Pretty On The Outside

The Real Housewives of Orange County. Onward silicone soldier.

A great big THANK YOU to everyone who commented on my last Real Housewife posting as that received the most comments of anything I've done in the three + years of having this blog.  (If you click on that last link, you'll hear how that makes me feel.) Truly, absolutely, and completely appreciate your feedback!  I'm a hugger so I wish I could give all of you a big old squeeze for your support.  And an extra special thanks to those who purchased the Jesus Barbie and her King paper dolls.  :)     

Speaking of my previous posting..... I still, unfortunately, am ill.  :(  (Click that link too please.) There was a moment midweek where I thought I was turning the corner but no, I took a u-turn back to Sickville.  Dayquil continues to be my drug of choice and just to shake things up, I added Sucrets lozenges to the mix.  I don't know what the hell is in those lozenges but my partner just asked me a question and it took about 15 seconds before I could answer.  I'm on a time delay.  I can now say with certainty that Frank and Lynne are Sucrets abusers.  That would solve the "what the hell are those two on?" mystery.  I also had hoped Alexis aka Jesus Barbie would say an extra special prayer to end my cold but she's awfully busy at the moment spreading the gospel of facial rejuvenation.  You see Alexis rebukes "inner beauty" and casts "aging gracefully" into the fiery pit of hell where those things belong.  Preach girl!

There's Jesus Barbie in her naughty choir robe reciting a psalm about about fillers and such:

"She who eats more than one mouse-sized nibble of bread, and lets herself get frumpy......

will never have a wealthy, slimy, demeaning, man-boobed king, who looks like Humpty Dumpty.     

Your upper lip may resemble the bill of a duck, but who gives a f**k, as long as your makeup is permanent, your forehead doesn't move, and you know your place...........

you'll never have to cultivate a skill, learn a trade, or read a book--- just make sure your waist is small and you focus on maintaining a pretty face."

Amen. Sorry, that's the Sucrets blogging.

Alexis excitedly beelined her visiting mother to the plastic surgeon who had blessed Jesus Barbie with those ridiculous implants for a consultation.  The issue: her mom's plainness.  That 58 year old mother hasn't ever had one drop of botox.  The horror!  She could frown and show emotion.  Appalling!  Her skin hasn't been resurfaced.  Someone catch me- I may faint!  How had that woman been allowed to enter Orange County?  I thought there were some sort of highway checkpoints to screen out those "natural" types.

As the plastic surgeon started his long list of upgrades the mom needed: an eye lift, sucking the fat from underneath her eye lids, juvederm (whatever that is), fillers, and some other crazy stuff--- Alexis clapped and smiled like she was a five year old at a birthday party watching a clown make balloon animals.

I hit pause on my tivo as she grinned, bounced in her seat, cheered, and nearly pissed her pants at the thought of her mom's face being hacked up and contorted.  I liked that still image so much I drew and painted it.

I think my picture is a truer depiction. 

When the plastic surgeon suggested in six months upon the mother returns that she should get permanent makeup done- Alexis began panting, closed her eyes, grabbed the arms of her chair, and sustained a deep inner uterine orgasm right there in that office.  Again, that's the Sucrets blogging.  :)

Some things from the web that caught my eye.......

Are you watching Spartacus on Starz?  It's terrible but I love it!  Love it!  It has full frontal male nudity, hot gladiators, and some embarrassing 300 special effects.  Love it!  I'm putting the star Andy Whitfiled on my Christmas wish list and also my personal top five list.  Wanna see more photos from last episode?  It's a bit nsfw but oh so worth it.  Did I mention I love it?  Oh La La Mag

 

Now, that's fashion.  Dlisted

Love that photo so much.  It's actually a 3D model by Matthew Albanese.  Drawn.ca

If I had a cat, I'd get this coffee table.  If it's hip it's here.

Current cover of DNA #121 and my new underwear line.

As I scrolled through my email the other day, the above title of this posting jumped out as a very welcome subject line.  Not familiar with DNA magazine?  Well, let's just say it's an Australian magazine which... ah.... celebrates the hotness of extremely hot guys who don't favor wearing much cloths.  No complaints here.  Before I give the link, let me just tell y'all it's a little on the Not Safe For Work side.  Here's the DNA magazine blog. You're welcome by the way.  So after I opened said email, I read the nicest message from a guy named Todd Sanfield who happens to not only be making his second cover appearance but he's also launching his own underwear line.  Here's a link to the Todd Sanfield collection which will be coming soon.  I bookmarked it and look forward to perusing the pages of his new site in the very near future.  Here's Todd from that DNA magazine cover.

Sweet perfectly sculpted Jesus!  Was also pleased to read that my blog buddy Frank Louis had photographed Todd for the issue.  Frank was nice enough to participate in my Prop 8 portrait series.  Well done guys!

If you'd like to see more photos of Todd, and who wouldn't, please following the continuation jump.

The Real Housewives of Orange County. I need Alexis Bellino a.k.a Jesus Barbie to pray for me!

