My BFF and I have been friends for a really, really, really long time. Each of those reallies represents a decade. Sigh. About 15 years ago we came up with some alter egos, kinda like we're superheroes. My BFF's superhero/ superskank identity is a foul mouthed, boozy, overly opinionated, mean spirited, man eating hellcat named Endora Cameltoe. Actually my BFF is like that all the time, it's just taken up a notch when he's being Endora.
I didn't want to keep Endora all to myself so I decided that she should have her own weekly column titled Cameltoe Corner. It's not so much an advice column as it is the lunatic ramblings of a fictional dumb ass. Everything in italics is my friend's own words.
Me: Hi Endora. I recently posted a video clip of hot headed Bill O'Reilly loosing it when he didn't understand the expression "to play us out." What's your reaction?
Endora: I am offended and highly turned on by your posting of that "classic" Bill O'Reilly footage. I think you've exploited this wonderful man for "humor" on your "blog", and I don't like it! Bill and I had a tumultuous affair for several hours back in '91 during the height of one of my worst herpes breakouts--or as I like to say "blooms". I typically black out from them, but this time, I stayed conscious. He was caring, tender and only hit me when I needed it, or if I got fat. I would ask that you put yourself in his size 4 1/2 shoes and try to understand the pressure he's under and all of those that want to take him down--liberals, smart people, pimps, hippies, Carnie Wilson, Prius drivers, etc. On top of that, I think I may have given him a herpe. My hair smells like chocolate and WD40. I'm getting kind of sleepy.
Me: Just try and stay focused Endora. Recently some controversial photos of a cellulite covered Mischa Barton surfaced sparking all kinds of uproar...... Are the photos real? It is photoshop? Why should we focus on those type of things? Well, I've uncovered a recent photo of Miss Barton on the red carpet and I think it speaks for itself.
And never late to embrace a hot trend, TomKat decided to sport the nouveau chic look and feature some cellulite of their own.
This all brings me to the question Endora, do YOU think these photos are real?
Endora: No, because those are my legs in those pictures which were used without my permission. I had seal blubber injected into the back of my thighs. My Inuit stylist suggested it. I fired her. Luckily my body didn't accept the blubber and I sh*t it up.
Me: Gross. Will you be suing the photographer/ photoshopper?
Endora: No. I don't have time because I'm working on a number of projects: a pilot, a duet with David Archuleta, reversing the restraining Paula Abdul took out against me, and I'm developing a knee cream line that addresses rug burns.
Me: Thank you for sitting down with me today Endora. Hope next time you will consider a breath mint or two and perhaps wearing underwear beneath your micro mini.
And there you have it. Stay tuned for more..............