Pretty On The Outside

Madonna and Jesus Luz unretouched and retouched

I remember when those photos taken by Steven Klein of Madonna and Brazilian model Jesus Luz were in W Magazine.  The first picture I saw of Jesus where he's walking towards the camera and it's cropped right above his man bits made me shout, "Oh my sweet f**king God!" And also made me want to buy a one-way ticket to Rio.  Everyone has their own idea of what's perfect and for me, he's just about there.  Then flowed the rumors they were a couple.  At 51, I think Madonna deserves to have a 22 boyfriend.  Hell yeah!  That's my goal when I'm 51.  So.... by now you've probably all seen the NSFW unretouched photo of Madonna and Jesus Luz from said shoot which leaked onto the internet last week.

 

It's....ah..... not exactly a fantasy photo of either of them.  After the jump, I have that leaked photo and then a reworked-photoshopped version which I think those two would have preferred to have been leaked.  Warning---- there's nudity in the second part of this posting!  Very Not Safe For Work.

Purple Poppies painting

This is an oil painting I recently finished.  It's 13" x 13" painted on a wooden panel.  So much of my work both for pay and for fun is rather tight.  Working in this more loose/ painterly style is freeing and very enjoyable.  Hope you'll like.

You can click here to see a previous posting of flower paintings.

That Poppies painting is for sale on my Etsy site along with a limited edition of prints.  Have a look.

The Real Housewives of Orange County. It can stop.

Thursday's show was titled "I Can't Stop" and I'm not sure why?  Did I miss something obvious?  They can't stop what?  Perhaps......... 

Gretchen: I can't stop compulsively laughing while playing with my bangs.

Tamra:  I can't stop talking about Gretchen.

Alexis: I can't stop making by tits bigger and my face more frozen for my husband and for Jesus.

Vicki:  I can't stop working and reminding everyone how much I work.

Lynne:  I can't stop sniffing paint thinner and being an uninvolved parent. 

Did I get it right?  I have to warn you all I'm flying on a serious caffeine high which means my fingers are a blur of motion so please forgive if miss a word here and there.  I can also guarantee some run-on sentences and plenty of silliness.  OK, here goes........  The Alexis Pleasurebot was malfunctioning this episode- she had a thought of her own.  Crazy, huh?  A thought which she ran by her king/ husband/ boss for his approval and for him to skew, shape, and make it seem more like it was his idea. Alexis or Jesus Barbie or The Christian Pleasurebot or Alexisilicone wanted to have the women over to her McMansion for an afternoon cooking class.  I think Alexisilicone might be my new favorite term!  The cooking class was the bait and the trap was to get Tamra and Gretchen to finally- once and for all- hash it out and put their differences aside.  Before breakfast, Alexisilicone submitted her plan to her revolting spouse Jim and he allowed her to speak for about 25 seconds before silencing her and instructing her on how to approach the peacemaking portion of the luncheon.  You could tell Jim was making a mental note to deactivate her vocal ability before noon.  Alexis seemed like she wanted to interject a couple ideas in but her king wasn't allowing it and basically barked out the plans and then wondered where his eggs were.  

That's Alexisilicone in a confessional moment talking about how great her husband is and how great he is at solving problems and what a great sense of style he has and how great he is at instructing hairdressers to cut their kid's hair and how great he is at being great.  Basically she blew him with her big enhanced lips during her confessional scene.  Sorry for that awful visual.

I'm going out on a crazy limb to draw a crazy parallel right now, so please bare with me.  Singers who are truly talented don't need a big stage production to wow audiences.  Britney Spears and Madonna, for example, need a grandiose Cirque Du Soleil meets X Games stage show during their concerts to distract from the weakness of their voices.  These housewives similarly need some major planned and contrived events to distract us from their entertaining shortcomings: wig/ bunko game nights, tupperware parties, psychic readings, cooking classes, sleepovers, botox/ tanning parties to name a few.  Next week, who knows what they'll do.... Sword swallowing, tightrope walking, hang gliding, wife swapping????  It's also become commonplace for these women to start some new business out of the blue.  Case and point: Gretchen is launching a makeup line.  I'd like to imagine Gretchen puts on an Ed Hardy lab coat, drives her Harley to a makeup research center where she tests the molecular properties of bronzers.  But as far as we saw, a friend of hers came over with a bag full of eye shadows and then those two women arranged an assortment of like four colors into a plastic rectangular boxes and five minutes later voila!- a makeup line was born.  Really?  Really?  Really?  I'm going to audition for that show next season- tuck my enormous wiener, put on a low-quality blond wig, apply some orange foundation, inject my forehead with polyurethane, dress in some Forever 21 sparkle-gear, and push/ promote my artwork at every moment.  I'm totally going to get in on the Gretchen/ Tamra feud and basically talk as much shit about them as possible.  Just nonstop back-stabbing and then I'll hold up a drawing and say, "This is available on my Etsy shop."  Hey, that's surprisingly easy.  :)

Don, who continues to prove what a sweet guy he is, took Vicki to lunch and presented her with a beautiful ring.  This is Vicki's reaction....