I really do.  My partner had an especially nasty cold for about a week and now it's been passed along to me.  Thanks dude.  I'm on sooooooooooo much cold medicine at the moment that I actually just stared blankly at my computer screen for a solid minute before snapping out of my Sudafed/ Dayquil induced coma.  That must be what Lynne and Frank are on.  If only Alexis was here to pray for me..... I know I'd get better. 

Jesus Barbie could come to my home wearing that lavender sci-fi/ maternity nursing/ evangelical choir robe for our Savior that she favors for her confessional scenes.  You know what I'm talking about.....

 

Hopefully Jim would accompany her with his hair fashioned into a faux-hawk, sporting a hoodie with all kinds of swirly patterns silk screened here and there and the slogan "Douche" emblazoned over his man boobs, and a pair of low-waisted boot-cut jeans.  I would also hope that he'd stroke his goatee and frog-like throat as that totally turns me on.  God I want him to take me to a restaurant and talk down to me as I butter his bread.  Hot!  Jim would lay his hands on Alexis and then she in turn would try and remember everything she ever heard in church, elementary school, and driver's ed to use in the prayer.

"Dear God, it's me Alexis.  Jim, my king, and I lift Mr Pretty On The Outside.com up to you and ask that you end his cold.  We know that when two or more people are gathered together that means they can drive in the carpool lane.  We also know you can end his cold as you parted the Red Seas, built the pyramids, Noah's Ark, and Mount Rushmore, threw Adam and Eve out of the garden of Eden, and discovered America.  And please God let me understand what surf and turf means.  Amen."

I warned you all I was heavily medicated. 

The show began with the gals at Waterbar Restaurant in San Francisco as the confrontation between Vicki and Alexis was reaching a solid 10 on a 1 to 10 dumbsh*t scale.  Vicki: an over bearing tornado of hurt-feelings and aggression was going crazy face to crazy face with Alexis: an empty trophy who wears her Christianity like a tight dress- all for show.  Jesus Barbie was pissed that Vicki said she was the only one who worked (shoot me now) and was grabbing the spotlight as much as she could.  I'm sure Jim allowed her go to San Fran alone under the condition that she fight with Vicki and try and secure her spot on next season.  Can you even imagine how rock hard Jim's nipples must of have been (sorry) last week as he watched Alexis and Vicki fight?  I loved that just as the fight began, Lynne excused herself to go to the bathroom to re-dose on Sudafed and Dayquil.  Tamra chimed in to talk out of both sides of her mouth and Gretchen said she works now (but no one believed her).  Alexis said she works as being a stay at home mom.  I wish Vicki had said, "Bitch please.  Two nannies- you're not a stay at home mom." 

So Vicki couldn't take the ganging up and stormed out of the restaurant.  Brianna, Vicki's 22 year old daughter who might have throat cancer, emerged as the only rational person at that table.  She told the ladies that she didn't want to get in their ridiculous fight, that her mother was stressed out that her daughter may have cancer and had over 800 people coming to an event she's promoting.  She shut it down.  Gold star goes to Brianna.  Also aren't Christians supposed to turn the other cheek?  I guess crazy camera time is more important to Jesus Barbie.  Anyway, Brianna walked outside as Lynne returned to the table, confused as usual, wondering what had just happened.  Outside the restaurant Vicki was crying and pissed and Tamra talked out of both sides of her mouth and Brianna told her mom to calm down- she's was being crazy.  That Brianna, she's good.  So the ladies ended back up inside the restaurant and Jesus Barbie led them in a prayer which was basically like what I wrote above.

Follow me on this part........ Ever since the introduction of new-money Christian hipsters (?) Alexis and Jim Bellino, I've seen her like a doll which Jim manipulates.  That's why I call her Jesus Barbie.  I thought how great to make them as cut-out paper dolls which we could all play with.  That's just how my brain works.  So I did and of course they are for sale.

There's Jesus Barbie and her King.  They are printed on a 8.5" x 11" card stock.  That's page one.

Page two is also 8.5" x 11" and it's all her cloths: that weird sci-fi robe/ dress, her purple intro dress where she says she's high maintenance, a tight pair of jeans and red leather jacket as that's what Christians wear, and a Wonder Woman costume.  Just because.  Use the tabs to secure the cloths to her body.

Page three is all about Jim's gear: A two-tone french cuff shirt, "cool dad" jeans, an appropriate t-shirt, cargo shorts, and a king costume.  Also 8.5" x 11"

All three separate pages are for sale on my etsy shop for one price.  $22 + shipping for all of that.  They will be signed and dated.  You can leave them on the paper or cut them out and play with them.  You can have Jim lay his hands on her...... You can pretend Jesus Barbie is trying to express a thought and have Jim snap and talk down to her.  Endless options.  Thanks for indulging me!  Praise be.

