Pretty On The Outside

The Real Housewives of Orange County. It's a girl's trip.

Typically I scribble down a few thoughts while watching The Real Housewives of Orange County.  Sometimes it's just a sentence or two: That new housewife is a moron and her husband makes Jon Gosselin seem attractive, sometimes a few words: frozen-faced, bad parenting, annoying laugh, full of it, empty, exciting, god I love this show, buy more red wine, and other times I'll write paragraphs.  However much I do jot down, the notes usually end up with a little red wine on them and sometimes, just sometimes, when the show's over, I'll take that piece of paper with those thoughts, fold it in half, fold again, fold again and end up with a paper plane which I sometimes fling in my bf's direction depending on how I feel.  And there you have my process. 

This morning before plopping down in front of my computer to do this posting, I did a pretty thorough search for my notes from this past week's show......  no paper airplanes anywhere..... no wine-soaked pages from my sketchbook (well, none related to that particular episode)....... nothing.  So here I go winging it.....

My sweet Vicki tried to organize a "girl's trip" to Florida.  Girl's only.  But being that Simon and Jim have their wives on extremely short leashes and that they are both as much into the attention as their blond spouses--- they had to go too.  Vicki wasn't happy with that set up but I guess she accepted that they were coming.  Not to be outdone in the attention whoring department, Slade had to show up as well which threw my precious Vicki for too much of a loop and triggered the above reaction.   How are they gonna play Vicki like that? 

That's yet another reaction to Slade's presence at the "girl's trip."  With all five of the cast mates there: Vicki, Gretchen, Alexis a.k.a Jesus Barbie, Tamra, and Lynne, and three of their significant others present--- the girl's trip was now a couple's trip.  Poor Lynne was so heavily medicated from her recent face and neck lifts that I wouldn't really count her as being there.  On the Lynne note, I'm just going to say if I had to have one of these gals as a neighbor, I'd probably want it to be Lynne.  She seems really sweet, non-confrontational, and I'm just guessing that she'd have some great weed.  :)

The Real Housewives of Orange County. Biblical promises and BIG fake tits.

Gretchen began the show looking like Ed Hardy had designed a motorcycle Barbie doll in 1997.  She and Slade were taking a driver's ed class for motorcycle owners, so I guess you'd call that motorcycle ed?  That's not so important..... what I want to say and please don't hold this against me..... but I'm starting to like Gretchen and Slade.  Sure they're both uber attention whores, but as far as that goes--- they're pretty hot together.  I know more than a few of you just threw up on your keyboard and for that I am sorry.  After watching the ultra gross new couple Alexis and Jim now for the last couple weeks and how completely and thoroughly full of shit they are--- it has made Gretchen and Slade seem not so bad.  Get ready to cover your keyboard again but I've been revisited by the image of Slade from a few weeks ago wearing nothing more than just that sock over his junk.  And I kind of like it.  I know it's wrong............ but I do enjoy a hunky man with a beard and a willingness to show off his body.  There's something hot about how desperate for attention he is.  Like he'd give me a lap dance in just that sock if there was a bravo camera crew around.  Attention Andy Cohen: That's my holiday wish.  Not too much to ask for all these damn drawings I've done.  :)

Probably my favorite part of the show was when Gretchen and Alexis a.k.a. Jesus Barbie had a classy ladies lunch at the South Coast Plaza and Alexis wore a dress so tight and so lo-cut that it looked like she was on spring break.  The only thing missing from her look was a beer cozy and a Girls Gone Wild truckers hat.  And she should have been soaking wet.  Here's Jesus Barbie and her ridiculous christian implants. 

Ok, so really quick--- Vicki is trying to arrange a "girls only" trip to Florida.  Gretchen and Slade and Vicki and Donn have the sort of relationships where it's ok for them to travel separately.  Hello, healthy.  So Vicki and Gretchen were fine to go solo. Simon and Tamra and Alexis and Jim, however, can't be apart at all.  Um.... not healthy.  Sorry.  If you can't be away from your partner for a day and not fall apart or cheat then you're pretty f**ked up.  Not sorry.  That's rather lame in my humble opinion.  So back to the classy ladies lunch.....  Gretchen brought up the trip and Alexis started in about how she and her husband were brought together by god and that she's from the midwest and they live their lives by biblical principles and how a man and a woman should be, about how they have the same ideals, and they're both very christian, and on and on and on and on.  What was so fantastic  was during Jesus Barbie's christian marriage diatribe, Gretchen was trying to not laugh.  Then flashed to a confessional scene with Gretchen and she said in the small amount of time she has spent with Jim and Alexis that she wouldn't exactly put them in the category of godly.  Go Gretchen!

