Pretty On The Outside

Gods of Football: The Making of the 2009 Calender.

It's not my birthday.  It's not Christmas or Valentine's Day either yet I just received the most stunning gift.  Opening my email, I was greeted with images from the 2009 Gods of Football Campaign. 

Mon dieu!  After a minor seizure and a slew of filthy scenarios played out in my head, I composed myself long enough to compose this posting.  If you have a problem with perfectly-formed naked men then read no further.  And perhaps see a doctor.  If you're like me and you live for that kind of thing then please follow the link.  You're welcome in advance.

Danielle Staub's new mugshot?

Riddle me this..... Why would a former coked-up stripper who was once involved in kidnapping and extortion go on a reality TV show where she actively presents herself as a horny, desperate and divorced MILF on a quest for someone to take financial care of her and her two children?  Could it be that she's an attention starved lunatic?  It was clear from the first time we saw Danielle on The Real Housewives of New Jersey that Bravo had outdone themselves.  I hope whoever works in the casting department for Bravo got a fat raise for finding such a fully developed loose canyon.  
So there's a book called "Cop Without A Badge" which chronicles the exploits of Danielle who, apparently back in her coke filled days, went by the name Beverly Merrill.  You can almost hear the sleazy dj's voice coming through the speaker system at whatever divey New Jersey lap dance/ titty bar she worked at...... Next on stage, we have Beverly.  This is a classy one guys so make sure you tip her with more than just quarters. 
I personally don't have a problem with her colorful past.  We've all done shit that we're not proud of.  Ok, Ok.... the kidnapping part is definitely beyond.  I, for one though, can forgive her for her past mistakes.  Coke is an evil mistress.  But my bigger issue is the kind of guys she's presently involved with on the show.  First we have her two year phone-sex relationship with a guy she only knew as "Gucci Model".  Then she, currently 45, moved unto a 26 year old guy who is cheesier, greasier, chunkier, and balder than the law should allow at that age.  So for her horrible dating selections and for that fact that she's proudly flaunting these terrible choices at us via Bravo--- I am making a citizen's arrest.  I charge her with bad taste in men and I'm booking her for exposing her children and the viewing audience to her unforgivable and unacceptable choices.  Here's her new mugshot.

Lovely Links

The Really Unstable Housewife of New Jersey.  Gawker

So You Think You Can Dance cutie.  TwitPic via Oh La La Mag

I can not wait for the return of True Blood!  Here's a sneak peak. La Rag Mag

Britney has a new perfume.  Is the joke on us or her?  Omg Blog

Big numbers for Jon and Kate.  Huffington Post

Hugh Jackman and Daniel Craig's new play.

I've been out of town for the last week and half working on a project.  While away, I ended up taking that time off from looking at blogs.  A brief break.  This afternoon I decided to do a little peaking around and the first story I read was a HUGE welcome back to the blog-o-sphere.  Turns out Hugh Jackman and Daniel Craig will be co-starring in a Broadway play titled A Steady Rain as cops who moonlight as gay strippers.  Be still my beating nightstick. 

The Real Housewives of New Jersey.

Hello again.  I really didn't mean to disappear for so long.  I've been back on that same project out in the desert for the last week where I had my recent injury mishap.  The project is going well, I haven't yet and plan to not fall off another ladder, and I should be all done in a few more days.  So enough about that and on the main event... The Real Housewives of New Jersey! 
As Countess Luann said in the first of the two-part reunion shows, "When one door closes, another one opens." And you know what, Miss Etiquette was correct.  As the door to the NY Housewive's season slammed shut, the door to the New Jersey Housewives flung wide open.  I must confess that I've only seen that very first episode.  The second one is tivo'd and waiting for me at home.  That first show was basically everything we saw in the 30 minute sneak peak with a few extras. 
This is Danielle and she's my favorite.

The Real Housewives of New York City. Season two reunion show.

