The OC Reunion shows. Bad to the last drop.

I wasn't going to recap this crap but I received so many nice requests to do so and... well.... I'm  a giver.  The OC reunion shows are usually pretty lame and this two-parter was certainly no exception.  Why stray from the formula after five seasons?  It was a lot of the "girls" playing with their fried hair, making frozen-frowny/ frozen-pouty faces at each other, and snapping with their arms crossed tightly and their faces completely frozen things like: "You know what..... You know what?!!!", "Really?  Really?!", and "I'm over it!"  I was waiting for them to pull each others hair and say you can't sit next to me on the school bus tomorrow. 

The only parts I found interesting/ compellingly repulsive involved new money Christians Alexis and Jim Bellino aka Jesus Barbie and her King.  Jesus Barbie's face was so full of elephant tranquilizers that she could barely speak let alone summons an expression.  When she attempted winking at Jim, it looked like her shoulders were forced up into a shrug and her cheeks spasmed.  The best part hands down was Andy Cohen asking Alexis if God approves of her plastic surgery and what was the reaction of the church's congregation to them being on the show.  Bravo Andy!  Jesus Barbie read from The Holy Booble referencing the Psalm of Silicone and informed him and all of us that God approves.  He wants us to be happy.  God wants her to have enormous boobs, an immobile face, and so much crap injected into her upper lip that it permanently looks like she just left the dentist's office.  An unaltered Alexis is an unhappy Alexis and God doesn't approve that message.  I said it before and I'll say it again- Hallelujahugetits!  When she also said that her minister and his wife were fasting for them, wine shot out of my left nostril with the force of a geyser.  If that's true, then her minister and his wife are dumbsh*ts.  They starve themselves because Alexis and Jim are desperate attention whores who chose to be on a reality TV show?  Someone please buy that minister and his wife a burger and tell them to pull their heads out of their asses.  Jim and Alexis must tithe a sh*t load of money to that church.  Speaking of the king.....

That purple satin clown shirt, that tone on tone printed satin clown suit, that maroon satin pocket scarf (which is probably 15 ft long being a clown), that goatee, that hairstyle.......  that, my friends, is what a mid-life crisis looks like. Sexy, huh?

That's a final look at the paper dolls I made of those two Christian soldiers.  There's still some available on my etsy shop.  That first batch sold out so I added more.  Thanks!

Previous OC recaps can be seen here.

An NYC recap coming soon.

Comments

[Lou LaMarre]

You left out the part (all the time) when Vicki played a huge victim... she was so much more entertaining when she would at least fight with people. Now she just threatens to leave all the time if anyone tries to call her on her b*s. I am making a movement for Vicki to be replaced next season unless she vows to pull out one cast member weave an episode next season.

David, Love your blog and art as always!!!

p.s. firsties....I don't care if it's babyish I like that game.

[Angela]

Hey babe I missed you...

Okay Tamrahhh was as fake as ever...she couldn't muster up a decent tear and Vicki is getting fat. Jeana is still my girl and she has definitely gotten bigger. Alexis stumbled all over that plastic surgery comment and got caught in a lie about having only one surgery. Gretchen had the help of a studio for her song...anyone can sing with the right equipment. Lynne is still as nutty as a can of planters nuts. Andy didn't grill them as hard as I would've liked. All in all not too terrible.

Love ya and
Ciao Bella,

Angela

[Maria]

Thank you, thank you and thank you again for writing this recap of the RHOC reunion show! I know how painful it must have been to recap this show because it was terrible to watch! But because you are so brilliant and so absolutely fabulous you made me laugh again so hard my stomach hurt and I had tears streaming down my face from laughing so hard.

I hope this doesn't sound cheesy, but your brilliant artwork and writings are better than Prozac! You have lifted me out of my fog and brought laughter into my life again! Words are not enough to thank you for your hilarious recaps of the housewives and your brilliant artwork! You are an absolute treasure!

