that picture with my phone to use in this posting and funny enough, Andy Cohen brought this up on his show.  That picture of Jim is amazing.  It's such a Color Me Bad-inspired early 90's postcard that looks like it was purchased at a going out of business gay junk store in the Castro.  Clearly they wanted that shown.  And the camera person must have shit their pants when they came across that gorgeously framed image.  It's just fantastic.  Thanks Alexis and Jim for opening your closet and giving me the biggest laugh I've had yet this season. 

Bless you.

***Update***

Tamra gave me a shout out on her blog for coming up with the Jesus Barbie nickname.  Thanks Tamra!

Comments

[frenchfille]

How crazy is it that the INSTANT I saw that picture of Our Savior and King, Jim, I thought of this site?! And then to hear "Jesus Barbie" - too much! Thank you for being you :)

[twatty]

I think the least Tamara should have done is given you credit for the term last night when she used it again with Andy Cohen on "What What Happens LIVE!"

[Lydia]

So glad you're back, and that you caught that photo of Jim!!! I did think he had lost some weight this season, maybe his face just looks thinner with the implant?
Alexis tweeted this morning thanking Tamra for the nickhame, I made sure to correct her! Love your site!

[stacie]

The only reality TV I watch is the Housewives - Orange County and NY are my favorites. (I can do w/out the Atlanta ones though) This site is a total hoot, I look forward to reading your reviews and love your off the wall take on these lovely creatures.

[Gilmore]

Thanks everyone for your comments. You're right Twatty :) Tamra should have credited me on Watch What Happens Live. It's only fair as she got that name here.
xo

[michelle]

Ha! I KNEW she must have heard (seen) it here!

Bravo owes you another pay check.

[Mauricio]

I love that tv snap shot of Jesus Barbie, very realistic in an unrealistic way. She looks afraid and confused, like Jim (the savior) just walked by her and cut one. Gilmore, you should have copyrighted that name to cash in on the royalties.

[CourtneyP]

This ... this right here is my new blogging obsession! Tamra totally gave you a shootout in her blog, so I followed the link over here and am now the happiest girl in the world!

[Alicia]

Tamra just gave you credit on her blog! :)

http://www.bravotv.com/the-real-housewives-of-orange-county/season-6/blogs/tamra-barney/the-real-world

[Bloggingbypictures.blogspot.com]

love it! as soon as Tamra said "jesus barbie" i was waiting for her to credit you... i'm glad she did in her blog. Love the drawings and recaps as always!

[Dawn]

I hope we get to see the new project soon. You are the straw that stirs my curiousty.

I also hope, millions of people buy Jesus Barbie with cut out clothes. This and lynns braclets were top notch! Patiently waiting for more more more.

[Lisa]

Another funny name to call her is Jugs for Jesus

[I'm ashamed I love this show]

I want Alexis to call her clothing line 'A Whore In Church™', so Gilmore if you could start using it, that would make my decade.
Can you imagine seeing the hang-tags at Kohls with that name on it? I KNOW! I die.

Vicki Vicki Vicki...she doesn't know what is wrong; she just knows something IS wrong. All the work, all the movement, all the noise...and that nagging feeling never goes away. She's so disappointed with all the people around her...they never seem to get it or get her. She never seems to notice she's the only one who is disappointed. Employees are not family. They are there for a check and that's it. Sad.

The return of Jeana looms...like her banged up hair. Honestly woman, you work for a living..how much does hair product cost?! Get ye to Bumble & Bumble, STAT!

[Mari]

I KNEW Tamra heard it here! I loved that Vicki coyly said "did you say 'Jesus Barbie'"? When we ALL know she is your straight wife!!

[julie]

The first time I ever heard of your blog was on Tamra's myspace (back when I needed more housewife stalking during off-seasons).
She had some of your pictures up and I thought they were silly and then I read all of your posts in one night because I became addicted to the funny!
I think Tamra is the Madame de Pompadour to your Boucher.

[Linda G.]

Love, love your blog & illustrations! Jen Sale's website is taking credit for "Jesus Barbie." http://www.chicagonow.com/blogs/reality-zen-with-jenn/2011/04/real-housewives-of-orange-county-episode-7-recap-tubba-wubba.html

Maybe you should correct her!!! $45 everytime you use it. . . really?! :)

[Peter]

There are copy cats everywhere. You should watch out for them. What's so upsetting about it is that they won't even take the time to give credit to their source.

[Cyn]

Dude...you make me laugh out loud. I get on your blog while at work and have to explain myself each week. Keep up the blogging you are GENIUS!

[kathy blair]

I thank Tamara for getting me to you. Too funny. Everything I have
ever thought and more great illustrations

[DBR]

You "nailed" Peggy, David. TOTALLY 80's boobs. But I would go with Tawny Kitaen, circa White Snake - Here I Go Again video...
http://www.losmejoresarchivo.com/TawnykitaenTit.jpg

Tawny and Peggy actually are starting to look alike. I think all women who go under the knife look errily alike. Maybe it is some kind of weird cosmetic cult!

[AlexEsq]

For the lowdown on the foreclosure on Jesus Lane, check out the following: http://realestalker.blogspot.com/2011/04/update-alexis-bellino.html

What a shell game these self-professed, holier-than-thou hypocrits play to avoid their financial obligations - weaseling out of at least 3 public auctions to unload their 6900 sq ft behemoth. All the while trilling, "I'm not in foreclosure." At least Tamra have the guts to admit she was in a short sale.

[The Glamorous Army Wife]

I just found your blog today, thanks to Tamra's trackback and I almost peed my pants at your discription of Jim's picture as a throwback to Color Me Badd!!!
You are going on my blogroll and I will be back for more!

[Bella_Marchesa]

You really, really need to be on twitter!

[KittyGlitter]

Please tell me you are working on a drawing of Jill Zarin and her new "look". I'm hoping for a I Dream of Jeannie but in a skinnygirl Margarita bottle.

[Housewifehater]

Ha ha Gilmore----you tried to get-away from them, (and us?), and look what happened!
I died when I heard her say that. You know I said to myself, "Uh-OH-let's see Gilmore try to ignore that?"

[DeeDee]

Please tell me you have heard SIMON of RHONY on his new single I'm Real? AMAzeballs! lol

[suz]

So happy you got some press and give you tons of credit for restraint on not calling all the OC housewives trailer trash.
I have this vision that they all live together in a trailer park and only for the filmng of the show do they live in houses.
Kudos's to Bravo for finding the trashiest women in California for the OC housewives.
Sorry I have not visited you lately but I tired of all the HW shows.
It is however, wonderful for you that they are such perfect cariactures.
I do wonder what happens in a few years - do they start beating each other with their walkers.

Tamra and Vicki must be in their 60's by now aren't they?

[Bryan]

uh Dee Dee, Simon's song is not amazeballs its shit balls, the last thing we need is that druken aussie to start warbling, he needs to sell pony rides using Alex as the pony , That bitch is one big old horse!

Suz, I think they both hit 61 and 68 this year OY!!! deputy dog herself.

[suz]

Bryan,
big old horse comment is right on

[SuzieQ]

I just wish someone would call Vicki out on telling everyone "Welcome to my world!. So far she's claiming Seattle, Coto and Puerto Vallarta are part of her world. God, how obnoxious! And WTF is up with her face this season? It doesn't look like injectables and she doesn't seem 'rested'. Looks like an upper face lift

[Motogirl707]

Wow, the drawings of Alexis are hilarious, and so dead-on. "jesus barbie" love it;) And thank you Tamra for telling us about this site:)