Pretty On The Outside

The Real Housewives of Orange County. Cougars Gone Wild!

Hello, hello, hello!  Oh......... it pains me to say that a recap of this week's OC housewives is going to be postponed til the end of the week-ish.  Being a free-lance artist means there are moments when I have too much free time and others when I have none.  I'm fortunately in the no spare time zone due to a few projects projects and hey, duty and my bills call.  So in the meanwhile lick a line of salt, bite a lime, and do a shot.  Or is that bite a lime, do a shot, and then lick a line of salt?  Or is that lick a line of salt, do a shot, and then bite a lime?  Or is it bleach your hair, go to a tame resort in Mexico and act like you're in a wet t-shirt contest at all times, simulate a faux-lesbo moment by having a stranger do a body shot off your hopefully spf 40'ed body, and then gag over anchovies being in your caesar salad.  Yea, that's it.

On a side note, I mentioned last posting that my good friend who goes by the nickname Twatty texted me after the Tamra/ Eddie bathtub scene that she got a totally gay vibe off of him.  And that he had to chug an entire glass of red wine only furthered that notion.  After this week's episode where Tamra said they had sex to Lady GaGa, my buddy Twatty left a message saying, "Sex while listening to Lady GaGa.... nothing gay about that."  I'm just Twatty's messenger.........  If you tasted Twatty's divine cooking you'd be her gay-assumption deliverer, errand runner, fluffer, agent, whatever too. 

Cheers!

Gawker.com portrait

Here's a little show and tell on this lovely Thursday afternoon.  A couple months ago I had the good fortune to illustrate the outrageously talented editors and authors at Gawker.com.  Seth Abramovitch has been a part of the extended Gawker empire and now is writing for that site.  Yesterday I was asked to illustrated his handsome face and here's how it came out.

It will probably take a day or two before this illo appears on Gawker.  Here's an example of Seth's writing in this wild article about scientists turning mice gay.

FYI if you have an illustration inquiry, please contact me.  I'm for hire.

The Real Housewives of Miami. It's all about William Levy and Marysol's mouth!

Thank God for tivo as I was able to basically fast forwarded through all of last night's episode. In all honesty I don't care about this collection of gals and since I watched only bits and pieces this isn't going to be a recap.  NO!  This is going to be the quickest of quickies.....  And like a quickie, this also has a satisfying finish.  Trust me.  One of the scenes I partially watched was Marysol's wedding.  Emphasis on partially.  I don't know where their snow covered mountaintop nuptials took place: Aspen? Sun Valley? Whistler? but what I do know is that her mouth was captivating!  Something about her hair pulled back really made that thing pop out.  This may be a bit of a stretch.... but...... I think her lips are artificially enhanced.  Shocking, huh?  How dare I make such a salacious declaration?!  As Marysol and her mother are the only and I mean only likable people on that show, I think a program about just those two would have been way better.  That's my two cents.

I hit pause on my tivo during her vows and marveled at that pucker.  And then quickly drew her.  Oh those lips..... those luscious lips!  Ok, that was one thing I enjoyed last night and the other was, of course, William Levy.  Sorry, make that William Fucking Levy!

The Real Housewives of Orange County. Soft core porn, sh*tty vacations, and a magic penis.

Let's join hands and form a prayer circle to give thanks for Alexis Bellino shining a light on what a good christian: wife, mother, and person should be.  That's the order, right?  If you're by yourself, it's ok, simply hold one hand out towards your computer screen--- aim for her giant chest--- and virtually we'll all symbolically connect.  Are you doing it?  Here's the saint of silicone in all her glory.  Praise be!

The Real Housewives of Orange County welcomes Peggy Tanous. Thank you Bravo.

Look at me... I'm posting the same night as the show which hasn't happened in forever.  Perhaps it's cause I'm feeling better (hallelujah!), perhaps it's cause my guy is outta town and I'm f**king bored stiff tonight, or perhaps it's my elation at welcoming yet another blond to the show who may be just as awful if not worse than Alexis.  Is that even possible?  Someone in the casting department deserves a raise for snaring this broomstick with cascading My Pretty Pony hair.  My drawing of Peggy is more of a scribble completed in between sips of a super-sized hot toddy than an actual true rendering.  This is an aside, but my hot toddy recipe is as follows: 1 cup boiling water in which I steeped about a dozen cloves for 10 minutes, 1 tbs of blue agave nectar, the juice of one whole lemon, and a shit load of whiskey.  Heaven, heaven, heaven and I recommend those of drinking age try that recipe.  This new housewife Peggy is a dry cocktail of equal parts: Rock of Love contestant circa 1985, budget Ann Coulter, and some ammo.  Here goes.....

Lea Black.... did you really mean to wear that? If so, I just may be in love with you.

The Real Housewives of Orange County. Blond vs. blond vs. blond vs. blond.

Last night the curtain was lifted on the sixth season of the Real Housewives of Orange County and we got a gander at the exclusively blond cast.  Gone is confused brunette Lynne with her confused husband and those horribly-mannered confused kids.  Do you think Lynne realizes she's not part of the cast this season and somewhere in a rented McMansion she's in full makeup on a treadmill waiting for the Bravo cameras to film her?  Probably.  Back to the blond topic, I kind of felt like last night was a PSA on what can happen texturely to your hair after years of peroxide abuse.  Conditioner...... that's all I'm saying.  And speaking of remedies, I've had the flu since mid last week which morphed into bronchitis and after a doctor's visit this afternoon, I'm now on a couple different meds.  My good friend TB (not Tamry Barney by way) checked in after my dr appt to find out what I was prescribed  and informed me that one of the antibiotics could make me shit myself.  Wha.... wha... wha.... WHAT!?!?!  I might WHAT?!  So as I sit here with an upset stomach.... uh oh......... I'm going to try and get thru this posting rather quickly as last night's episode was more of a reintroduction.  And I feel like crap.  And I'd like to avoid sh*tting myself.

Elsa Patton from The Real Housewives of Miami is a queen amongst the commoners.

Tonight's show hasn't even aired yet so this isn't a recap, no--- it's a posting of praise for the most exquiste flower in the Miami bouquet.  Elsa Patton is mother to fish-lipped, business woman Marysol.  Don't remember what Marysol does, don't necessarily care....... What I do give a great big crap about is her mum.  Hey, a mum is a flower, right?  I was onto something with that bouquette analogy.  Sure Marysol may have the mouth area of a fresh water bass, a face as frozen as a popsicle, and hair the consistency of broom bristles.......  I'm not really making a point with that last part, just listing some observations.  What I really want to address is Elsa and without further ado, here is my depiction of her.

 
 
Gorgeous, right?  Those luscious lips, that shimmery eyeshadow, those perfectly sculpted eyebrows..... perfection!  And to really turn the fun volume up, she's a witch!  This gal is a party.  I look forward to welcoming Elsa into my living room every tuesday night. 

Thank you Bravo..... I'm forever grateful.

If you'd like to purchase a digital print of this original artwork, just click here.  Thanks!

Pencil on paper with photoshop coloring.

John Galliano's new look to match his rant.

The word "genius" gets thrown around a little too easily in my opinion but I'd say it certainly fits John Galliano's creations.  And if there is a thin line between genius and insanity, clearly Mr Galliano obliterated that line when he pelted a couple seated by him at La Perle with:  "I love Hilter" and "People like you would be dead. Your mothers, your forefathers, would all be f****** gassed."  Yikers!  I created a new emsemble which better matches that rant.

Sorry.