Oh goodness gracious...... this is impossibly late. Sorry about that. Really. As I said in the previous posting, I'm working on a logo for a company which has eaten up ALL of my time and I've still got more to do. I actually have to leave shortly to go to a follow up meeting. Far from a complaint, just a statement of fact. Cabernet and health insurance aren't free unfortunately. Also as I watched last week's show, I had an illustration idea which I figured was a little too ambitious to complete for this posting. Alas, it was too much to tackle and I couldn't get it done. Next wrap up will include that. Since this is soooooooooooooooooo late, and since the next episode is only a day away--- I'll keep this brief and just touch on a few items.
That's the only drawing I did for this posting and it's of my sweet yet ferocious Vicki. What's that? Did you ask if it's for sale? Well of course it is! Click here. I know I've been hawking my stuff like crazy recently, but hey.... if these ladies can sell weird cuff jewelry that makes you a sh*tty parent , makeup that causes non-stop laughter and compulsive hair touching, as well as products that completely fry your hair (Tamra sells that, right?), then I'm going to push my work at every opportunity as well. Why don't these women endorse sunscreen and hair conditioner? But I digress......
Just when I was thinking that Vicki has seemed really distant and really, really disinterested this season, she shot not one but two really, really, really amazing zingers right at douchebags extraordinaire Jim (just puked a little) and Alexis (just puked a lot) Bellino. When Vicki referred to Jim as a "smelly dork", I fell in love with her all over. It made me want to pack a picnic basket full of very dirty martinis and head right over to her insurance office. I'd sit in her poorly faux-finished office under a large fleur-de-lis printed tapestry and beg, "Say it again Vicki.... What did you call Jim Bellino? Please say it again... and again... and again. And can you throw a Woo Hoo in there too?" If I may, pretty please, I'd like to piggy back onto Vicki's assessment of him. I'd call Jim a smelly, horribly-dressed, outrageously-cheesy, possessive and desperate to be on TV- dork. Bravo Vicki, you've won me back!
But it didn't end there. The gals took their traveling tour-de-cluelessness show to San Francisco. I personally would like to apologize to that beautiful city. Lynne having just received eviction papers decided to buy a $1,300 leather coat to match her skin. Is that too mean? Of course when you, your hungover teenage daughters, and your near zombie-like husband get kicked out of your house you go and shop. Right? Me thinks the elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor. Then the dumbsh*t caravan led by Alexis went to some lovely restaurant for dinner. Don't recall the name though. ??? Alexis texted and called her family endlessly at the table as the other gals rolled their eyes and Lynne wondered where she was. Wanting to secure a place on next season, Aexis tried to really amp it up by asking to taste Gretchen's liver. Alexis grabbed Gretchen's face, unhinged her square-cut man-jaw and proceeded to shoved her elongated tongue into Gretchen's mouth. Not sure why I wrote that? :) No, that's not very Christianly. Instead, Jesus Barbie knowing she doesn't like liver asked to taste Gretchen dish which was, shockingly, liver. Dumbsh*t Barbie had just gotten the fork near her enhanced lips and started to dry heave, which caused Vicki to dry heave. It was right around that point when my partner asked why we were watching this crap? I just shrugged my shoulders and poured glass of wine #2. As if on cue, it flashed to a Vicki confessional moment and she said of Alexis, "She is totally classless. I don't know why she is sitting at our table?" Oh Vicki, I want to buy insurance from you!
Then the sun-damaged posse headed to Waterbar restaurant for cocktails and confrontation. This time Vicki was the one on the Blackberry wheeling and dealing. Alexis chimed in something to the affect that Vicki's texting and phone calling doesn't bother her, it's the way Vicki treated her at Lynne's dinner. That's what Jesus Barbie had a problem with. Alexis said they could talk about that (the rudeness) but they'd probably need to have a cop present. Oh Alexis, you're such a badass! So tomorrow's episode is the conclusion of that confrontation. It must be pretty good as Andy Cohen is having Alexis on his Watch What Happens Live show tomorrow night. You all should watch Andy's show, it's really good. Last week he had Teresa Guidice on and when he asked who her nemesis was, she stared blankly at him. He had to say it meant enemy. You can't script that!