So what else happened?  Jim and Alexis had their pastor and his wife over for a swinger party breakfast meeting.  Alexis wore sparkle jeans and Jim wore a sheer printed hoodie and lots of bling jewelry. It quickly became all about Alexis's huge tits and her clothing.  The pastor said she could use her beauty- a gift from God and her plastic surgeon- to draw people in.  Yes, her implants are a gateway to Jesus.  Hallelujahugetits!  Her frozen face and enhanced upper lip makes heathens want to repent and dedicate their lives to Christ.  Her overly processed hair and low-cut dresses are the path to salvation.  Right?

I know other stuff happened with Gretchen and Slade....... Lynne I'm over it, her daughters we're over it, and Frank huh?! but I need to redose my cold meds....... Y'all feel free to comment away on those issues.  So in conclusion I'd like to thank all of you who take the time to leave comments here.  Whether it's a few words or a few paragraphs, I truly appreciate it.  I don't edit comments, you are free to say whatever you like.  I've had a few people email me directly and say they're a little intimidated to leave a message as so many of the comments are hilarious- and they really are.  So if you wish to leave a message, I say go for it.  Really, all thoughts are welcome.  Thanks!

If you're new to my site, you can catch up on previous postings here.

And lots of my drawings are available here.

Until we meet again...........................................

****update*****

I'm adding these photos I took with my phone a few hours after the initial posting.  I had some fun with the paper dolls around my home.  Hope you'll like.

My 11 year old nephew and his mannequin Martinique!

Typically I get email via my iPhone. When a new message comes from my nephew with an attached photo, I know I'm in for a good time.  Usually it takes about 5 to 10 seconds for said attachment to open revealing some well-designed treat.  Oh and the subject titles are the best!  Often the words "Cutest outfit ever" or "Sparkly from head to toe" will accompany the message.  A new batch of glamor came in last week.  Here's what......

 

My nephew wanted me to take note of the detailing.  He liked how the earrings resembled the zippers on the corset.

Love it!  Fashion is all about the details after all.  So besides these great Martinique photos, my iPhone also allows my nephew and I to engage in some silly texting.  He'll get a hold of his mom's phone and text, "Hi, this is (his name). What are you wearing?"  Then the goofy flood gates open.  My nephew is the white balloon and I'm the green.

 

Care to read another, longer, and dare I say even sillier conversation.....

Real Housewives of Orange County. What did Vicki say about Jim and Alexis?

Oh goodness gracious...... this is impossibly late.  Sorry about that.  Really.  As I said in the previous posting, I'm working on a logo for a company which has eaten up ALL of my time and I've still got more to do.  I actually have to leave shortly to go to a follow up meeting. Far from a complaint, just a statement of fact.  Cabernet and health insurance aren't free unfortunately.  Also as I watched last week's show, I had an illustration idea which I figured was a little too ambitious to complete for this posting.  Alas, it was too much to tackle and I couldn't get it done.  Next wrap up will include that.  Since this is soooooooooooooooooo late, and since the next episode is only a day away--- I'll keep this brief and just touch on a few items.

 

Real Housewives recap coming soon......

Hey all.  So sorry my recap from last week's show is soooo late!  I'm creating a logo for a company and it's taking up all my time.  It's due tomorrow and I have to focus and get it done.  In my spare moments I'm making something to add to that next posting which may be too ambitious.  We'll see.  Going to try and get it all done.  Back shortly.  I swear! 

Items of interest today.....

The brilliant Designer Alexander McQueen has died.  So sad.  Oh La La Mag

Kelly Bensimon from the Real Housewives of NYC is terrorizing Playboy viewers.  Dlisted

I've still never seen The Jersey Shore however I do know who the "Situation" is.  Here he is doing outreach in the community.  Towleroad

Remember Michael Bergin?  He's a former Calvin Klein underwear model turned Baywatch actor.  He and I were on a flight together about five years ago.  In my fantasy we were on our honeymoon headed to Rio.  A boy can dream.  Apparently he had a line of underwear at some point.  Don't recall that but these photos have left a resounding impression.  Thanks for the reminder Kenneth.  Kenneth in the 212

"Sarah Palin is a f**king retard."  Huffington Post

Extremely talented women with an extremely important message.

Cindy Lauper and Lady GaGa team up with MAC Cosmetics in support of the M-A-C Aids Fund and the Viva Glam program. Click here and shop for a great cause.

Someone taser me for doing this posting. Please!

Oh Lord in heaven..... my inbox nearly exploded a couple days ago with links to the following article about the freshly single TamRAHHHH from The Real Housewives of Orange County.  Oh Lord God almighty.... seems she hooked up with her husband's good friend right after they separated.  Sweet baby Jesus..... the drama!  The draMAHHHH!  The Tamdrama!  The TamdraMAHHHH!  Really, someone taser me! 

I actually was going to skip posting about this whole mess but I just got another email with a link to the following article with even more details.  If you're interested in this Tamdrama- you'll like that article a lot.  What I enjoyed was this photo from that posting.

 

I've got a sick fascination with completely frozen-faced cougars so I may be staring at that picture for a while.  Again, someone taser me!

Thanks to everyone who sent me the above links!  xoxo