The Real Housewives of New York City. I'll have what they're selling.

Last night while waiting for my guy to return from his massage, I inflated our 10ft x 3ft pool (just like Simon and Alex's) and filled it with Cabernet.  So luxurious.  I splashed around in it as I watched the clock close in on 9pm. My little buddy finally got home and we started our evening of reality TV viewing with American Idol.  Yawn, except for Adam.  As Lil Rounds began her slow and deliberate assault on "The Rose", I submerged my entire head in the red wine filled pool and slowly drank until all the fluid was gone.  And the song was over.  With the audio atrocity that is American Idol finally finished, it was time to say hi to The Real Housewives of NYC.  Make that slur hi as I was fairly tanked by that time.
Even in my red wine induced haze, it was clear from the jump that last night's episode was all about those ladies selling their goods.  I was so moved and drunk that I got out my credit card and ordered everything those east coast business ladies were pedaling.
 

That's me, sort of.  I have a long- Celine Dion-ish shape to my face, and plenty of gray hairs. Yes, I do have a big nose but in the gay community that's not necessarily a bad thing. 

So here's what I ordered:

Ramona's Tru Crazy or Truly Nuts or True That I'm BonKers skin care line has given her the wrinkle free appearance of a woman half her age. ???  I'm afraid that her skin cream contains trace elements of insanity inducing agents such as lead paint from China, titanium, and crack cocaine.  I ordered two bottles.

Bethenny's Bethenny Bakes Cupcakes looked pretty yummy.  I thought her grocery store appearance was rather amusing.  I like Bethenny but she was exuding all the warmth of a Soloflex machine while trying to give away her baked goods.  I ordered a dozen cupcakes and two dozen cookies.

Luann's I'm a CoUNTess book seems truly ridiculous, especially as her husband has been sticking it to an Ethiopian princess.  By the way, if a Count marries a princess--- what would their new titles be?  Princess is certainly higher up than a Count, so would he become Prince Delesseps?  Or would she be Countess-princess or Princess-countess?  Someone asks Luann--- she'd know.  Sorry that was mean. Just for that, I ordered a copy of her book.

Simon's earrings that he gave Alex were really lovely.  I did feel sorry for her as he freaked out in the limo ride home when her surprise was somehow blown by the driver taking the wrong turn.  Poor Alex had a what the f*ck is wrong with this freak look on her face.  I think his fit was more about him wanting to wear the earrings.  I ordered one pair.

Kelly is also a jewelry designer.  Who knew?  Who cares?  She sells an owl necklace which I thought was pretty cool.  I have a thing for owls though so I may be biased.  Ok, let's talk--- Kelly's friend Max is fine!  FINE!  I got it bad for Argentine men and he's full on dreamy.  That accent.... that build...... those eyes...... if he's for sale--- I'm buying!  Or can I just lease him for a month?  Put me down for any amount of time I can get with him and one owl necklace.

Jill's Zarin fabrics look good.  I like that she has an eco-friendly line and how gay friendly she is.  By the way, I thought her gay-husband Brad's reaction to Max was priceless.  I'd be bright red and flirting up a storm with him too.  You go Brad!  I ordered a couple bolts of Zarin fabrics.

In keeping with the selling stuff theme, just a reminder that all my Realty TV drawings are for sale.  They are done with ink on 9" x 12" hot pressed watercolor paper and are $50 each.  There are many still for sale and here are some of my favorites.......

Vicki Gunvalson.

Lauri Waring-Peterson

Ramona

Luann and Alex

Gretchen and Tamra

NeNe Leakes

Kim Zolciak

There are many more.  Have a look thru my archives and contact me.  Email link in the left hand margin.  Thanks!

If you enjoy looking at my drawings online, the next step would be having one or two or three in your home.  Interested?  Click on over to my etsy shop and take a gander.  And your credit card.  :)  Much appreciated!

Comments

[Borg Queen]

OMG you didnt say anything about that freakin dingbat Kelly running on PARK AVENUE IN TRAFFIC IN THE MIDDLE OF A SEA OF YELLOW CABS. (woo I felt like Kanye for a minute typin in caps). Is she for real?
You hit it spot on about Luanne and the Count. The fact that he left her for someone with a real title higher than his own will never stop being funny to me.