Oh goodness gracious, I'd like to write more but I'm late for my logo meeting. See you again shortly! I promise.
xo
Lynne bought a coat to match her skin.
you have the best lines.
I can't stand Andy Cohen but will watch to get the Alexis and Vicki scoop
(again, you should do the reunion shows- you would ask the tough questions and not suck up to the housewives like Andy does) sorry horrible grammar in that sentence but you know.
Posted by: Suz | February 17, 2010 at 01:51 PM
The restaurant where the gang from the O.C. invaded was one of San Francisco's finest French restaurants- Fleur de Lys - run by chef Hubert Keller- he was seen greeting the (dare I say) ladies, upon arrival. And I must say that Alexis' rude manners were expected... total wannabe something but have not figured what that something is... however you pin point it by the Jesus Barbie ref :) Peace and good luck with the Logo!!! xo
Posted by: D. Buckley | February 17, 2010 at 01:57 PM
I watched that Andy Cohen episode and it was a hoot. Teresa had no clue what Andy meant by nemesis. She also made lots of simple grammatical mistakes. Her lack of education is clearly evident in a live interview. The funniest part of the show was when Andy mentioned that they had received many calls commenting about her hairline. She had such a "deer in a headlight" look that Andy moved on to another topic.
Posted by: Bonniebelle | February 17, 2010 at 02:18 PM
I CANNOT believe Jesus Barbie dry heaved Hubert Keller's food. Maybe if she ate more than a teaspoon of food per day she'd have a chance of developing a palate. Love you Gilmore!
Posted by: CL | February 17, 2010 at 02:22 PM
You cannot get more nouveau sleaze than Alexis and Jim. Puking up Hubert Keller's painstakingly crafted cuisine is the pièce de résistance for Alexis.
They are the low brow ass clown couple of LA, to be sure. No small achievement.
However, I'd pay Fleur de Lys prices to see Teresa flip a table there. I loves the drama.
You Rock DG. Thanks for what you do.
Posted by: DBR | February 17, 2010 at 02:41 PM
Your posts always make my day! Loved this line..."Then the sun-damaged posse headed to Waterbar restaurant for cocktails and confrontation." Thanks for always making me laugh:) Hope your meeting goes well!!
Posted by: Amy | February 17, 2010 at 05:07 PM
While I was watching Andy's show I had fallen asleep with my wineglass in my hand - did I dream that Teresa wanted to make it clear that her sleazebag husband Joe was not pulled over for drunk driving - he simply crashed into a pole on his way home? Thanks for clearing that up, Teresa.
I thought I didn't hear her right when Vicky called Jim a smelly dork. Bravo to Vicky - she is my hero. I would have the dry heaves too if I had to sit through a meal with those Jesus Barbie and Tam-retch.
Lynne - so much to say. Anyone who goes to Tamra for any kind of advice is surely headed for trouble. True to form, Tamra tells her that shopping is just the thing she needs. My favorite line of Lynn's was when she told hung-like-a-horse Frank (I had to get a large penis reference into this somewhere - but I digress) that she wanted to be treated like an adult - to only say 3 seconds later that there was no way her hard earned cuff money was going be used for something as stupid as paying the bills. Way to go Lynne! When did Raquel become the voice of reason in that house?
I will watch Andy's show - let's hope Alexis gets there early enough for Andy to fill her up with enough skinny girl margaritas so her conversation will at least be interesting. I wonder if he will have the balls to snore while she is talking?
Good luck with the logo I am sure it will be terrific you are very talented. Love you as always.
Posted by: bravofan | February 17, 2010 at 05:08 PM
I think I love the regulars' comments just as much as I do David's! Well, I can breathe again now that the latest intallment has finally been posted ( best wishes on a successful assignment!)
Posted by: Susan | February 17, 2010 at 05:17 PM
Hi David,
So good to see your hilarious postings! It puts this F___Fest in perspective.
Whatever happened to the days when the housewives really cared about each other? Sure they may have had disagreements but in the end they always had a glass (or two)of wine and buried the hatchet. Now each episode seems scripted right down to Alexis' perfectly staged vomit moment.!!
Who would have ever thought that Vicki would be the voice of reason? Calling out that big fat Pimp Jim was right on, Bravo should be boycotted for subjecting us to these two LOSERS! The only thing worse than being subjected to Alexis' gigantic ego (and really ugly children)is to listen to her giving "advice" to the other housewives!!
