I drew Patti with an i Stanger several times last year, however this season..... ah.... I just couldn't bring myself to sketch her. More accurately, I couldn't listen to her advice. She's not so much dispensing pearls of wisdom to charming suitors as she is barking out commands to cheesy douche-bags. To the millionaire men: You need a chin implant! You're wearing too much jewelry! Don't pee in front of the women on your first date! To the herd of gals she assembles to parade in front of the millionaires, it's all about turning up the skank volume while minimizing self worth. Wear a push-up bra! Get a spray tan! Straighten your hair! Bleach your teeth! Wear a mini skirt! Wear high heels! Don't talk! Patti's abrasiveness most certainly would give the etiquette authority Countess Luann Delesseps a stroke. Mon Dieu!
I have been occasionally watching the show this season as that train wreck fascination creeps over when I see my TIVO has recorded it. TIVO, why do you tempt me so? Knowing last night's Millionaire Matchmaker, which was the second season's finale, had it's first ever gay millionaire--- I had to watch! What kinds of questions would Patti ask the potential pool of gay bachelors? Do you have a gag reflex? Are you a size queen? Have you ever been in a sling? Would she tell the pool of guys to do 25 push-ups and fluff to a state of semi-arousal before meeting the gay millionaire? Would she demand that the gay millionaire not lisp or do too many limp wristed hand gestures? So many questions, so many stupid stereotypes........
Patti who as she said last night LOVES the gays went to the most expected lowest line of questioning. She asked about going to bath houses. Which are those even around anymore? She of course asked the "are you a top or bottom" question. While on that line of questioning, I was wondering how she'd introduce her gay date potentials to the bachelor? "Gay millionaire, I've assembled a chorus line of pillow-biting, asses to the ceiling, power-bottoms for your plowing pleasure." Or on the flip side..... "Gay millionaire, I've corralled a stable of horse hung stallions who are going to stampede your ass. Lube it up."
Patti wondered how her rule of no sex until in a monogamous relationship would go over in the gay world. Honestly I wondered that too. I don't presume to speak for the gay community--- far from it. For me though, I'm more of a seal the deal by the second date type. I haven't been single in a long, long, long time though so I can't imagine what my waiting period would be like now? Maybe Patti's onto something? Or maybe she's just pedaling really tired, useless, meaningless bs?
That's the gay millionaire. He seemed like a decent enough guy I suppose. The dude he picked for his date also seemed like a decent guy. Did they find true love? Will they wait until they're in a long-term monogamous relationship to play hide the salami? Will that gay millionaire ever allow his gray hairs to show? Will Patti be back for a third season? Am I about to go take a Vicodin and look at some on-line porn? Will I stop asking questions? ?????????????????
After I drew Patti last night, I decided to give her a spray tan and punch up her makeup. What's good for the goose is good for the matchmaker? Right?
One more for the road. This is my favorite drawing of her from last season.........
Bye for now.
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