With her plunging neck line and frozen face, Jesus Barbie blabbered on about their standards' system and if you let the devil in (temptation) you're flirting with danger.  That it all starts with a thought.....  Then perfectly cued, the show shot to another confessional scene with Gretchen pointing out if you're trying to prevent tempting thoughts, then why would you have your wife with such huge fake boobs parade around in skimpy clothes?  Again, go Gretchen!  I think you may have won me over.

In the most boring segment of the show, Simon, Donn, and Jim did what most men do in Orange County when they want to get away from their wives--- play golf.  And it was about as exciting as well, watching three guys play golf.  Post game, they went to have a drink and it was a great time to showcase what a cheeseball tool Jim is.  When Donn asked him if he liked the La Perla lingerie party, Jim replied, "Everything but being served champagne from a guy in Calvins."  As soon as he said that, it quickly flashed to the cute young male model/ champagne server from said event wearing nothing but a pair of briefs.  It was a jarring juxtaposition to go from that goateed blob of yuck to the fit young model.  Someone should have asked that model if he liked the party and hopefully his answer would have been, "Everything except that shapeless nerdy goatee douche with the Jesus Barbie."  By the way, how did Jim know the guy was wearing Calvins?  Me thinks Jim was looking a little too long.  Hmmmmmm....  Actually, ick!

Lynne got a new head.  Here she is after having her bandages removed post face-lift and neck-lift.

I've got a thing for plastic surgery so I think Lynne looks great now.  She really does.  And she seems happy.  It's a simple lesson here: plastic surgery makes your life better.  You go Lynne with your new head!

Check out my new ETSY shop

Hope you'll all take a moment to have a look at the shop I just set up on Etsy.

 

It's loaded with original Tivo line drawings from all The Real Housewives series, Project Runway, Millionaire Match Maker, True Blood, and some non-TV related original artwork which has also appeared on this site.  I still have more items which I'll be adding over time but there's plenty to pick from at the moment.  You do have to be an Etsy member in order to purchase work..... please don't groan, it's quick and painless to sign up.  Feel free to shop, shop, shop, at my new shop where all items are originals.  Tis the season after all.

Thanks to all who have purchased my work in the past and thanks in advance to all of you future collectors.

The Real Housewives of Orange County. Living the dream or the cliche?

Oh dear......This show is beginning to turn my stomach.  Sad to type that but it's true.  The Housewife franchise started simply enough with a bunch of McMansion-dwelling new-money attention-starved gals showcasing their "fabulous" lives and really trying to come off as though they had it going on.  Right?  Well, when the real estate market/ economy went over a cliff some time ago, it took a season or two but these women seemingly got the memo that bragging endless about their pampered lives was no longer such a good idea.  Or believable.  The latest blond and her oh my god he's gross husband to be added to the cast are definitely a return to that initial model.  I guess that makes them retro?

 

That's Alexis and maybe she's a decent person? Or maybe she's an empty-headed narcissist who married a cigar-smoking cheese ball in a pitted out satin shirt for the money?  As she stated during a confessional scene--- she has the kind of life she always wanted being able to buy $1,500 shoes.  Or maybe God brought them together as they declared he's #1 in their lives?  Hmmmmm......  During their lunch, Alexis was babbling on about how her face needs a lot of attention, she needs to take care of her hair and nails, she has to make time to workout and tan, and then there are the kids...... Exhausting!  Someone get her a cold drink.  Having to tan and then take a spinning class while your nanny watches the kids must be an unimaginable burden.

Fashion flair from the five year old son of a reader

My heart was so warmed by the sweetest email which I received while I was away.  A reader felt a connection to the postings of my 10 year old nephew and his mannequin muse Martinique.  That reader, who I'll call K, has a five year old son with a similar affinity towards glamor.  She nicely shared some stories of her son and some fantastic photos of his work. 