Don't even get me started on Lynn. This deranged, brain-damaged, totally delusional OLD woman has no business deciding on what she should eat for dinner, much less trying to raise two outacontrol substance abusing teens who are completely ill-equiped to survive outside of mommy and daddy's house. OH!! wait a minute, they don't even have a house anymore...HURRY!! Maybe there still is time to add four more losers to bankrupt California's welfare rolls. Lynn will have to return that really ugly leather jacket though...they got it on film!
Posted by: Carlie | February 17, 2010 at 06:48 PM
Heyyyy boo.....okay that comment about the jacket matching Lynne's skin was genius!!! Alexis and Jim are TRASH....the fake vomiting scene was actually a front for what Alexis was going to do later in the restroom. I'm surprised she didn't ask for a doggy bag so that she could take her meal back to Jim the molester. He really looks like he has someone tied up in the basement whom he burns with cigarettes. *shivers*
How could Gretchen, Tamrahhhhh, and Lynne go out and shop and can't even pay their bills??? That's why they're in the shape that they're in now. And did you see how busted Raquel looks? Ewwwww...Lynne and her daughters look like their pussy's stank! Fish City for sure.
Hope everything went well with your logo meeting and I missed you. Tell our nephew hello for me and have a wonderful night.
Love ya and
Ciao Bella,
Angela
#1
Posted by: Angela | February 17, 2010 at 08:18 PM
Alexis Bellino's low-budget behavior in Hubert Keller's beautiful establishment has merely reinforced the notion here in SF that Southern Californians, and in this case, Orange County people, are hopelessly grasping trash.
Posted by: PacificHeightsSFGirl | February 17, 2010 at 10:59 PM
On Alexis's elegant behavior all - absolutely, FdL is a world renowned restaurant and the chef makes the effort and it all looks reasonable and then well you know. My sincerest apologies to SF on behalf of all American citizens.
Maybe Frank can get a pay day loan from Dirtbag Jimbo on Lynne's handbag collection. "Same day funding, No credit, No job, no prroblem."
And if Frank does clean out the closet and get some cash in hand, what then. How long before Alexis decides to start carrying Lynne herself around on her shoulder? I mean how much can Lynne possibly cost at this point? 14.79? 32.89? There's really not much left original and what is left seems a might stringey.
Anyway on them. They're going to completely castrate this guy now. He's paid all the bills from his pretty little princesses all these years and now when he needs support: Fuck You ! Get The Money ! Nice family.
Posted by: Michele | February 18, 2010 at 04:46 AM
Waterbar Sitdown? In the street with drinks lollygagging around on the sidewalk and making a scene? Lovely. Alexis is trying to take over and I don't like it at all. Team Vicki. Not only does she have to exist which is bad enough but now she's instigating confrontations with the Queen. "We are not amused."
Gretchen: I also thought Gretchen was sweet when she broke down with the kid. But then Jesus Barbie jumps over onto the couch and has to get all in the middle of it rubbing Gretchen;s shoulders. Why was that necessary? Was Slade going to have back Alexisilicone of "his woman" forcefully. I guess in dirtbags own words from the tipperware do, it's just tequila/foie gras Roman themed party replete with vomitoriums and backstabbings. "That's just what happens at these things."
Thanks for a great recap. This is the best one of Vicki or at least one of them, there are so many awesome sketches of the first lady of the OC.
Posted by: Michele | February 18, 2010 at 04:50 AM
Carlie, I just read your comment and I must say it was masterful. Thank you.
Posted by: Michele | February 18, 2010 at 04:54 AM
Angela, OMG. Jim the molester? I am laughing so hard right now I can't type. Some of the nicknames for Jim in this thread are truly inspired.
Gilmore. I would pay 100.00 American for a pic of Jim The Molester dressed up in a Nazi Christian black leather outfit disciplining Jesus Barbie in black leather slave gear as she boils his eggs in their kitchen, caption reads "home sweet home" welcome Bellinos. He should have a dialog bubble that reads, "This is unacceptable."
Why? because Fuck Him and this is America, you can actually do something like that. Free Speech and all that good stuff.
Or maybe a pic of Jim laying his hands on the wee family as he departs for a busy day screwing over desperate people at the pawnbrokerage he operates.
