The Real Housewives of New Jersey. Pay attention puh-lease!

I've got a fever for the Real Housewives franchise......

 

.....and there ain't no cure.

No matter the city or county.... no matter how crazy (Ramona, Vicki, Kim, Danielle, & Kelly) or boring (Lynne & DeShawn) or breath taking fabulous (NeNe) or full of it (the Countess & Gretchen) the ladies may be...... I'm powerless to resist watching.  As long as Bravo has a show called The Real Housewives of ______, I certainly will be hooked.  This latest offering, The Real Housewives of New Jersey, I thought all and all was pretty good.  The gals for the most part are likable which could have easily been dullsville for the viewers.  Fortunately Bravo had found a gloriously uneven hellcat named Danielle who single-handedly made this show entertaining.  When she admitted early in last's night finale episode that some 25 years ago she used to strip, changed her name, and had been arrested--- I fell a little bit more in love with her.  I fell in love through my TV which is healthy, right? 

The finale episode bounced along calmly until we finally arrived at the dinner party arranged by the recently bubbie-enhanced Teresa.  It was a classy soiree Teresa the black onyx princess presided over as she went on about her and her husband Joe's active sex life and how sore she was.  I actually got a little acid reflux thinking about that.  Teresa bitched that Joe even wanted to do it on the drive home after her boob job. Danielle the man pleaser acted like that was a reasonable request as she pointed out to Teresa that a boob job wouldn't make her be sore below the waist.  Teresa didn't understand.  Then out of the blue--- BAM!--- Danielle placed "the Book" on the table aimed at a 45 degree angle towards Dinah who she believed was the one who brought it to everyone's attention.  Silence!  And I almost sobered up for moment.  Those at the table who could raise their eyebrows did.  Danielle's eyebrows are permanently raised thanks to her surgeon.  By the other housewife's shocked expressions you'd have thought that Danielle had pulled the book out of her kooch.  Teresa in a confused flurry tried to stammer out some nonsense, but Caroline jumped in to referee.  "Let 'er twalk", Caroline shouted as Danielle began to defend herself. 

There were two truths in that book according to Danielle.  One, she had been arrested and Two, that she'd changed her name.  But what was the bigger issue is how this book written by her ex husband had gotten out.  ???? Had it been spread around by Dinah as Danielle alleged.  Dinah denied this.  Teresa tried to butt in but Caroline wasn't allowing it.  Then they all started yelling and at some point Caroline said she was the one who brought "the Book" into the hair salon where they all go.  Jackie said that actually Dinah showed it to her, which I think Dinah denied.  It was a little confusing when they were all yelling at each and I had also just poured myself a third glass of wine and discovered a dark chocolate bar in my pantry.  Teresa finally got a confused couple of words out and Danielle countered, "Pay attention puh-lease!"  It took Teresa a few moments to realize that Danielle had dissed her.  There's a lot going on in that head.  So what did Teresa do?  Well she and her implants went from huh, what to full blown bat sh*t crazy in three seconds.  "Prostitution whore" and "engaged 19 times?" came flying out of Teresa's mouth as her eyes tripled in size causing her eyebrows to move up half an inch and merge with her hairline.  This synergy gave her superhero kind of strength which she used to knock over the table at her own classy soiree.  I thought that Joe was going to drizzle Danielle and Teresa with some hot olive oil and let those two wrestle it out.  Hot oil wrestling is always a good way to solve a problem. 

Jackie's husband Chris who is the brother of Caroline and Jackie said "Enough."  And just like that, it was over.  I like that guy even though it would have been nice to see Teresa and Danielle fight a little more. 

So there you have.  I think the finale posed more questions than were asked.  Hope they'll be back for another season as I do like them.  Until we meet again NJ Housewives..........

W Magazine Online has a beauty special on the gals.  Click here to read about their unreal beauty.

If you enjoy looking at my drawings online, the next step would be having one or two or three in your home.  Interested?  Click on over to my etsy shop and take a gander.  And your credit card.  :)  Much appreciated!

Comments

[angie]

did ya see the final moment when caroline told jackie that the one hurt by this was her parents? jackie showed disloyality to the clan by speaking the truth, not a popular move.

curious to see what the directors cut shows.

when teresa realized she was being talked down to and her face went blank you could see the wheels turning like "what can i do to top all of this".

funny episode and very funny recap!
btw, i hate those kids on ny prep

[wickedorchid]

D- Listed has just announced a sex tape with Danielle and her Benjamin Button type aged 26 year old. We can only hope that he looks better from the waist down.

[mimi]

awesomely written!