With all the cat fighting, mishaps, personality conflicts, and drama that this past season of The Real Housewives of NYC contained-- I knew the reunion show would be monumental.  And it sure was!  So big in fact that it has to be a two part-er.  Last night's first part was sooooooo good oh my god and I think I speak for everyone who watched when I say Thursday's second half can not come soon enough.  I actually think that Bravo missed a huge opportunity with the conclusion of the reunion show.  The first half airing on TV was good, but the second half should have be released this Friday in movie theaters.  In IMAX no less!  And with an R rating.  You know there were a lot of "f" bombs that got deleted from the show.  How brilliant would it be to watch Ramona's spastic responses on a 30 ft screen?  I would have been the first in line to buy a ticket.  But I digress.....
No matter wherever the city: Atlanta, NYC, or the OC, there are a few things we've come to expect from these reunion shows.  There will be awkward confrontations, dramatic revelations, tears both genuine and crocodile shed, voices raised, eyes rolled, fingers pointed, and some genuine reflective moments shared.  Guiding the ladies and us through these shows is the calm, cool, and collected voice of reason known as Andy Cohen, the SVP of original programming and development for Bravo.  He's the eye of the storm and no matter how crazy or emotional the situation becomes, he always remains focused and on point.  And he's easy on the eyes too! 

Friday finds......

Fashion Show.  Did you watch?  Will you watch?  Gawker

If I had an ad campaign, I'd hire this model.  Oh La La Mag

Sasha Baron Cohen bleached his bits and pieces and couldn't sit for three days.  Dlisted

Images and musings from a talented illustrator in Brooklyn.  Blog Fancy

Daisy De La Hoya is the swine flu.  La Rag Mag

If you're watching Make Me A Supermodel, you'll want to read this.  David Dust

The Millionaire Matchmaker season two finale. Bye for now Patti Stanger.

I drew Patti with an i Stanger several times last year, however this season..... ah.... I just couldn't bring myself to sketch her.  More accurately, I couldn't listen to her advice.  She's not so much dispensing pearls of wisdom to charming suitors as she is barking out commands to cheesy douche-bags.  To the millionaire men:  You need a chin implant!  You're wearing too much jewelry!  Don't pee in front of the women on your first date!  To the herd of gals she assembles to parade in front of the millionaires, it's all about turning up the skank volume while minimizing self worth.  Wear a push-up bra!  Get a spray tan!  Straighten your hair!  Bleach your teeth!  Wear a mini skirt!  Wear high heels!  Don't talk!  Patti's abrasiveness most certainly would give the etiquette authority Countess Luann Delesseps a stroke.  Mon Dieu!
I have been occasionally watching the show this season as that train wreck fascination creeps over when I see my TIVO has recorded it.  TIVO, why do you tempt me so?  Knowing last night's Millionaire Matchmaker, which was the second season's finale, had it's first ever gay millionaire--- I had to watch!  What kinds of questions would Patti ask the potential pool of gay bachelors?  Do you have a gag reflex?  Are you a size queen?  Have you ever been in a sling?  Would she tell the pool of guys to do 25 push-ups and fluff to a state of semi-arousal before meeting the gay millionaire?  Would she demand that the gay millionaire not lisp or do too many limp wristed hand gestures?  So many questions, so many stupid stereotypes........ 

The Real Housewives of New York City. Goodbye Season Two.