I'd pay cash money for one of those. Name your price. Seriously, Jim as a Nazi? It has to be done.
For humanity ...
Posted by: Michele | February 18, 2010 at 05:05 AM
@ Carlie...your comment about Lynne and I quote you, "This deranged, brain-damaged, totally delusional OLD woman has no business deciding on what she should eat for dinner, much less trying to raise two out of control substance abusing teens who are completely ill-equiped to survive outside of mommy and daddy's house." Classic!!!!!! and so damn funny. Also very true.
@ Michele...and I quote you as well, "Maybe Frank can get a pay day loan from Dirtbag Jimbo on Lynne's handbag collection. "Same day funding, No credit, No job, no problem, And if Frank does clean out the closet and get some cash in hand, what then. How long before Alexis decides to start carrying Lynne herself around on her shoulder? I mean how much can Lynne possibly cost at this point? 14.79? 32.89?" Wowww, Leather Lynne as a handbag or as my grandma says, "a pocketbook," is so freakin funny and thought provoking. I'm screaming!!! I really want to come to The O.C. and hide behind a bush and wait for her to come out of the tanning salon so that I can trap her and have her made into an Italian 100% leather pocketbook. A true flesh tone accessory. Ewwwwww...... Y'all, these comments are too funny.
Pretty On The Outside makes me smile <]:^D
Love ya David and
Ciao Bella,
Angela
#1
Posted by: Angela | February 18, 2010 at 06:48 AM
To continue on the same theme of Lynne's leather face (thanks DG for getting it started)- it would be a distressed leather handbag.
OK one more- Antiqued leather.
Posted by: Suz | February 18, 2010 at 06:55 AM
1) Alexis gagging was due to the fact she put actual food in her mouth. Remember Jimbo does not let her eat.
2) A little off topic, but what happened to Bravofan.com? I know that Maria Diaz was a big fan of this site. Between Pretty and Bravofan I would get my daily RHOC snark fill
Posted by: RBR | February 18, 2010 at 07:36 AM
Got to say that tonight's episode calls for tequila (no more messing around with wine for me!) The "ladies" should all just have a bar brawl and let the bottle blond hair fly! (Lynne (the only brunette) can be referee and stagger on her platforms). This episode has got to be the second to last for the season. Anybody know?
@RBR - I do enjoy Pretty as much (if not more) than BravoFan. Everybody's comments here are priceless and everyone is polite to one another at all times - also DG is always involved and watchful. I have tried to get on BravoFan these past two days but the site automatically changes to crushable.com. Was BravoFan shut down? DG?
Posted by: Rebecca | February 18, 2010 at 11:12 AM
RBR-
Maria got laid off :(
You can look her up on facebook or twitter.
Posted by: deedee | February 18, 2010 at 04:04 PM
SFGirl-
Please, please, don't hold the housewives against all of us OC natives! I promise I'm not that slutty! I just moved to Las Vegas to... To... Finish my education and land a good, steady job.
[That's my story and I'm sticking to it! :-D ]
Michele-
"On Alexis's elegant behavior all - absolutely, FdL is a world renowned restaurant and the chef makes the effort and it all looks reasonable and then well you know."
And don't forget that Chef Hubert Keller was a contestant on another Bravo show, "Top Chef Masters". Fleur de Lys in SF has been awarded a Michelin star. Chef Keller also has both an FdL and (the original!) Burger Bar here in Las Vegas. Basically, this was NOT the place for Alexisilicone to trash it up by vomiting in the private dining room.
I'm sure if it weren't for the Bravo cameras, the FdL staff would have kicked all those crazy bitchez out of there.
"How long before Alexis decides to start carrying Lynne herself around on her shoulder?"
Depends on whether "Jimbo Jesus He-Man Wannabe Porn Star" thinks his Alexisilicone has been on good behavior.
Are y'all excited about tonight's episode? Oh yes, and... GO TEAM VICKI! :-p
Posted by: atdleft | February 18, 2010 at 05:44 PM
I stopped breathing about 10 times in last night's episode.
Posted by: Jennifer | February 19, 2010 at 05:33 AM
No more Bravofan? I'm so sad. :( I love Maria's posts too.
