I wasn't going to recap this crap but I received so many nice requests to do so and... well.... I'm a giver. The OC reunion shows are usually pretty lame and this two-parter was certainly no exception. Why stray from the formula after five seasons? It was a lot of the "girls" playing with their fried hair, making frozen-frowny/ frozen-pouty faces at each other, and snapping with their arms crossed tightly and their faces completely frozen things like: "You know what..... You know what?!!!", "Really? Really?!", and "I'm over it!" I was waiting for them to pull each others hair and say you can't sit next to me on the school bus tomorrow.
The only parts I found interesting/ compellingly repulsive involved new money Christians Alexis and Jim Bellino aka Jesus Barbie and her King. Jesus Barbie's face was so full of elephant tranquilizers that she could barely speak let alone summons an expression. When she attempted winking at Jim, it looked like her shoulders were forced up into a shrug and her cheeks spasmed. The best part hands down was Andy Cohen asking Alexis if God approves of her plastic surgery and what was the reaction of the church's congregation to them being on the show. Bravo Andy! Jesus Barbie read from The Holy Booble referencing the Psalm of Silicone and informed him and all of us that God approves. He wants us to be happy. God wants her to have enormous boobs, an immobile face, and so much crap injected into her upper lip that it permanently looks like she just left the dentist's office. An unaltered Alexis is an unhappy Alexis and God doesn't approve that message. I said it before and I'll say it again- Hallelujahugetits! When she also said that her minister and his wife were fasting for them, wine shot out of my left nostril with the force of a geyser. If that's true, then her minister and his wife are dumbsh*ts. They starve themselves because Alexis and Jim are desperate attention whores who chose to be on a reality TV show? Someone please buy that minister and his wife a burger and tell them to pull their heads out of their asses. Jim and Alexis must tithe a sh*t load of money to that church. Speaking of the king.....
That purple satin clown shirt, that tone on tone printed satin clown suit, that maroon satin pocket scarf (which is probably 15 ft long being a clown), that goatee, that hairstyle....... that, my friends, is what a mid-life crisis looks like. Sexy, huh?
That's a final look at the paper dolls I made of those two Christian soldiers. There's still some available on my etsy shop. That first batch sold out so I added more. Thanks!
An NYC recap coming soon.