So...... I didn't cover last week's episode.  As I posted earlier, I had a week long project in Palm Springs which was cut short by a little accident.  I'll try and be brief, but this is what happened.  I was up on a six foot ladder, holding something in each hand and while pivoting on one foot (not smart) I was just about to hop down onto a stone counter top when the ladder quickly fell towards the wall and I came crashing down.  Specifically I hit the corner of that stone surface with my right arm about half an inch above my elbow and my right lower rib cage.  OUCH!  I went to the ER and fortunately nothing was broken.  Thank goodness as I've been told by friends who've broken ribs that that's one of the worst pains imaginable.  The fall left me with bruised ribs and a good size chunk of skin gone from my arm.  A friend who does special effects makeup asked that I send him a photo of the wound for reference material.  I snapped and sent a picture and he quickly responded, "Gross!"  Thanks friend.  :)  There in the ER, a nurse shot me up with three seriously strong drugs and the doctor prescribed a pharmacy's worth of pain medicine and instructed that I lay down for four days and thereafter to take it very easy for at least a week at which point I can slowly resume normal activities.  Those first several days were a Vicodin blur which is when I watched last week's show.  In my highly medicated state, I felt closer to Kelly than ever before.  Am I saying that Kelly's on pills?  Possibly.  Or more likely she occasionally does coke.  Specifically when she had that first fight with Bethenny which she later didn't remember certain things she'd said (hello black-out rage-filled crazy!), during her Halloween party that she was hours late for (hello coke!), when she and Max were having the pillow fight in Zarin fabrics (hello not a three year old!), and when she was having cocktails with the CoUNTess and the CoUNTess's nieces (hello weird letting your hair down and slowly shaking your head from side to side like in a shampoo commercial).  I have no proof she does coke, but I have my certainty.  (That's an altered line delivered by Meryl Steep from Proof.)  I think a recreational coke habit would explain Kelly's erratic behavior, but what do I know?  I'm not a drug counselor or a pharmacist. 
So....... after last week's show ended, I popped another pill and forgot most of what I'd just watched.  What I did remember is that Bethenny's hair dresser Francky is a little hottie!  And so is his friend that he set Bethenny up on a date with.  Bethenny wore a really snug-fitting sexy dress on that date, which looked great on her.  The whole time she was talking to the fine french man I thought that if I was her, had that body, and was sitting across from such a gorgeous guy--- that I'd slowly, discretely, yet determinedly begin inching my dress up until it was completely off.  I wouldn't act like is was even happening.  Every time I laughed or gestured, I'd pull my dress up a bit.  Would I be wearing underwear?  Of course not.  At the point when my dress would be completely off, I'd hope that my fine french dreamboat would offer me his shirt and pants to cover up.  And then the fun would begin......
So........ last night's finale episode was really focused on Jill's arthritis charity event.  The show started with the ladies have a planning meeting about said event when a rabid Ramona arrived late.  She was in a frenzy about product placement/ endorsements from sponsors and pulled out a Dwight Eubanks phrase and called it "DeClasse" to promote one's product at such an event.  Here's my sweet, sweet Ramona during one of her confessional scenes.

 

The Edies of Grey Gardens

Hello again.  As the result of a minor accident a few days ago, I'm currently on a little bed rest and also on a little Vicodin.  Yes, I'm all pilled up at the moment so please forgive me if this posting has the loopy sensibility of a Paula Abdul- American Idol critique.  I'll explain my mishap more in the next Real Housewife recap, but for now, I would simply like to share a couple drawings of the ladies from Grey Gardens.  My very nice and dare I say quite handsome reader Joe commissioned me to do an ink drawing of each of the Edies for his very nice and dare I say quite handsome partner Rick's birthday.  Joe asked that I draw the actual women, not Drew Barrymore or Jessica Lange.

That's the real Edith "Little Edie" Bouvier Beale.  I had set my TIVO to record the 1975 documentary and the '09 HBO version which aired on the same night.  I'm not sure if I messed up or if my TIVO was simply being a prankster as it recorded the '75 documentary in Spanish. ????  Sadly, I don't hablo espanol so I still haven't seen the original.  I did however watch the recent HBO, Drew Barrymore and Jessica Lange release and Lord have mercy--- those gals were bat shit crazy, yet lovable.  It was fascinating seeing how that elegant mother and daughter who at one time held so much promise ended up living such reclusive lives in that previously gorgeous house.  As the years went on, that home Grey Gardens became basically a landfill of antiques and filth.  Raccoons crawling over piles of garage throughout the home, cats peeing everywhere, and the walls rotting away.......  It's also hard imagining being one of their neighbors.  Being down-wind of that in the summer must have been beyond gross.   

That's the real Edith "Big Edie" Ewing Bouvier Beale.  Everyday I scour through my TIVO's guide preview in hopes of catching a re-airing of that 1975 documentary and when I do finally find it, fingers crossed that it records in English.

Thanks Joe for having me draw these and a Happy Happy Birthday to you Rick!

Both drawings are ink on hot pressed watercolor paper.  Please click to enlarge.

If you enjoy looking at my drawings online, the next step would be having one or two or three in your home.  Interested?  Click on over to my etsy shop and take a gander.  And your credit card.  :)  Much appreciated!