[Beth]

You have no idea how much I look forward to all your Real Housewives recaps. They really are the highlight of my internet week. You are right on with your comments and I hope you manage to keep the hits coming. I hope you know just how many people you affect with your humor. Thanks!!

[Suz]

I have been checking for your recap every day.
Thank you

The HOLY BOOBLE- darn, you really need to work for Bravo- you are so much more creative than anyone there.

I bet Andy is really jealous of you

Did I miss it and did Lynn get new boobs with her facial surgery. They look like they start at her chin.

Where do these women buy their clothes?

Is there a store for" fat old ladies who think they are hot". (ok, maybe that only applies to Vicki and Jeana- poor Jeana she must be really depressed -her weight gain is bad-,anti-depressants can increase your metabolism-just saying,)

The other women must shop at "how I can continue to look like a slut even when I am past my prime". Whores do not dress that whorey.

Here is my fashion advice:

When you hit 50 -wear sleeves- no one wants to see the flab on your arms. It can't be helped, your skin just gets loose and goes south.

When you hit 40- dresses should be just above the knee- your behinds are no longer attractive when they sag to the back of your knees. (do squats if you want to prevent this)

Now that I have made myself the unofficial voice of style.

Women,Cut that fried hair and put away the peroxide.

Men shave those Fu Manchu's.

Dress appropriately for the event and your age.
(If the reunion shows are costume parties then you dressed appropriately, especially if you were celebrating Halloween)

And finally throw away your urban dictionary. You are not teenagers and it just isn't "rad"

[Blisterina]

Holy cripes!

Jesus Barbie embossed! I can't stop laughing -- spit strings 'n snot laughing! God, that's funny.

[Jean]

OMG I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Petite Maoiste]

Did you photoshop Gretchen or is that magnificent feathered 1970s hair cascade covering her face like a plastic moldy shower curtain at a Motel 6 actually naturally occurring and the camera caught her mid-(fried) hair (weave)-toss? How awesome was it to have Andy nail Gretchen's sleaze bag boyfriend again and a again? And he called Vicky out on her hypocrisy again and again too. Finally. RHNY has some nice moments, such as C-ntess' serving her former housekeeper, then showing off her Playgirl (!) cover following horse-face Bensimon's revelation that she'll be on Playboy....Lynn is on some serious Oxycontin and/or weed....amazing. Your Jesus Barbie images are amazing. Love love love.

[TeamGretchen]

I can't believe I missed the reunion! Darn it, well sounds like it was just more of the usual. Can't wait for your NY recaps!

[LuLu]

Thank you for that heelarious recap. I had been looking forward to it all day. Mid life crisis..hehehe

[Chelsea Rebecca]

you've taken my love of real housewives to another level. this absolutely cracked me up. when alexis said her paster were fasting for them the first thing i thought was "its not to protect you from harm, its because you are so far off from reality." haha. ahh. that was definitly the longest/best/most empty three hours of my life.

love your blog!

[debra]

clown suit........toooo funny! He looks like such a desperate idiot!

[Bryan]

I'M so glad you did a recap, Like I said before Plexis and Sloth-Hub need to move to Vegas, and like someone said, whats up with Vicki and whats up with these housewives SO worried others will talk behind their back, who cares if they do!?!?

Get some fucking backbone, Vicki wants to present her droopy face self as some strong career minded super-woman, but then she's wasting tears sobbing about Simon or Slade, (OY that clown!!!) Same goes for Countless De Slurpess on RHNYC stop worrying about tramps opening their yaps about you...their tramps who gives a shit.

Now back to S-Sleazo, Slade needs to join the gay website Men over 30, he needs to get into gay for pay he is just made for gay porn especially after seeing some clips of him from the reunion

I am curious to see what causes Jeana and White Trash Tam Tam get into it, Jeana could deck that trick!!!

[Bryan]

One more thing............

I'm trying to decide which couple is the Heidi and Spence of the OC housewives.

Fletchen and Sleaze

Plexis and Sloth

[dbr]

Bless you, David.
You are doin' the lord's work.

