Italy produces and exports some of the finest goods in the world: beautiful wine, fantastic olive oil, exquisitely crafted accessories, luxury vehicles...... and then there's Teresa and Joe Guidice. Proof positive that not everything created in Italy is desirable. That's Teresa and Joe in Sala Consilina, Italy--- their hometown village.
I have to warn you, I didn't pay full attention to this episode so if I get some things wrong it's because I really don't care. :) I don't think I can be any more blunt than that. Is it just me or has this season of The Real Housewives of New Jersey lasted three times longer and been three times less interesting than any of the other installments? That great Work of Art show also on Bravo began and ended in the blink of an eye and yet we're still stuck looking at Danielle's frozen puppet head and listening to Teresa refer to Danielle as, "Dat bitch" as in "Dat bitch betta stays aways from my fam-i-ly." Ugh..... I'm going to make myself a strong cup of coffee--- make that cwoffee--- and see if I can write something about this show.
And I'm back fully caffeinated--- on Italian coffee by the way!
So the show began with the very short (in terms of height and demeanor) Joe, the shrill and grating (in terms of everything) Teresa, and their four rabid young daughters monkeying around and shrieking as they tried to take their luggage off the cruise ship and transfer it to their shuttle. Garbage cans were being knocked over, teeth were shown, Teresa's hairline and patience lowered, the girls howled, and Joe threatened to throw one of the kids overbroad. Yes, overbroad--- not overboard. High schools around the country should show that clip as I imagine the number of teen pregnancies would drop by half. Onto the shuttle where Joe- who seemed to get fatter, shorter, and more gruff with each passing minute- bitched and swore. Maybe I'm getting that mixed up with the other shuttle ride where he bitched and swore. Or maybe it was that other, other shuttle ride where he bitched and swore. I'm just remembering during one of those rides they drove near Mt Vesuvius and it shot to Teresa in a confessional scene definitively saying that volcano hasn't erupted in hundreds and hundreds of years and then quickly questioning or was it 60 years ago? I'm going with 60 years ago Teresa. Remember that great Mt Vesuvius eruption in 1950? Anyone..... anyone......??? Oh that's good!
Some other stuff happened but the the gist of the whole trip was to see where Joe and Teresa were from. Maybe I'm wrong but I believe their hometown village which does sit high atop a very steep hill that's solely accessible by foot or bicycle is called Sala Consilina. This is a quick aside--- I lived on the fifth floor of a walk-up building in NYC for about 15 months and as a result of constantly ascending and descending all those flights of stairs, my ass was rock hard. Now the Bravo cameras didn't show everyone who lives in that village but of the people they did show, I'm going to say that none of them had a rock hard ass. Quite the opposite actually. I'm really not being a size-ist or an in shape-ist but it just seems like if you live on the top of a mini mountain that you must scale by foot in order to return home that maybe you'd be in good shape. That's all.
Holding down the crazy back home was Danielle and she wasn't alone. Crazy clearly loves company so she and her main pinched-face back-haver Danny decided to go for a bite. Danny in a scripted moment revealed to Danielle that the Manzos were away in Italy and Danielle tried acting like she was hearing that news for the first time. Danielle's frozen face has all the mobility of an ice rink so it's hard to tell if she's concerned, proud, mad, horny........ The Manzos away meant they could go to "their" part of town where she wouldn't be attacked by a knife wielding Teresa or a machete toting Jacqueline and then as if Danny had pulled her crazy string--- she launched into her memorized rant about how Jacqueline's daughter Ashley pulled her hair and she's pressing charges, and how those women are out to get her...... blah, blah, fucking blah, blah, fart, blah.......... Even Danny seemed like he wanted to pull her hair and scream, "Enough already you crazy bitch!" Here's another aside, is it just me or are Danny and Danielle starting to actually look alike? Yikes!
What else? So Danielle is searching for her birth mom in order to make her own life better, not the other way around. I hope her birth mother runs like wildfire away from her. Or do I? Is it possible that the mother is an even worse human being? Could it be? Maybe Kim G is Danielle's mom?! Maybe Kim D is Danielle's mom?! Maybe Caroline Manzo is Danielle's mother? Maybe Danielle was born in that same village as Joe and Teresa (would explain the idiot part) and maybe she and Teresa are sisters? By the way, where is Kim D anyway? I miss him.
Next week is the finale--- finally! Good lord. I eagerly await the introduction of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills and the return of my favorite tanned gals- The OC crew. Give me Vicki with a side of Alexis and I'm good. I still haven't watched Thursday's DC yet and it better be better than last week. I'm just saying.......
That's all for now friends.
Previous NJ recaps can be seen here. Also I've been getting lots of emails about purchasing my drawings. When a drawing is in my etsy shop, after three months it cycles out. If there's a particular drawing you like, please shoot me an email and I can upload it to that shop. Thanks!