[Lynne]

Where's the one of Vicki looking crazy at her cell phone when she was mad at Jeana? I love that one and if I didn't have a huge tax bill, I'd order it!!!!! Your self portrait with all of your merchandise is PRICELESS!!!!!!

[Lynne]

Why do you think they're all cross-eyed in this series of Housewives shows? I see it even when I watch the show, it's not just your interpretation!!!!!

[Scandalous Housewife]

What happens when the Count-Ass is divorced? She doesn't keep the title, does she? What will she do with all the left over copies of her book? Slash through the Countess part with a black sharpie? Is that proper etiquette?
I can't sleep at night thinking about the details...

[bob]

It did ring a bit infomercial didn't it?
Although the Simon meltdown in the car was priceless. And, I mean really, that was his surprise: costume jewelry, the long way home, and paper hats on Roquefort and Croissant?
I've had better surprises from a box of CrackerJack.
And I was so hoping to see a cab plow Kelly and those Mothra legs down.

[maggie]

Gilmore fantabulous post, you have made me want everything they are selling!

Disclaimer, I still can't stand Beth and I do have MORE love now for Kelly, just to keep her on the show so Max will be a regular.
Everytime they would show Beth in that
purple bustier with her boobs at her chin, all I kept thinking was Nurse Diesel the Cloris Leachman character in the movie "High Anxiety". I was waiting for her to pull out her crop and someone who looked like Simon appearing in the background in full on S&M attire.
Max, I said before, I am a sucker for that type and now I know why, yummy. I loved Brad's reaction, I was blushing for him, I think he might have "PP'd" himself.
Gilmore, you made me spit out my drink with your comment about Simon being mad because he wanted to go home and try on the earrings. I was thinking last night who is Jill's baby daddy. Wonder what man would have fallen out of love with such a charming lady and allowed her to be scooped up by daddy Warbucks, hmm. Gilmore thank you for posting the drawings, I need to make up my mind, I have the spot picked out.

[Jenny]

Gawd David, you look hawt! I love that you finally placed yourself in the mix!

LuAnn has stated that although her title does not define her, she is going to keep it!
She also said, "Even though I am a Countess, I am not perfect."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3Whxhs1w8ng

At least last night's episode explained why Kelly must wear SHORT SHORTS. Her legs are her best feature. I guess if she didn't wear SHORT SHORTS, it would be like throwing a blanket over a work of art. She has no choice but to place her long beautiful legs on display as she races the taxis in NYC.

[suz]

Bethenny needs her own show- the Whine Chronicles.
Maybe she can join the "Mobwives" of New Jersey. She would fit in so well.

[jimmy]

I thought Kelly's jewelry was very dated looking. Those owls remind me of my late grandmother's Sarah Coventry stuff from 1972.

Don't leave Ramona's cream on too long. It's laced with crazy and it seeps through the skin.

[zed]

re ethiopian girl friend, see,
http://www.mediatakeout.com/2009/32087-exc...es_husband.html

[Blisterina]

Gilmore, you're gorgeous! But ack, this whole season has been one big shill, served with poorly acted "confrontations" storyboarded by Bravo.

Maggie, I'm with you about Bethenny. I thought it was pretty funny that they filmed her strolling down the street looking like a terminally-ill victim of some wasting disease as her voiceover babbled on about her diet book.

[zed]

Bravo tv to rely more on product placement, taking licensing fees, see,
http://www.nytimes.com/2009/04/13/business/media/13bravo.html?_r=1&ref=television.
there was another article about a month ago, saying that tivo is hurting ad revenue, people just bypass the ads. so build the programming around products.
so far it's working with top chef, i.e., bertolli pasta, kenmore applicances, swanson broth. with housewives, i'm curious now how this will work, cuz i don't think the majority of viewers of new york want to emulate the housewives style. am i correct on this? i'd think atlanta had more of a niche for this, and even oc, but first to admit, clueless.