Just when I think I've had all I can take of that show, along comes Vicki making a face like above.  Don gave her a ring and she gave us that look.  Win for her, win for us.

Alright, time to address the sun-damaged elephant in the room.  Alexis did have her cooking class/ ladies lunch after all.  Lynne arrived dressed like a PussyCat Doll in an age-inappropriate skin-tight mini-dress and knee-high go-go boots.  Her wild and unkempt hair was a glimpse into what was to come.  Lynne freely chugged champagne and made a couple off remarks about Kegle exercises and her husband being hung.  That's the Lynne I like.  But then it all turned.  Below is Lynne as she commenced her unraveling.

 

As the seated women began to enjoy their lunch, Alexis following her husband's instructions- asked Tamra and Gretchen if they were done with their feud?  My eyes about rolled back in my head and I reached for the remote to fast-forward.  Really, I can't hear anymore of that crap.  Before I could find that remote, Gretchen started in on Lynne and her weak at best parenting style.  "Your daughters crave discipline" Gretchen snapped at Lynne.  Lynne's hair tripled in size and became even more brittle looking as she tried her best to counter with some tongue-tied comebacks.  Her face contorted as she stammered something about her daughter over drah-maaaaaaa-tah-sizeeeeez (took 20 seconds to slur) everything.  Had she snorted an entire bottle of Ambien during the commercial break?  What happened?  As Lynne drunkenly waled, fell apart, and became a wash of howls and scowls- the subtitles rolled.  Poor thing. I kind of felt bad for her as she stammered, "It's fricken hard being a parent in Orange County." 

That's Alexis blankly looking at Lynne during her melt down.  Jim hadn't installed the latest update in her compassion chip so that's the most Alexis could summon.  I think Alexis was calculating the calorie count of her lunch as Lynne lost her shit.  And scribbled on a pad of paper- buy some lotion and conditioner.  The other women tried to console Lynne as she sobbed, "I'm a good mom, I swear.  I swear.  I swear."  But Lynne warned, "Be afraid of (parenting) teenage girls."  At some point the train-wreck fun became really sad and pathetic.  You know, if your kids are saying they want to be grounded and they want discipline and they want their parents to be parents and not their friends--- HELLO!  Do it.  Be it.  Ground them.  Take away their keys.  Forget that- take away their flat-irons, makeup, and skinny jeans and I guarantee they'll act right.  There, problem solved. 

Next week's sneak peak did look good with Jesus Barbie and Vicki going crazy face to crazy face.  Until then......

All these drawings are for sale on my Etsy shop.  Have a look. These four are drawn with archival ink on heavy 9" x 12" sketch book paper.  Shop, shop, shop!

If you've just stumbled on my site, you can click here to get caught up on all my past entries here.

Thanks!

True Blood. The best thing I've read all day.......

"True Blood" fans with a taste for male eye-candy can breathe easy: stars Ryan Kwanten and Sam Trammell promise they'll spend very little time in wardrobe for the show's upcoming third season.

Hallelujah!!!  Read all about it here.

If you like, you can click here to read the few recaps I did of my absolute favorite show.  

That next season can't come soon enough!

The Real Housewives of Orange County. Spray tans, horrible parenting, botox, horrible parenting, tupperware, horrible parenting. Did I miss anything?

