Say what you will about Tamra the hottest housewife in Orange County, but she single-handedly is making this season of The Real Housewives entertaining. And I approve and say thank you to her. Tamra began the show learning dinner party etiquette: the proper way to sit, which fork to use and when, how to cut your meat, and how to get a bitch wasted. Naked wasted. She took that etiquette class in order to learn the art of throwing a proper "classy" dinner party. Once the party started it became clear that her bigger goal was to get Gretchen wasted and bring out her dark side. Her dark roots? No. Her dark eye liner? No, no. Tamra used tequila to bait Gretchen's inner skanky beast out of its dark cave. Yes! I'll come back to the party at the end of this posting. In the meanwhile, here's Tamra during her class. I believe she made that face after the instructor told not to saw her meat. :)
I, of course, need to get to my Vicki who went to visit her family. My memory is a little fuzzy of what was happening when the whole family was hanging out in their back yard. Perhaps I was refilling my wine glass? I do remember there was a large pile of branches that a couple guys were trying to light on fire. I must say, I grew up out in the woods and I can't begin to emphasize the entertainment value of burning some sh*t when there's nothing else to do. My mom still calls to tell me about her burn pile and finally getting those darn branches from the side yard burnt. But I digress..... My question is if you have a yelping, shrieking Vicki in your background who is desperately trying to be the center of attention--- why would you need to do anything but sit and look at her? That's entertainment at its finest. There was a lot of her signature woo-hooing and ear drum shattering screaming. She tried endlessly to get her mom to compliment her and the mom never did. Vicki said I love you to her mom and her mom replied thank you. Ahhhhh..... that mom is cute. Below is Vicki being Vicki.
I didn't draw Lynne or her daughters this week. That daughter who just turned 18 is such a Real Housewife in training. During one of her confessional moments, she wore a ridiculously lo-cut blouse with her boobs all squished and pressed up. They were so smashed together it looked like her right boob was trying to go up and over the left one. So weird. And her boozy bowling outing with her under-aged friends who kept taking cigarette breaks seemed rather inappropriate. Sure I was drinking and social smoking at 18 but I had the good sense to keep my boobs covered.
Before the big the dinner party, Gretchen tried to show her focused, centered, and grounded side by taking a yoga class in full stage makeup and wearing a Pussy Cat Dolls outfit. She had on at least an inch of foundation and an I Dream of Genie top. I have to admit, I LOVE seeing women at the gym wearing fake eyelashes, a smokey eye, perfectly lined lips, and blush. Why not? Here's Gretchen during her yoga class demonstrating a new pose which is called Upward Facing Gold Digger. Here's how you execute that pose.
In a seated position: close your eyes, arch your back, push your chest up and out, and breath deeply..... Focus on your bangs, cleavage, and outfit. Now visualize a filthy rich man. Picture him buying you things: jewelry, cars, houses, outfits........ Breath deeply. Now picture yourself never having to work on anything other than your body. Focus. He'll probably have several ex-wives and lots of kids, so in your mind's eye see restraining orders and boarding schools. Breath deeply and as you move forward through your day, remember to avoid carbs, keep a full face of makeup, and when possible speak to your man using a little girlish voice and call him daddy. Now open your perfectly lined eyes. Namaste.
Then the dinner party happened. I have to mention one of my favorite scenes was right before the guests arrived when Tamra, in full glamor: sexy dress, perfect makeup, hair done, and high heels, was aggressively mopping the hallway. I love that visual so freaking much! Tamra and Simon hired cutie extraordinaire San Diego based chef Brian Malarkey to create the evening's menu. The food looked absolutely delicious. And I have to thank Brian because one of his seafood dishes caused Vicki to have this reaction. Apparently Vickers isn't a fan of some seafood dishes.
Tamra spoke this extremely true sentence, "Tequila shots always lead to bad behavior." Yes. Yes they do. And, yes they did. Tamra's 23 year old son Ryan played bartender and per his mother's requests, kept providing a steady flowing of Tequila right into Gretchen 30 who is at the time of taping in a relationship with Jeff 53 who was in the hospital.
That's Gretchen taking shots number 8, 9, 10? As expected, she got completely hammered. And Ryan moved in. And Gretchen didn't seem to mind too much. Right when it seemed like there was going to be a full on boning, To Be Continued flashed across the screen. Will there be actual penetration? We'll have to wait and see.........
Please click here to see other Real Housewives entries.
All drawing done in between 2 to 15 minutes with ink on paper. Two glasses of Cabernet helped out.If you enjoy looking at my drawings online, the next step would be having one or two or three in your home. Interested? Click on over to my etsy shop and take a gander. And your credit card. :) Much appreciated!