[maggie]

I wanted to point out one other thing regarding Beth. This is not meant to be catty or mean in an ugly way , really it isn't. For someone who is showing how to be thin naturally and in a healthful manner her hair shows anything but that. Your hair is one of those things doctors look at to see how your body is working. Her hair quite honestly is very thin and looks like she is lacking some serious vitamins. Also, being as thin as she is and she is seriously thin, I can't imagine wanting to eliminate calories by not adding mixers and adding more alcohol to drinks instead, her margarita for example. Her liver is screaming stop and waiving a white flag.

[Borg Queen]

Did anyone watch the A List awards with the Housewives Fashion Show. Nene killed me in that outfit. It looked like to hams were wrestling in the back of that dress (and I am a sista). lol

[qba]

u are a ROCKSTAR! ur blogs & pics are the BEST everrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

[M. O'Connell]

Gilmore! So funny, as usual. Don't those creams make Ramona look soooo much younger than her "chronical" age? (Okay, that was from last season; she corrected her trailer park grammar and pronunciation this time.) Maybe they contain an ingredient to help with her hyperthyroid bug eyes. And is Mario's a third or fourth generation business? It keeps changing. How about Jill's apartment? Oh my God! What a nightmare. It's all too much.

[suz]

I caught only the very end of the A list awards ( I watched it last year and it was sooooo bad) Luckily I saw the highlight, the fashion show with the housewives.
OH MY! Vicki has gained alot of weight, Jeanna needed spanxs. Beth looked like she was scared to death. They don't seem to get that we watch them to make fun of them not to emulate them.

[M. O'Connell]

Poor Alex. She thought she was marrying "the Cosmopolitan," only to realize, thanks to the show, that he's a total dud! To paraphrase what she said on their wedding night, "Take care of my reputation and image, because you have them now." Too late! And poor Luann. She looks so broad and thick compared to the slender, exotic Ethiopian. Luann was right about the Count. It ain't the crusty old meat, it's the muscle.

[fetita dulce]

hilarious! i have been reading this blog since the oc 2 seasons ago! loves it!

http://fetitadulce.blogspot.com

[rhodaj]

@borg queen
Yeah! Kelly loping down the street was RIDICULOUS. I was so embarrassed for her dumb ass. She is just hard to watch. I don't think she's coming back next season, she's too full of herself. I'm on Team Bethenny. (even though I think the premise of her diet book is ridiculous.)

[Virginia]

Kelly running in traffic? Swinging her hands like a sissy and gazing seductively to see if anyone was watching her. I would've given anything for a Terry Tate moment. What a tool.

Jill's handbag? Looked like a jelly Kelly. Cheepity cheep. $16,000? What a fool.

Jill's apartment? Feng Shui nightmare. She went from her place looking like the lobby bar in a Doubletree Hotel to looking like the powder room in Henri Bendel's. What exactly is her style? She'd like us to believe she is all about Zang Toi and she wore THAT for a magazine shoot? She looked every bit the fool just like when Madonna wore that rose Prada ensemble at her book reading. But at least Madonna was going with a theme - her book is called The English Roses. What part of Jill's outfit said "I live here"? And that was a hair-don't if I ever saw one.

And Jill's Bobby? He sure is a looker. He looks like he's hung in the wallet and that's about it. She sure is working for that money.

Ramona? I wouldn't buy any of her TruStank even if it came with a man magnet. She is a TrueMess and so is Mario. I think they are mixing meds. He is getting more sweaty and boisterous with every episode and her eye bulges and jitters make me nervous.

Alex & Simon? They met trolling the net looking for sex. What kind? My money is on three-ways. She is pretty androgynous and he is ugly femme, I'm sure they now troll the net together looking for a manly man to sex things up.

Crustass Luanne? Her Xhusband came from a family of construction workers and no one is more impressed than she is. And her book? Good luck with that my sweet. Kiss kiss.

Bethenny? Total bitch.

Did I miss anyone?....

YES I DID! Gilmore - buy his work! I bought four and they are better in person. My fiend LOVED hers! XO

[atdleft]

Zed- This is insane. We're now watching infomercials and we hardly ever realize it. Creepy, isn't it?