[Bryan]

I cant think of anything better to say so as Angie said, lets let Michael K say his piece and then please read what Gawker had to say, they have some HYSTERICAL nick names for the New Jersey woman

Danielle: Old Garbanzo
Caroline: Strega Nona

http://www.dlisted.com/node/32574

http://gawker.com/5293994/real-housewives-of-new-jersey-you-wouldnt-like-teresa-when-shes-angry?skyline=true&s=x

Along with Cute David Gilmore's always incredibly funny drawings and commentary it makes for some fun reading

[Lorri]

I'm addicted to your recap! I know it's late in the week, but the Real Housewives have been co-hosting the third hour of the Today show with Hoda this week. They've had Betheny (sp?), Danielle and NeNe so far. Tomorrow is one of the Orange County girls.......I can't wait!

[atdleft]

Who knew Danielle would become my unlikely heroine? I must admit, I started to sympathize with her as the other ladies started badmouthing her behind her back. "Come on", I'd tell myself, "you can't root for the shady lady with the police history!" And when she slammed "Delicious & Juicy" Joe after his homophobic slurs, I just had to jump into Team Danielle.

At some point, the Manzo clan should have gone directly to Danielle and ask for her side of the story before they started spreading rumors all over Franklin Lakes. Jacqui did the right thing in speaking the truth at "The Last Supper", and hopefully the rest of the family won't always hold that against her.

Ok, enough of my rant. Great job again, Gilmore! And everyone else, it was so much fun watching RHoNJ with all of you! But with the show over, what will we do until the HOTlanta ladies return? Maybe we can get Gilmore to draw the "Charm School" girls at VH1? ;-)

[Bryan]

Old Garbanzo is no heroine!!!! What rumors, the book is public domain, its been out for years. Also if its full of lies why didnt Garbanzo sue her ex-husbands ass?

Garbanzo can jump on P-fester Hilton band wagon and try to be friend to the rest of us boys, to me, she's a skank, even before this book nonsense. She's rude, Lazy, Horny, and Dumb, she has two kids, get a job, stop crusing the jersey streets and internet looking for Dick with Dollar signs on it.

But she does make good TV, I cant wait to get a load of the porn tape!

[Wendy]

The episode was great. It just needed a little more cowbell ;o)

[Borg Queen]

I must admit I too am addicted to the RH series (except for Atlanta). This season was way 2 short but the finale & the reunion shows are the best part of the series.

I love how a housewarming did not take place in the Theresa's house. I died when she flipped the table. At least she had the sense to tell her kids to leave the room b4 flipping out. Can you believe how Danielle came out looking better than the Manzo sisters. Oh the best part is when Dina Manzo is bragging about Bernie Kerik who we all now know is a crook and just got sentence for perjury and other things. Dina is so worried about Danielle's past but she has other friends which shady pasts that Dina investigate better.

[Petite Maoiste]

I will be feeling so sad when we go into the Housewives franchise hiatus, your posts are the best thing about the series!!! LoL.

[Bryan]

Old Garbanzo's got a new weave to go with her sex tape, check her out on P-Rez's blog

http://perezhilton.com/2009-06-18-a-real-housewife-has-some-real-freaky-sex-tapes

[I'm ashamed I love this show]

Jackie's husband Chris is the the Whore Whisperer. One 'enough!' from his lips, and skanks just stop what they are doing and avoid eye contact.

Bravo, sign him up like yesterday. I smell a spin off (and just a hint of Jovan Musk for Men)!

[Lynn]

for a minute, i thought teresa's husband would rupture her implants when he had to forceably hold her back. her comment at the
end, " i think of myself as a classy lady,"
cracked me up! you may need to rethink that, honey. danielle, with that catty smirk, gets on my nerves. she took such pleasure from flopping that book on the table, it made me want to slap her! i don't feel like she's a victim, i think she's lovin' every minute of it.

[Jill]

I wish I could have understood absolutely everything Teresa had said. I must have rewinded it 5 times. I've never seen anything like it...my life is VERY calm compared to this!

[Rene - Chino, CA]

Gilmore- howdy from far out east.

Was I the only one stuck on Dina's look throughout the dinner party.
She looked like a cheap Hedwig knock off and she just might have an angry inch /itch somewhere.She has been a half truth & liar throughout the show.
If you really want to see some Tortilla throwing bat shit women I suggest that Bravo dare look into the Real housewives of East LA (I have family there) this dinner party could not compare to stuff that went down at the adult tables of toddlers birthday parties!
Danielle's daughters are beautiful in a CK king of way.

I will add Danielle to my favorites list.
That woman can stir it up bake and make you eat it whole!!