[C Carroll New York]

Thank you kind sir! You once again started my week off with a huge amount of laughter.
I especially LOVED the wine shooting out your left nostril which had me laughing so hard that another liquid started running down my leg.
My husband came running in because I was laughing so hard he thought he was going to have to call OUR pastor for my last rites.
"Here she lies, dead from the laughter at Jesus Barbie her King idiotically spewing random and frequent things they THUNK were in the bible."
Gosh David. I can hardly breathe.
Thank you for sharing your gift with so many of us and may the real GOD,( Not Jesus Barbie and her kings playdough God )Bless you for making this world a better place by being in it! CHEERS!
PS Anyone happen to know where I can get some pretty Swans that are pink and have really long legs?

[C Carroll New York]

BTW,
Who would like to make a bet with me that after Slutty Slade and bumpfaced Gretchen break up, that SLADES disgusting smelly crudfilled famous COCK SOCK will miraculously appear up for sale on Ebay.
Come on, bet!!

I had a nightmare after being forced against my will to see that photo of slimy slade nude with a sock on what he wants us to think was his big "thingie"
Uggh, I just felt my stomach turn once again.
I have a feeling, I might be seeing another horrible nightmare tonight now.

[C Carroll New York]

@ANGELA.

Oh hun, If you think that 5'7 and 136 pounds is fat (Vicki)
I must look like a moose at 5.8 and 138lbs.

Next to 100 pound Gretchen, 102 pound Jesus barbie, 98 pound Lynne, and last but not least 110 lb Tamra ANYONE would look fat.

Did you not hear the things on the show during the last 5 years? They don't eat, and I bet some of them are in the Porcelin God religion.

Vicki is a size 10-12 and is no way shape or form fat.
Please take that back or I am going to start nibbling on my bread, taking a bird bite and thanking it and leaving all my food for my husband.

Fat.

Oh Lord.

[Vicki Gunvalson]

Hi everyone - It's me Vicki. I never claimed to be a size 0 or 2, my jeans are a size 29 and my dress slacks are 6-8's. If that's what you think is "FAT", then this world is messed up.

There are more important things to worry about than what size someone is. Do I hear a "woo hoo"!

[Virginia]

Hey Vicki, shouldn't you be working?

[Heather Abrahamson]

Slade = vomit.

[Suz]

Virginia - great line
If Vicki is wearing a size 6 or 8, that is a problem- she looks like she is squeezed in like meat in sausage casing.
She needs to wear a size 10.
Also, Vicki ended her sentence with a preposition.
The sentence should be " There are more important things to worry about than someone's size" ( sorry but my mother was an English teacher)

[Michele]

Marvelous, inpsired. "This is what a mid-life crisis looks like." I really agree with your assessment that the joke is on the Bellino's this year but they're too delusional to get it.

I too was so impressed with Andy's pointed question about the value of plastic surgery in the X-ianity game. I'm coining X-ianity like X-mas because there's no Christ in this religion.

What's curious to me is that she Jesus Barbie didn't go with her minister approved answer: use your Hallelujahugetits for the Lord.

That's actually what the guy said right? I guess I should give him a break because with a flock like this he's got to be functionally psychotic from lack of food. I heard the wife is looking really hot though from all the fasting. Jim Bellino is the gift that keeps on giving just like POTO and Gilmore.

Thus proving the old adage that there is always common ground to be found.

[Amber]

I simply cannot get over how dead-on the Jesus Barbie and her King dolls look like the "real" (and I use that term loosely for Alexis) and Jim. Bravo to YOU! You are one of a kind and absolutely hilarious

[Kim in San Diego]

Vicki I give you a big "woo hoo". No matter what size you really are, you have a loving successful husband and the most well-adjusted children on the show. The size 2s have failed. Miserably.

[Dawn Plummer]

OMG, Can't stop laughing at the Holy Booble! Love your blog! Keep them coming.

[Maria]

I am an east coaster, born and bred, but for some reason I just can't seem to warm up to the NY gals.

My favs are definitely the Orange County girls. Maybe because I lived and worked in Orange County for many years and still have an affinity for that area.