Borg Queen & RhodaJ- Yeah, Kelly has gone totally batsh*t crazy. However, I suspect Bravo will want to keep her on the show. I now get why they put her in the 2nd season. They wanted to shake up the show, stir up sh*t, and have all of us glued to our teevees every Tuesday at 10PM to see what crazy sh*t Kellamity will be falling into next. It's probably been good for ratings.

Gilmore- More, more, more! Keep giving us more. And if the Ex-Countess can get a book deal, why can't you? (Hint: I know what you can do with your drawings & make some big $$$$!) ;-)

[zed]

Re Virginia,
"Jill's apartment? Feng Shui nightmare. She went from her place looking like the lobby bar in a Doubletree Hotel to looking like the powder room in Henri Bendel's."

I've never been in the powder room at Bendel's, glad to know this. :) They really have so many tchotchkes? And this was new to me, I hadn't seen an elephant side table anywhere since Houlihan's in 1970, save Republican congressmen. Nice to know that those peacock fan back chairs are going to be stylish for the over 50 set.
re kelly, don't know if true, but wrangles over who designed the owl jewelry...
http://guestofaguest.com/nyc/kelly-bensimon-the-other-lawsuit-you-havent-heard-about/

Gilmore, that drawing this week gets funnier each time I see it, kudos again.

[bg_94]

Is Kelly really pushing that Mr. T Starter Kit shit as jewelry? Yikes.

[maggie]

I am thinking I am going to change my user name here to "officially bat sh*t crazy". I didn't think Kelly running in the street was such a big deal. Trying to navigate the sidewalk in NYC just walking is a pain, I don't think they really enforce jay walking. I agree with Virginia with regards to the outfit on Jill,that made no sense. I went to check out the Zarian website and they mention they did the set design ( faux furnished the apartment with items they could not afford) for the Gastineau Girls on E, I hated that show. Happy weekend to all.

[Wizzie (Nololos)]

Ok just a quick one before I dive in about the whole mess later....
Maybe it was just my TV but it seemed like Bravo filmed Kelly running in traffic with the "Bionic Woman" cam. Did she really have the sunburst effect behind her for a couple of frames? No? Oh well if they did that, I heart Bravo a little bit more for it.
Kelly, you truly are a brave soul, saying that you are in the trenches with the traffic and cabs? Makes me feel like you are a war vet who landed on the shores at Normandy. Very brave. Too bad you are so gangly so even run properly tho.....

[Vern]

Damn You're clever! I never thought of filling the kiddy pool with the cab! Must try that!
And you're cute, to!

[zed]

http://guestofaguest.com/directory/kelly-bensimon/3375/
Is that a hidden fanny pack?

http://guestofaguest.com/directory/kelly-bensimon/7629/
'Yabba Dabba Dooo! Kelly Mensbison.

http://www.zimbio.com/pictures/Kn_-zodwubc/23rd+Annual+Great+Sports+Legends+Dinner+Cure/R58HvD4O4o6/Kelly+Bensimon
Do not go cheap on neurosurgeons and implants.

It's official, I've started to feel sorry for Kelly; she's truly clueless, emotionally stunted owing to her looks and modeling when young. I'd say she's in her mid-teenage years. And then u look at the pics, and u just wonder. How does it work, before the show, with her job at Saks, etc., she didn't have any rep advising on career? Does anyone think RHONY has helped her? Seriously, she did all this damage for $100k/year from Bravo (assuming they paid her the contract rate for the 2nd season wifes).

http://guestofaguest.com/directory/kelly-bensimon/14846/
Where to begin?

[Luluduc]

It is 9:39 PM Tuesday night. Lounging on the sofa in anticipation of new crazy sh*t in 21 minutes. This site is OXYGEN to me. Gilmore, you are a deity in my eyes for your commentary and artwork. The comments posted here are better than......oh f*ck I am not nearly as brilliant and verbose as those people, you all rock!

[holly]

can't stand anymore of bethenny's dumb made up words, ugh! fabulousity etc. enough

[Bea's Biggest Fan]

Virginia totally and completely read my mind. I'm frightened by the accuracy...

[website design nyc]

U r blog is very nice