[PJ]

This has GOT to be the best Housewives finale yet! Cannot wait for the reunion! Hands down, my fave part was Teresa and her hairline flipping out for absolutely no reason as she proclaims how much of a classy woman she is. Genius Bravo...pure genius!

[Blisterina]

Oooo, dark chocolate!

Poor Teresa and that hairline -- what's she gonna do when it's browlift time?

Thanks for 'nother swell season of Housewifery, Gilmore!

[Birdy]

Actually....she might just have snatched the book outta her....because no way did she bring it to the restaurant in that itty bitty clutch she was carrying. Anyway, Danielle must be the only one in the world who doesn't know that the story came out in the Star - her ex blabbed - so anyone who ever stood on line at a grocery store knew about it within a day - and then it made every website under the sun - so the rest of us knew about it within 24 hours. Gawker or someone actually copied the pages about Garbanzo, so what the eff diff does it make if someone later saw the actual effing book?

[Blisterina]

Oh, and I have to second Rene's suggestion of Real Housewives of East L.A. (homegirl!), where toddlers' parties are not toddlers' parties without the Negro Modelo.

[maggie]

Each time I see Caroline on screen I think she looks like she has BO, garlic BO, gross I know. I have no idea why I think this about her I just do.
Danielle does shine, I really like her. I would love if Bravo sent her to the OC for one season. Danielle and Vicki that would be priceless.

[Carol]

You can view Tommy and Dina Manzo's wedding on VH1's "My Big Fat Fabulous Wedding"
Search "Tommy and Dina Manzo Wedding"

[fairmaiden327]

...the comments on here are as funny as that show.

Someone please do an investigation as to how they earn this money.

No one pays in cash for things.

I smell the FBI in a few episodes to come.

[Beth]

ONe thought on Teresa's outburst.. "Fab-u-lous!"....

And thank God you said something about her hairline.. I thought I was the only one who noticed..

[Honey]

Gilmore ... Thank you! You made this season so fun! I look forward to your recaps so stinkin much!

These Women are VILE. Period. I do not understand how anyone can think for a moment that Danielle is ok ... she is a mess and frankly if you want to bury your past and protect your daughters ... don't sign up to do a reality tv show. Those poor girls ... how many men have come or cum into their home with that skank and she says the men let THEM down!!! Who would expose girls to all of those men in this day & age! She is a total cracker jack. Yes, she put Theresa's Husband in his greasy "gay"place but ... come on guys ... she is a disgrace.

Carol ... you are soooo right about the cash thing. The mean side of me can't wait for that to all come crumbling down. 100,000 in furniture ... IN CASH! Come on! IT's sick to see the sense of entitlement their daughter has. I don't care how many giant flower bows you plop on those kids heads ... you are creating little monsters.

I wish I could have been at the table with Carol. Who is she, the Godmother? I would have laughed myself 6 ft under a pile of cement!

Bryan ... the funniest comment ever made ... THE WHORE WHISPERER! That my friends is some FUNNY stuff! Jackie did do the right thing by saying the truth but she is a total idiot to remain friends with Danielle. Why does Danielle want to be her friend so bad? She reminds me of the type of woman who every few years has a new best friend. She wears the shit out of one & moves onto the next ... never holding onto to anyone.

This was my least favorite season because I could identify with these women. Growing up I would spend some summers at the jersey shore and I would see so many of these types of bimbos. It's like they plucked the women & their husbands out of the clubs I remember and placed them on Bravo. Shiver. I found nothing nice or interesting about them then ... less now.

[Miss P]

I have to agree with "Birdy", I too noticed what Danielle was carrying when she arrived at the restaurant (actually after the "Director's Cut" they showed her leaving her house and all she had was that small clutch bag). No way that the book would have fit in there. So who "planted" it in the restaurant - producers, maybe???

Also, as far as Teresa's "look" after Danielle made the comment about her paying attention. If you look at the bottom left of the screen you can actually see that Danielle is talking (her head is moving) while looking at Teresa. So Teresa is not struck dumb by her comment so much as it was edited that way.

But I still love this Jersey girls segment best of all the RH's.

[SARAH]

I hate Caroline. Besides, Danielle being a little whacko. Caroline is a big, fat trouble starter. She has been a bully. All the other women are afraid of her and its sick. She tells the media "Bring it on." Real nice. No mafia connection????? I'm italian and these women bring a disgrace to my kind. I've always heard NJ was dirty and trashy. These women are dirty and trashy. They need to get a life... and so do I for watching them

[MelodyG]

That cartoon does not do Teresa justice - she's much uglier on TV.

[Paige]

The two sisters are Caroline and Dina (no H). Chris is the brother of Caroline and Dina... not Jackie (who is his wife). Although it might have been even more interesting if Chris was married to his sister.