As usual your art work and recaps are the best on the net and any print work by far!

My recent favorites are your art work and recaps of "Jesus barbie and her king". You are a genius! Thank you from the bottom of my heart for making me laugh until I cry every week with your art work and recaps of the housewives!

My favorite housewife is and probably will always be Vicki with an i! She was great this season! And who doesn't love Donn? I know that Vicki can be harsh sometimes. But the way I see it is that she just calls them as she sees them and usually she is spot on!

Not really looking forward to the Beverly Hills gals. But who knows, maybe those girls will be a pleasant surprise and great edition to the housewives franchise!

Thank you once again! You are fantastic!

[Julie]

OMG, I just spit Diet Pepsi all over my monitor. Jesus Barbie & her King. Now that's some funny stuff. (And the drawings...priceless)

[LeeLee]

English teacher's daughter, I hate to break it to you but "is" is a verb, not a preposition. Please, if you're going to correct someone, you MUST know what you are talking about -- oops, now THAT is ending a sentence with a preposition, but guess who doesn't care!? It's the internet, not English class.

[Rebekah]

You need your own "reality show recap" show on TV!!! The world needs more time with you! Maybe like a funnier version of "The Soup"???

[Ronnie]

I'm just glad no one takes crap from that Tammmrahhhh. She is WHITE TRASH and Gretchen was the one who said it. But that coward Tamrahhhh tried to pick a fight with Jeanna. I LOVETD IT WHEN Jenna shook it off like "who give a s*&t you are trash and then asked her Are U? Classic! all that skank Tamrahh could do was try to give yet another Bethenny quote about mad cow. Whatever. Vicki got what she deserved bc she and Tamraaah ganged up on Gretchen last year so suck it. It was great to see that Gretchen spoke up, Jesusbarbie had her back and she kept laughing out loud and VERY LOUD at both Vicki and Tamrahhh. I loved it!!!

[Wolfys Gal]

Hey Icky no way you are a size 6-8. Oh but you wouldn't LIE about that. would you? You are such a TRUTHFUL person?! Hey I was wondering if Bill Wolfsmith filled up your "lovetank" when he stopped by "for a couple of beers" that he posted on facebook. Yes I am referring to her ex-brother-in-law for the uninformed.

[Susan]

Yeah, Vicki's gotta be at least 160+ pounds. That much lard could never fit in a size 8. Try size 14. She's fat, but none of use would probably care if she didn't dress so stupidly so that it all hangs out in our face and if she didn't LIE about it. It's just what happens to women at her age unless they work out like crazy, and she's obviously busy with other stuff. She may not have time to work out, but she could SAVE TIME and make herself look better if she hired REAL stylist. She always looks pretty trashy and if she has the money, which it sounds like she does, a stylist could help her look fabulous given given her body style and weight. She could look much better.

[Susan]

WHAT was up with Lynne's goofball husband walking in with the EXACT same insane hairdo as Jim? What a couple of dorks. I don't know how Andy kept a straight face. lol

[Susan]

Hey LeeLee, Check your grammar at the door, girl. The preposition to which the English teacher's daughter was referring was "up."

lolol

[Erin]

Susan, the English teacher's daughter corrected and rewrote Vicki's sentence that ended with the word is, which is a verb of being, not a preposition. LeeLee is correct-woo hoo to her! If the teacher's daughter wanted to correct the sentence to which you are referring, she could have written: "If that's what you think is "FAT", then messed up is this world."

[Lisa]

LOL @ Vicki writing in and telling us how tiny she is. Ahahahaha what a joke! Who the hell does she think she's talking to? Mostly all women read and blog. Does she really think we can't tell she has a big fat ass??? Puhlease, that thing hangs down to her knees in the back too! Ugh!! Vicki is gross on the outside and on the inside!!

[Binnie]

Lisa... you are a nasty person.I would love to see you in a bathing suit..haha,Vickie happens to be the best on the show,,,eat it..

[icky ellen]

what size do you wear ellen?