 

Above is the first image I was sent.  How could a five year old make that I wondered?  Well, according to K he makes his designs out of remnants, cuts a hole where he thinks the head should go, and finishes the outfit with tape.  He made it work!  I wanna high five the little guy and give a giant hug to K.  That's an A+ of an outfit if I've ever seen one.  And there's more......

 

In K's words: I attached his first ever creation which he made with a pillow case, markers, scissors, and tape. Couple of things to note: he cut the collar to be a V neck, the way the seam is placed it looks like the dress is cut on the bias (gasp) and then he drew in ruching detail all the way down the back.

Snap snap!  At five he did all this.  It's just too good to be true. K is blazing the same sort of trail that my sister and her husband are--- which means her son is allowed to let his creativity bloom without any limits.  I'm just really at a lose for words right now looking over these photos and rereading the proud emails this woman sent.  

Thank you K for sending me these photos and sharing your story.  You're raising a talented son and you should be very proud. 

Happy early Birthday to my nephew

I just had a gigantic brain fart.   I thought today was my nephew's birthday.  You know, my nephew who has a flair for glamor.  Turns out I haven't completely lost my mind, just partially.  Today's the 3rd and his birthday isn't until the 30th.  Done in by 3s!  Sadly, I've never had a head for numbers.  Before I realized my blunder, I was creating this side by side image with two recent photos my nephew sent me.  I was going to turn it into a birthday card, but I figured out my goof midway through.  So instead I'll just feature the dazzling stylings of my still 10 year old nephew.  Typically with the sort of layout below I would be asking you to choose which outfit you like best.  Clearly both of these are winning looks!

 

On the left we have his "Rock Star" look as he titled it in his email.  The image on the right came in with the title "An afternoon of shopping." 

It's just too good!

Happy early birthday my talented nephew.

The Real Housewives of Orange County. Boob jobs, jealousy, and God.

It all started so innocently--- a little less than three years ago while flipping through the channels I stumbled across a frozen-faced pig-nosed woman going on and on and on about nothing.  I stood motionless as the bleached, botoxed, big fake-boobied woman in an age-inappropriate outfit was talking crap about another woman and I felt like I had just tasted the forbidden fruit.  And I knew my TV viewing life would never be the same. That show was The Real Housewives of Orange County and the woman droning on and on was Vicki Gunvalson.  Hello my new muse!  I hit pause on my TIVO, grabbed a pen and sketchbook, and the rest is cabernet soaked history.  I had no idea at that point the cast of lunatics who'd follow from the other shows: Danielle, The Countess, NeNe, Kim, SheRee, and my other favorite, Ramona.  Bless you Bravo.  Expect a Christmas card.

My all consuming love for this particular show however is fading a bit.  That OC posse from three years ago is all but gone now.  Sadly no more Lauri, not sadly no more Jo, no more Tammy, or that other blond who moved to Chicago.  Kimberly I think her name was.  And as of this next episode, no more Jeanna which in turn means no more of her hot yet terribly rude son Shane.  That f**ker is sexy as hell and I'll miss him more than any of the housewives, but I digress.  So all we have left is Vicki and rightfully so... she's going down with the ship.  In place of that original cast we now have a stable of unstable gals.  To be honest, my love tank is being depleted by that new bird and her husband.  Anyone else getting the creeps from them?

 

I did the above drawing of the latest housewife Alexis in about five minutes as that was all I could take.  I know I didn't fully capture her, but it was more about her ridiculous fake tits and her prized Orange County blond mane.  She seems nice enough so far but my guess is she'll be the worst one yet.  Call it my woman's intuition.

 

That's her husband Jim who looks like John Travolta after a "boys weekend" on Fire Island.  I think what's giving me the skeeves about this couple is that they listed the structure of their lives which is: #1. God,  #2. Their marriage, and #3. Their children.  I'm going to tweak that a bit and say their priorities are: #1. Being on TV, #2. Her gigantic tits, and then maybe the rest of what they said.  Jim said they are "traditional in the moral fiber in which they conduct themselves" which scares me to my core.  Maybe I'm overreacting but I got a yikes, scary, he's really controlling vibe from him.  I guess we'll just see what happens with them....