Hello again.  Sorry for missing the last two episodes.  All I can say is those couple of shows left me feeling fried and brittle- like most of their hair.  Was it two weeks ago Vicki and Don went to Turds and Cankles to renew their vows?  Don showed what a sweet, kind, and compassionate man he is by crying several times and truly being touched by all of Vicki's efforts.  And his vows to her did get me a little misty-eyed.  I'm a softy too.  But Vicki in her bull-in-a-china-shop manner seemed like she was doing everything for show or more accurately for the show.  Her vows felt like an infomercial for whatever store his ring came from.  "Don, here's the ring I bought for you with Vicki dollars I made from selling Vicki insurance at Coto de Jewelry Caza plaza.  It's located on the corner of Coto and Foreclosure Way right next to the all you can tan and botox salon.  They have free parking and financing with a low interest rate."  Sorry, I'm in a silly mood.  That episode also showed what a sad and lonely relationship Tamra and Simon have/ had and truly reinforced what a giant tool Jim is and what an elongated plastic toy Alexis is.  When they went to their "hip church" and Jim said he lays hands on his wife and his kids everyday, I felt like I needed a gin and holy water cocktail.  He lays hands on her.  Why?  Does he put his hands on her size triple Z implants and shout, "Thank you Jesus!"   He's like Jesus if Jesus was an out of shape douchebag who wore the most cheese ball "cool dad" clothes and was married to a stripper.  Last week's episode is a blur.  So enough with all that..... on to Thursday's show.

From the very first look at holy rollers Jim and Alexis, I knew when the moment was right- Alexis aka Jesus Barbie, would show what a loud, misguided, and emptied-headed trinket she really is.  She's a blow-up doll/ robot for Jesus and for her king which is what she calls Jim.  He's my king so he doesn't have to change a diaper.  He's my king so I don't have to think.  He's my king and he turns my power switch on in the morning and off at night...... So, Gretchen threw a tupperware party hosted by an adorable latin drag queen named Kay Sedia.  By the way, Kay is part of Charlie's Angels drag troupe called Chico's Angels.  :)  Jim, being a self-loathing homosexual, was freaked out by the drag queen and perhaps a tad bit turned on so he kept his distance.  I'm sorry, he has a John Travolta thing.  At some point, a cute woman who looked a bit like Natalie Portman apparently got too close to Jim and the danger, danger- another woman is near my husband alert went off in the Alexis pleasure-bot for Jesus.  And Alexis freaked!  She was a blur of silicone, Grand Ole Opry curls, and nonsense as she went off on the woman.  "He's married", she shouted from her immobile face.  "You don't get close to another woman's husband.  Back off!" 

 

That's Alexis mid-rant.  Her face is as frozen as an ice rink so even as her rage poured freely, she looked completely placid.  Alexis got all up in the other woman's face and continued her mantra: "You stay away from my man!"  The Natalie Portman with a bob look-a-like seemed confused as to why this dumb sh*t was losing her mind and asked calmly if Alexis wanted to step outside.  Not in an I'm gonna cut you bitch kind of way but in a let's not do this retarded sh*t on camera reasonable way.  It then flashed to Alexis in a confessional scene making it seem like the woman wanted to rumble and she asked, "Where are we.... in Jersey?"  Your move Teresa Guidice. 

That's Alexis during her confessional scene.  I had to minimize her boobs to make them fit on this site.

That's a photo I snapped with my phone of Alexis spewing her nonsense.  Jim had to take her outside and hit her reset button as the bitch had lost it.  In case you're wondering, you reset the pleasure-bot for Jesus by squeezing her giant knockers for ten seconds.  You see, when you give all your power away to someone else (her husband), and even call him "my king", and let him always be right and have the final say- eventually you'll lose it.  And lose it over something ridiculous.  Clearly that other woman who said she was there for "mommy time" or something thereabouts didn't want Jim.  He's revolting.  The look on Jim's face as the two were quarreling was like a pig in sh*t.  A big, fat pig with horrible taste in clothes. 

The best part of that whole show, in fact the whole season came from this woman.

When the fight was over that brilliant woman declared, "Can I just say this.... He is not attractive.  Jim is not attractive.  No one is hitting on her husband."  Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha... touchdown!  The show should have ended right there.  She's my queen and I want that woman to lay hands on me.  Cheers to her.  I also snapped this photo as the gals were going at it....

 

That's the cute woman on the right who was the target of Jesus Barbie's misguided rage.  Take a good look at Lynne's face.  The empty, frightened, where am I- look was priceless.  She does though have that expression most of the time.

Guys with iPhones. Painted.

On this chilly and rainy day in Southern California, I decided to spend my afternoon painting a couple guys whose photos I found on the popular site Guys with iPhones.  Seemed like a nice way to stay warm and dry.  Not familiar with that site?  Well.... it's a website where guys post self-portraits photos taken with their iPhones in various stages of dress and undress.  A very simple concept and a very successful site.

 

The photos on there do show a range of ages, races, and builds, but typically it's the buffed-out gym-built guys that fill the pages of that site.  I think that's why the skinny fella with the spiky hair and eyeshadow above jumped out as someone who I wanted to paint.