Posted by: Kari | February 19, 2010 at 10:09 AM
I am jumping ahead on David's blog chronology here but there is only one sane, level headed and mature person on that entire program and her name is Brianna.
Posted by: Susan | February 19, 2010 at 01:56 PM
Susan - you are absolutely right. I feel very bad for Brianna that she has Vicki for a mother. Brianna seems to be the adult and not the child.
Posted by: Rebecca | February 19, 2010 at 05:28 PM
Why all the outrage with Alexis ejecting food that didn't agree with her? Seriously. She didn't projectile vomit, she didn't spit it on her plate or on the floor or on Vicki's lap as Vicki's behavior would indicate, she spit in her napkin - BFD. It was Vicki's reaction that was out of control. Alexis rid her mouth of something vile and Vicki was gagging, and gagging some more. I have a very sensitive digestive system and a lot of foods can haunt me for days if swallowed. In a former life, I have tried to be a gracious guest and eat a couple of bites of food that I knew would be toxic to my system - NEVER again. I don't care if I'm at FDL or Baja Fresh, if Chef fancy pants or Chef Boy R D cooked the food, if in doubt - I spit it out. Since everyone in this room seems to be so appalled, I thought I would Google the situation and see what pops up. Here is only one example to back my reasoning:
Obviously this isn't something Miss Manners would approve of but it is very important the child (or adult, for that matter) spit the food out immediately. Now is not the time to be polite and run to the bathroom. Teach them to grab a napkin or even do it in their hands if nothing is available. Explaining the situation to shocked people watching is much easier than comforting your child in the back of an ambulance.
TEAM SPITTING.
Posted by: Virginia | February 19, 2010 at 06:37 PM
Virginia
That is find that you are sensitive, but I would hope you don't make a freakin spectacle of yourself when you reject a morsel at a restuarant. That is how civilized people behave. They quietly and surreptitiously remove the forign substance with a napkin like they were merely wiping their mouth.
You're not at McDonalds. We don't want people thinking you are a rube, do we?
Well, it is too late for Jim and Alexis. They are clodhoppers and bumpkins of the most awkward kind. Clods with $$$. As a former foodserver and bartender, there is nothing more unpleasant than being talked down to by some douchewads like the Bellinos while you attempt to explain what Surf and Turf means.
And it says something when they can't even function in a Red Lobster like place without making a scene.
Total hayseeds.
Posted by: DBR | February 19, 2010 at 09:31 PM
Virginia I think you missed something. Unlike that weird feeding thing she did with Vicki (what was up with that anyway?)no one forced anything into Alexis' mouth - she asked to taste Gretchen's food. Was it something toxic? Obviously not. Did she have no idea what she was eating? I bet not. Was it something her Red Lobster palate can't handle? Obviously.
Hey - maybe the consistency reminded her of Big Jim's penis. If that's the case, then gagging is completely understandable.
Posted by: bravofan | February 20, 2010 at 03:18 PM
"Hey - maybe the consistency reminded her of Big Jim's penis. If that's the case, then gagging is completely understandable."
Bravofan, that is too darn funny!
Posted by: texastek | February 20, 2010 at 07:29 PM
Once again, Pretty is TOO funny! Love the post and the dead-on descriptions of the RHOC - Jim and Alexis make me want to puke.
Even if it's late, PLEASE don't stop posting Pretty! Makes me laugh hysterically sometimes.
Hope the logo meeting went well!
Posted by: KB | February 21, 2010 at 03:23 PM
Hey everyone!
This is Maria from the formerly known as Bravofan.. I am now at my own house (owned, not rented like our lynne) at bravogossip.com
It's gonna take me a while to put up all the older posts, but i'm gonna try.
The company that owned the site laid me off and now it redirects to a new site called crushable.
Sorry to hijack your thread Gilmore! xo
Posted by: Maria | February 21, 2010 at 04:17 PM
Maria I went to look at Jesus Barbie and I must say that she has a "butter face"...you know, she has an ok body "but her" face is fugly!
Posted by: texastek | February 21, 2010 at 05:11 PM
Looking forward to your new blog Maria. Each blogger is special in their own way. No one can top Gilmore's illustrations. That makes him one of a kind. Great re-cap.
Posted by: Lisa Lovelace | February 22, 2010 at 12:50 PM