 

This next guy with his tusk earrings and slight frame also really stood apart from the pack of Abercrombie trophy-studs on the site.  Now don't get me wrong, I do enjoy the Tom Brady looking fellas quite a bit however today and for this posting- I went with these two guys who stood out as not that.  Perhaps the next round of these drawings will be all about the rugby player type.  That would also be a nice afternoon.

So it's with a warning that if you click on the following link, you'll be taken to a very not safe for work site filled with nudity.  You're welcome.  Click on Guys with iPhones to see all about it.  You can also click on the next link to see a previous posting I did with Bunnies taking self-portraits with their camera phones here.

Both paintings are done with ink, pens, watercolor, and pencil on 9" x 12" hot pressed watercolor paper.  Both originals are for sale on my Etsy shop.  Thanks!

Friday Finds.......

Was Jesus Luz's recent interview interesting?  Of course not.  Do I care?  Of course not.  Did I like his photos?  F*%K YEAH!!!!!!  Kenneth In The 212

Want more Jesus Luz photos?  I do!  Oh La La Mag

Welcome back Project Runway!  Blogging Project Runway

Uh-oh!  Teresa Guidice's husband Joe from The Real Housewives of NJ got a DUI. Bravo Fan

Just discovered a fun new blog about design, art, photography, and more.  It's called Ruby Gatta 

Tabatha's Salon Takeover. She can cut with just one look.

I'm a little late to the party that is Tabatha's Salon Takeover.  I'd seen commercials for the show but hadn't taken in an episode until a couple days ago.  I accidentally fell head first into a block of three episodes and when I surfaced, I'd found a new guilty pleasure.  Tabatha arrives at salon which is on the brink of collapse due to glaringly bad management and employees running amuck and within a week makes some drastic changes. She's brutally honest in a way that I think would make Simon Cowell blush.  Being a lover of the Australian accent, I occasionally get charmed by the sound of her voice and drift off.  I'd quickly get jolted back to reality when she'd bark something like, "Pull your head out of your f**king ass!  Are you f**king kidding me?  This is no way to run a business!"  From the few episodes I've seen, there's usually one salon employee that gets all sassy and thinks they can read Tabatha.  But within seconds, Tabatha has reduced them to a sniffling mass of tears and usually rightfully so as that's often the weakest link.  I won't be recapping this show but I really enjoyed drawing Tabatha so you may see more images of her in the future.

I hit pause on my Tivo during a consultation between Tabatha and some clueless salon owner.  That look on her face said it all.

 

That's pencil on 9" x 12" hot pressed watercolor paper.  I used watercolor pencils on her eyes and mouth.  I scanned that drawing into my computer and added some digital coloring.  Here goes....

 
As I'm in an Etsy mode, I have the original drawing and a limited edition of prints available on my Etsy shop.

Thanks!

My 11 year old nephew and his mannequin Martinique

I've been graced with two new photos of the lovely Martinique and couldn't wait to share them with you.  Without further ado.......

Above we have Martinique as a kicky foreign exchange student studying fashion design in Paris.  Oh La La!  When not in class, I imagine she fills her days strolling through the Picasso Museum or Musee Picasso in the fashionable Marais district.  Or perhaps she sips espresso and nibbles pain au chocolat with friends at a trendy outdoor bistro.  I believe my nephew titled this "Sparkly from head to toe."  And I'd respond, "Oui, c'est vrai."

 

That above photo about made my head pop off.  Martinique and my nephew have clearly outdone themselves here.  The short hair/ short dress combo, the blue bow in the hair perfectly echoing the bows on the shoes, and just a pinch of bling is what I'd call genius styling.  Martinique is ready to own the red carpet at the Grammys or be the star at some swank soiree.  Brah-voh!

I was wondering how it is that Martinique seemingly got an entirely brand new wardrobe overnight?  Well, I was just catching up with my sister and she shared a pretty great story with me.  It's one of support, compassion, and $hopping. 

Pretty End Of The Week Links

There's something very right and very sweet about this photo with that adorable guy patting the cat Madonna's holding.  Oh La La Mag

There's also something right about this photo of Ricky Martin holding his son on the beach.  Kenneth In The 212

There's something very wrong with this photo of Rachel Zoe on the beach.  Eat a sandwich for god's sake girl.  PITNB

Tommy Kane has one of my favorite illustration blogs.  I check it everyday.  Tommy Kane

Jonathon Burton has another one of my favorite illustration blogs.  Definitely check him out.  The Unreachable Itch